What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

A guest smelling of weed in my house would be asked to leave immediately. No need to pretend to be a cool - zero tolerance to drugs is the way forward.

Hope you are ok OP! Agree with everyone else that he needs to go as soon as you can evict home safely . Hugs xxx

You need to get him out of the house immediately - preferably with help from a burley adult male. Most people wouldn’t let an unconnected rude person move in with them, it seems like something’s missing from the picture.

I actually think chat gtp might be able to coach you through holding your boundaries with this and working through a plan.

None of this is your problem.

Except your older daughter (or your sister) is threatening to stop you seeing your nephew/grandchild?

The people in your life are not kind to you.

He needs to leave, immediately

While he's at work pack up all his stuff, change the locks then deliver his stuff to either his workplace or your relative who dumped him on you.

If he comes knocking tell him to go away. If he persists, call the police

If you can kick him out today as they obviously don't respect you so he could end up getting a lot worse as it sounds like he's possibly a danger, if possible make sure you've someone with you when you tell him to leave but make sure he leaves immediately.

Have you got people around you OP who could sort of act as a posse as it were?

Its all very well posters here berating the OP and probably making her feel crapper than she might do already if the theory is she has poor self esteem, that isnt going to empower OP, she needs practical steps as to what to physically do

He isnt out of the house until this evening given his work patterns and that would require an out of hours locksmith

Is he going to go quietly if her ex turns up today, is the ex available to turn up today.

He is being unbelievably rude and ungrateful. He needs to leave.

While he's at work you pack his shit, Change the locks. Take his stuff to your relatives house and text him that he's not welcome at your house anymore and if he turns up you will call the police.

This is not your problem. There should not he a man in your and your daughters house drinking, doing drugs, keeping you up a tonight and being arrogant and condescending to you in your own home. He needs to go. He is not your responsibility. Also, if this is someone trying to avoid breaking up with someone social services has deemed a risk to their child, you inform social services too.

You’re being massively taken advantage of, moving a man in who is not related to you or your dd is absolutely insane.

Why did you get youself in this situation? I’m a single mum to a young adult dd and I can 100% say this would never happen in a billion years.

Get a backbone and tell him to leave and then look at doing some assertiveness training.

Your poor dd.

Tell him to get to fuck. Call the Police if you have to because he sounds unpleasant.

Not in danger of, this is exactly what is happening.

No wonder he is homeless, he sounds horrible.

OP what a horrible situation to find yourself in, especially when you’re feeling so low after a hard few months in your personal life. Sometimes It’s hard to believe you have the resources and energy to deal with things like this but you have. We on Mumsnet are behind you all the way cheering you on.

Gather your strength, recognise you are utterly in the right here, this is your home and he is abusing your hospitality and tell him to leave. Stay calm and rehearse what you’re going to say. ‘You have shown a complete lack of respect for me and my home and are no longer allowed to stay here. You have an hour to pack your things and go.’ If he says he has nowhere to go you simply say, ‘That’s not my problem, you are a grown adult, you need to sort out your own life.’ If he can buy alcohol and weed he can afford a travelodge until he gets his act together.

I would also be having words with the relative who decided you were obligated to house him! It’s not for someone else to decide who lives with you, and this business of ‘end of Feb but it might be the Summer’ is cheeky beyond words. If you get any push back there I would say ‘He has made our living conditions awful, it’s frankly very upsetting that you are trying to blackmail me into extending that when you should be horrified that you’ve put us in this position. It’s making me reconsider how it view our relationship.’ They should’ve apologising profusely to you and helping you to get him out, not this.

Come back and tell us when you’ve done it - it will give you something to aim for.

Reading between the lines of your responses it reads as if he can’t live with said person for safeguarding reasons, it is not reasonable to push that on you, if he can’t legally be there then there is a reason. He needs to leave, it’s your home and it’s not your responsibility to fix other people’s issues. I don’t think you’re over reacting at all

If you can’t make him go, can you cancel the broadband or make it seem like you have. He’ll be off like a shot.

So I've just,seen that the relative pressuring you is your daughter and this bloke is her boyfriend. He's not allowed to live with her or their child (your grandchild). That's pretty serious stuff.

By using your grandchild as leverage, your daughter IS emotionally blackmailing you to house this man who is clearly deemed a risk to either your daughter or her child. She is clearly still trying to protect this man.

None of this is healthy for anyone involved. Least
of all your grandchild.

You are protecting neither your grandson not his mum by allowing this bully (he is bullying you and your daughter who lives with you, completely separate to any of the other issues he may have). I stand by packing up his stuff when he's at work, change the locks and drop his stuff to him.

Him jointly paying your daughters rent can be sorted. It is mnot a reason for him to be allowed to continue to be an awful human to those around him.

Let him go to work bag up his stuff change the locks and drop it at this family members that is connected to him, he can be their problem or he can call shelter and get something himself. He can afford to let a house share with the money he earns or he can claim dss. Either way it’s really not your problem, he is abusing your good nature. Get rid!

ps sending love, when you are feeling vulnerable you are a rabbit in the headlights for these kids of people. Be kind to yourself 💐

100% this!

No one is going to tell me to shush in my own house, especially if I'm doing them a massive favour. They both sound rude and ungrateful. I'd want to tell him to leave immediately.

This! Please get rid OP. You sound lovely and this is a horrible and stressful situation for you to be in.

Do not be feeble. Tell your family member you are sending him away. You are not having him at yours anymore.

Do not be frightened of people.

Get rid of him now.

If he won’t go call the police. Or do it before to ask for help. He probably would go then.

I would be prepared to fall out with my family member over this, no matter who it is and no matter what the fall out is. It shouldnt be put upon you.The family member has no respect or care for you by saying you are being dramatic. His behaviour is not acceptable at all and it sounds like he has the potential to be dangerous if he doesn't get his own way. I would tell bothy him and our family member he has to leave and get so.eone else to help you pack his stuff

Are you in the UK OP?
Looking at the timing of your posts, it's been night time.

Is this a sign of your emotional distress or another time zone?

It's relevant in as much as if you are in the UK, this man may have access to other housing .

In any case he has to leave. Give him a deadline , max 2 weeks and then change the locks.

He can find a B&B or cheap hotel.

You're not responsible for him.

You can't control what happens next but a lot of it will be bluffing.

None of that mans behaviour is even remotely acceptable. Even if he paid rent. It would not be acceptable. Telling you to shush should have been a moment you told him to get the fuck out immediately .

Tell him it’s not working out and he has to go. He’s an adult and his living situation isn’t your problem. Tell the family members that know him to come over and collect him and his things by such and such date. If he refuses to leave them I’m afraid you’re going to need legal help.

This is a lesson learned here to stop being nice. Because this could get expensive and stressful. And it sounds like it’s already stressful.