What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

He told you to shush? Dump his stuff outside while he’s at work and change the locks

Can’t you ex husband come around and support you to get rid of him?

Sounds like that your relative and this man is taking advantage of your good nature , also if he’s working tell him he’s to pay you for staying with you

He told you to 'shush' in YOUR house?! Get him to pack his bags and leave immediately. You owe zero favours to anyone. Outrageous position you've been put in. Tell him to leave and call the police if he refuses.

Have I got this right? He's the father of your grandchild, he cant live with his child and the mother, who is your daughter. So he's living with you free. And its your daughter (not the one still at home, obviously!) who has told you she doesnt want t to know about your drama? And if you throw him out she might stop you from.seeing your grandchild? I really think he needs to go, regardless, but i can really sympathise with you and why its difficult for you. Good luck and be strong. It obviously cant go on. What next, if he's already at the stage of ignoring you and brushing you off?

Op, seriously?? (How do people end up in these situations?)

1. I assume you won’t have the heart/guts to kick him out without notice, so give him 1-2 weeks notice. You don’t have to explain why you’re asking him to move out, simply tell him that this living arrangement is no longer working for you. If he asks why, repeat the same thing -‘this living arrangement is no longer working for me’. If he gets verbally aggressive, call the police.
2. if he doesn’t move out when his notice expires, change the locks and leave his clothes out in a dry place, or allow him to come in and pack his things, but have a man friend there for safety.
3. if he kicks a fuss when he realises you changed the locks, call the police. IF he was an actual lodger, you’d be allowed to change the locks after giving a lodger ‘reasonable’ notice, e.g 1-2 weeks (unless there’s longer notice in writing). But police sometimes side with lodgers even if they have no legal rights, so if this guy calls the police to ask for help to be allowed back in the house make sure you explain that this person is NOT a lodger, pays no rent, he is nothing more than an acquaintance who overstayed their welcome.

And please toughen up as there are soooo many people out there who can’t wait to come across someone like you to take advantage off. They will find you!

Oh hell no! Kick the horrible person out! Why on earth are you even allowing him to stay. Let alone telling you to hush in your own house.
Pack his bags and throw them out the door.

This isn’t your daughter’s ex is it? He’s a current but not allowed near his ‘home’ address. I willing to bet end of Feb is when the current bail conditions expire.

These things rarely improve, and being released from bail conditions doesn’t automatically mean he can go home if Social Services are involved. They will do their own investigation. They don’t need a legal charge to decide to permanently stop him.

Now I’ll say to you OP if she is so enmeshed with him despite him being removed and has him living in your home, she is not going to keep him away from her child. Realistically she could end up losing the child.

You need him out of your home because I’ll guarantee you’ll be the first person they ask about taking the child on, and if you can’t show the ability to safeguard they won’t let you have her either.

WTAF?!
Tell him to leave IMMEDIATELY!!!! This is your house, your rules and your safe space (plus your daughters). This man is a stranger, not family and whomever you're doing a 'favour' four can house him for free themselves as of tomorrow FFS!!!

Who is he, why have you taken him in? On which computers he plays the games? Do you really have such a big house and a spare bedroom for a complete stranger?

Who is the person who asked the favour?
and last: are you ok

Your House, your Rules !! If your ex is willing get him to back you and tell him to leave , You and your daughter may not feel vulnerable , but you actually are . Would your ex move back temporarily until this non paying lodger has departed

Why would you harbor any "guest" who tells you to shush? For that matter, why would you want to do a favor for a supposed friend who doesn't want to hear about the problems she caused? It's never "normal" for a "guest" to be obnoxious.

Kick him out. I don't know the best way. Perhaps you could text both him and the supposed friend, and say as politely as possible that you were willing to do them a favor, but you can't deal with this kind of disruption and disrespect. And you want him out right now. If you feel cowed, arrange to have a friend or two there for that evening when he would come home.

Good luck.

Do not be manipulated by your daughter! (The one who’s sent him to live with you. She doesn’t get to dictate to you who can live in your house.

Kick him out. You don’t owe them anything.

And I can’t fathom how an adult man can simply plant himself into a non-relatives house and just live there. What a weirdo.

@WhyAreWeLikeThis how dare a guest tell you to shush in your own home. The cheek of it. I hope you do get ex to help chuck them out and change the locks. Don’t be blackmailed.

This isn't a guest, this is a parasite who has invaded your home with no respect whatsoever for it. He needs to go, immediately.

All of the above.

Kick the b out.

How old is this man. How dare he tell you to shush. Pack his things and put them outside the next time he goes out. If you won’t, I’ll happily do it for you assuming you’re somewhere south London/surrey. Gutted if you’re not

WhyAreWeLikeThis
Send him packing he has no right to tell you to shush in your own home alongside his aggressive disruptive behaviour
Change locks and put his baggage out with relations address/phone number attached
As for your relation could you be seen by her and others kin-wise as the 'soft touch' of the family?
She can go and fork herself
She's not worth it
But be prepared to be badmouthed
As she'll assume you'll never bite back
Show her different
Assumptive domineering cow

'I’ve been pretty vulnerable the last 6 months or so, 30 year marriage break up, dad with dementia, and fairly serious medical problem, so I’m definitely not feeling that tough'

You're going to have to be. Do you have any close friends who could be with you when you tell him to sling his hook?

I realise you stated that you've potentially got a lot to lose if you kick him out. But this is seriously affecting your quality of life. And your daughter sounds like she's just about had it with this guy disrupting your lives. You need your peace back.

As soon as you said "male" I didn't need to read anymore. Absolute no. He should never have moved in the first place. It sounds as though you have been pressured and taken advantage off. You need to put the safety of you and your daughter first. Pack his things , change the locks (it's pretty inexpensive) and call the police if he kicks up a fuss.
The fact that you posted at 2am says it all.

You sound lovely @WhyAreWeLikeThis. Can understand how you feel being a lone woman household after a very long relationship, not to mention the other stresses you have going on.

Your guest doesn’t sound too bothered about losing the free accommodation you’re offering him. Surely he realises that if he has so little respect for you, he’ll be politely asked to leave. No drama.

I’ve had many houseguests over decades, men, women, all types, ages etc. Some for a night or two. Some for months. Many a party animal. But they’d never keep me up at night chatting on a game or getting deliveries. In fact, far from being at all annoying, they’ve always mucked in.

None of them would ever dream of telling me to shush in my own home where they’re a guest. If they did, I’d tell them, in the politest and most light-hearted of ways (no drama, no heaviness) they can have some respect or piss off.

That’s a reasonable response. He should expect it.

And no one should use a relationship with a child as a bargaining chip for someone being cuckooed by an oik.

Good luck. You’ve got this. Lighthearted but firm.

People are trying to put you and your daughter into an abusive relationship financially and as abuse. Tell them and your ‘guest’ no

There are no words

I play animal crossing all the time especially with the recent update! I'm 29 this year 😂 sims is also popular with my age group

Oh gosh, this is awful for you and your daughter and is totally unacceptable. I feel that his behaviour so far may not be conducive to him being accommodating if you ask him to leave. Is there a trusted friend you can ask to be with you and stay with you when you tell him he needs to leave? Keep your boundaries and don’t be afraid to call the police to attend to prevent a breach of the peace, or actual breach if he starts shouting and causing you any fear whatsoever. (Then change your locks!) Your family member can host him if they want to, but this man is not your problem and you have done the Good Samaritan thing and he has abused your kindness and generosity, he needs to do one immediately!

Given the family situation, could he not live in the flat and your daughter/grandchild stay with you? Obviously neither is ideal but I’m sure she would be preferable to him staying.