What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

[WhyAreWeLikeThis]

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

"Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama."

It's not your drama - it's her drama. At the very least she should be backing you up in dealing with it. You need your ex husband and your daughter to back you up too - you shouldn't have to deal with/confront this bully on your own.
You need to work out a plan to get rid of him - get help from police DV unit / maybe women's aid if necessary? - police will already have him on their radar by the sound of it.
Hopefully we will hear soon that you are taking steps to deal with it.

Let me guess he’s not allowed to be with your daughter or grandchild because he’s an abuser and abused them , you are letting yourself be abused and your other daughter. Get the police round and get him out. He doesn’t need to stay with you. Or get your ex round to get him out if you’re friendly with him still.

Telling you to 'shush' in your own home is verbal aggression. I worry this could move to physical aggression or violence if he has so little respect for you, your home, and your daughter who has to be up for work.

He is also happy to use illegal drugs in your home. Yes, cannabis is illegal. It is NOT decriminalised as some would have people believe.

Ask him to leave immediately!

Please do not let the threat of not being able to see the child you mentioned make you keep to this arrangement.
The goalposts have already been moved with the threat of this lasting over the summer too.

You are being used and abused and your relationship with your own child is becoming irreparably damaged.

I would be worried about having such an aggressive and disrespectful male in my home around my daughter.

Get legal advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau if necessary.

Ah ok, I couldn’t decipher that from the posts so thanks for the clarity! In which case it’s a mad set up. I assumed it was a blood relative of some sort for this sort of behaviour to have been put up with. Madness that it’s her daughter’s partner! He absolutely needs to be out on his ear!

Deaf God woman get him out.

He told you to SHUSH in your own home. I'm not sure where DH would be sleeping if he seriously told me to shush, let alone a stranger.
And the person you're doing a favour for doesn't give a fuck cos it's not them.

You’re being abused OP. You need to give him a 24 hour notice to leave and call the police if he refuses. There isn’t a child on earth that would want you to be abused like this. You can reconnect when they’re an adult if they do cut contact.

Get him to come down and change the locks, help you bag up this guys crap and wait for him to come back and tell him to leave. If he'll crash on the sofa for one night all the better. Don't be afraid to use your ex to get rid of this guy. Of any other guy who'll step up. Some men just won't listen to a woman.

If my child cut contact between me and my Grandchild because I refused to be abused and have my home abused I would handle that. It wouldn’t be your fault. That’s worst case scenario btw. She may not cut contact but even if she does you can handle that I promise. You could also apply to court for visitation of Grandchild, it is usually successful by the way, I know two people who get an hour a week after via court order.

This! If he is supportive, get him to change the locks and maybe stay overnight because he will likely hang around, bang on the doors, ask for his stuff, be verbally abusive - 999 if he does but ex being there will help.

He told you to "shush"? Tell him to get the fuck out of your house immediately. If he refuses, call the police.

He can’t stay with relative but can be dumped on you and your dc? And he doesn’t pay his own way? Your home your rules - no weed, no loud gaming past 10, £200 contribution - or out. Why do you feel so obligated to freeloaders?

I do think you need to get rid of the man. He is taking advantage of your kind nature. He will be able to book into a cheap hotel so tell him he needs to go. If he can afford money on things like take aways and booze he is far from being poor. You might be as well to change your locks in case he has had copies made. That way he won't be able to get into your place if you go out.

I also agree, he sounds a horrible person. Explain to the family member that you when you agreed to help you weren’t aware of his abusive behaviour, not to mention the illegal weed smoking, so therefore he has to go, he isn’t your responsibility.
Please get him gone.

Out he goes ........

Exactly this. ⬆️

And if the homeowner or rental agreement owner lives on the property, a lodger, even if they pay rent, or a paying guest can be legally asked to leave with immediate effect. That's why I always advise friends not to rent anywhere where the landlord lives on the property.

I learnt this the hard way at university when my then landlady moved her boyfriend in and me and my flatmate were asked to leave within 24 hours as the cocklodger wanted her and the place all to himself.
We went to the Police and they told us straight and pointed us to the housing law.

A few months later when she couldn't pay the mortgage after realising he was a freeloader, the landlady had the cheek to ask us if we wanted to move back in!

This!! 100% this!!!

100% this.
Your 'guest' is massively taking the piss and should be chucked out asap.

Could be worse, eg DD absolutely does want him gone, only she can't pay her rent alone and he can't pay rent on two places, and he's threatened her if she doesn't help him sort his housing issue, and she's scared of him.

What on earth? Get him out TODAY. Even if he was respectable of your space it’s a huge ask, but with him being rude, disrespectful, and not paying a penny - he can sling his hook right away.

I bet his own family have cut him off.

Kick him out right now.

It's your house. I would be talking to the family member who asked you to take them in and tell them it's not working out. Or make up a reason why they can't stay any longer. Someone else is coming over etc. This is not something you need to put up with

You're not pathetic.

however you have made a bad decision. You should never have allowed him to move in for so many reasons and certainly should not of allowed it to get to this stage.

going forward you need to learn to stand up for yourself and put your daughter first.

in all honesty you should throw him out today, although I know you don't like confrontation so maybe give a few days notice if that makes you feel better. If theees any problems then ring the police to get him removed and then change the locks.

if you feel bad, remember...

1. you are charging your daughter to live here and not this random person. I know you do not care more about this person than your daughter so why are you acting like it?
2. He doesn't care about you. He is disrespectful and treating you like a mug
3. No one would let you live rent free in their home so why are you doing it for this man?
4. this is your personal space, why are you letting someone gatecrash it?
5. this guy is taking drugs and drinking a lot. Is this a safe environment for you and your young daughter to be around.

sort this out now and draw a line under it. Learn to stop being such a people pleaser.

I wouldnt even give him notice i would wait till he goes out get someone to change locks and either put his stuff outside in bin bags or drive it to relative who told you to have him, why on earth are you putting up with this, and as for 'shush' if anyone said shush to me in my own home they would be out immediately

dont ask him to contribute. this will give him more rights. at the moment he could be removed like the snap of the fingers.....

he just needs to be gone