Gifts for grieving friend

[Ilovethatforyou]

My friend’s dad passed away after a short, brutal illness. I want to put a little package together for her to let her know I’m thinking of her - eg a small candle to light and remember him, maybe a book (any good suggestions welcome). Any ideas of things you’ve done for a friend, or things people have given to you that meant a lot?

I didn’t want anything when my dad died - maybe an offer to take the kids so I could go to the funeral home and support my mother but really it wasn’t expected at all. My DH died after just seven years married and I had two small kids and it was nice a few people made oven ready dinners for us. But I’m not sure a gift is really the right thing. And whatever please do not say ‘let me know if I can help in any way’, which must be one if the most useless things. It puts the onus on me then to ask for a favour, which is hard to do, an inevitably it’s when you can’t actually help out. Rather I’d say ‘let me take the kids Monday afternoon’, or ‘I’ll come with you to meet with the XYZ if you want support’ - something practical. And definitely do not give me a book about grieving! A friend gave me a book about becoming a widow and I’ve never been able to open it. I was experiencing it myself, I do not want to know about someone else’s trauma.

Reading all the replies here, it’s so interesting how different we all are in our grief. Some would love flowers, some of us really wouldn’t. Some would be very appreciative of food and meals, if anyone had turned up at ours with a home made lasagna DH would have been saying “Do they think I can’t cook?!” (A box of chocolates never goes unappreciated though 😆)
I think really we all know our friends and family best and what they would most need or appreciate in that time.

When my dad died, a few friends sent flowers (or dropped them round) or plants (I love plants and my dad was a great gardener). I would have appreciated a candle or chocolates/ biscuits/ nice coffee too as my mum was over a lot and we both would have eaten them. I think OP, offer to do whatever you can - babysitting her kids if she has them and needs to go and sort stuff out. Basically anything that will help.

For me, I was grateful for cards, the flowers were nice, but a bit overwhelming as I had to deal with them as they began to die.
The thing I remember the most fondly was the neighbour who came with soup, bread and cheese for a short supper, another one who turned up to take me out for coffee, and the friends who came to the funeral for me.
In time I also appreciated the 'check in' messages.
The worst was the book I was given at Christmas (2 months after the death) about how to mourn....all wrapped up in Christmas paper, I'd been holding it together until then.

Clearly they aren’t

@Wayk Not if you are overrun with them, have no space for them, no/not enough vases, have cats/can't stand the smell of lilies, have multiple decaying bunches to sort out...

I think this is exactly what I’ve taken from it too. For example, when another friend lost her dad I sent her a care package including a book about grief because she reads constantly about every subject under the sun. And she loved it. Even passed it on to her mum. But I wouldn’t necessarily do that for everyone. So it’s made me reflect and realise I can be confident in my knowledge of my friend. Absolutely will ensure I’m offering any specific practical help too.

Sending love to those of you who have suffered a loss.

As someone who lost a parent for the first time very recently, I'm reading all these comments and agreeing/disagreeing.
I don't think there's any wrong or right way to behave, you're clearly a lovely friend to be thinking of her and wanting to send her something.
At first I was thinking "a candle is a lovely idea" as I've always loved candles and now light one on a night to think of and remember Mum by.
It's a personal thing though and everyone grieves differently, can see the pp point when they say they wouldn't have wanted to be shown or advised what to do.
The first couple of weeks are horrendous, your brain isn't functioning, isn't working, you're on autopilot.
Anyone doing a food shop /bringing round a lasagne and being there to talk at or just sit with would have been great looking back.

It's a personal thing though and everyone grieves differently

@ShowMeTheSea , sorry for your loss.

Oh and I absolutely hate with a passion anything about robins, rainbows and/or white feathers - again, obviously loads of people love that but it's not for me
Again showing how we're all different as I love seeing a white feather - they always show up literally just after I've been upset thinking about my grandparents/Mum, or something has happened in my life and I'm panicking/worrying a white feather appears straight after.
Might be coincidence, might not be but it helps