Gifts for grieving friend

[Ilovethatforyou]

My friend’s dad passed away after a short, brutal illness. I want to put a little package together for her to let her know I’m thinking of her - eg a small candle to light and remember him, maybe a book (any good suggestions welcome). Any ideas of things you’ve done for a friend, or things people have given to you that meant a lot?

Thank you.

I’m so very sorry for your loss 💛

We have suffered tragic circumstances with the death of my step son.

I appreciated anything and everything, just what people wanted to do or give to show they care. Visits, cards, flowers, food, offers of help. A rose bush in a pot was an easy option rather than needing vases. It will continue to flower.

Those that didn’t support, acknowledge or recognise our loss were the worst and very difficult to forgive. (Yes, looking at you mam and dad).

Knowing people care is what matters.

It’s a really really nice thought but having recently lost my dad, what stood out to me was people who were actually there for me and us as a family. Even if they couldn’t physically come and be with us, checking in regularly via a no pressure text (without expecting a reply from us) still meant everything as I knew that there was someone at the other end of the phone if I needed them. After the funeral lots of people back away so it’s especially important to still be a strong presence after this too as grief doesn’t stop once the service is over (if anything it gets harder). Actions > things IME x

I sent flowers to a friend in this sort of situation.

I think you have to think what your friend would want. Mine wouldn't have wanted or needed meals brought over or chocolate and , thinking back over similar situations flowers seemed to be appropriate.

I’ll definitely make sure I’m there and offering help. Thank you all x

It's interesting isn't it, how this highlights how different we all are.

When my parents died, I loved the flowers and the cards (I love flowers anyway so I do have a lot of vases). Sometimes people just don't know what to do or say, but they want to show support and I really appreciated that. A friend sent me a beautiful book which I absolutely treasure too.

What I wouldn't have liked was someone cleaning my house, ironing, walking my dogs or cooking for me because to me, normality was the only thing that kept me from some sort of breakdown because of the stress.

Oh and I absolutely hate with a passion anything about robins, rainbows and/or white feathers - again, obviously loads of people love that but it's not for me. I was given a few of those and of course I thanked the senders because I appreciate it came from a place of kindness.

@Ilovethatforyou , I think the obvious thing is that you know your friend best so you'll know what she'd like - and even if you get it 'wrong' I'm sure she'll take comfort from the fact you thought about her.

I didn't want the flowers (need a vase, they smell and they die) and letters were better than cards (we don't display sympathy cards).
Other people might not feel the same.

You sound like you’re already being a really good friend to her, OP.

One thing I really valued when my mum died was being able to vent to someone who wasn’t personally mourning her, because that meant I could just focus on my own feelings, & who I knew wouldn’t try to comfort me or make it better. It was a very long time before I was ready to think about the ‘At least….’s.

I also really appreciated people sharing their memories of her.

I would have loved the candle.
I couldn't eat much after my Dad died so I did appreciate chocolate and other things to nibble on and also someone brought two 2-litre bottles of irn-bru which was great. I live in another country and can't get it here and spent a month back in the UK sorting everything out. The irn-bru was the best thing anyone gave me.

But what I appreciated more than anything else were the people who came round and helped me to sort his flat out and clean it to hand it back to the landlord and also the people who took me out to the coast for fish and chips as a distraction.

Not flowers.

When my Mum died suddenly. Every time more were delivered it was another reminder (not that I needed one). My best gifts were letterbox brownies and a little bracelet.

The fact you are even thinking about it shows what a good friend you are.

Don't ask what she needs as she likely doesn't know. Take something you know she likes. The brain does not work properly when grieving.

The candle would be horrible. Intruding into my grieving and guilting me if I didn’t do it. Just no. The book would not have been read because my head was full of despair.
Coffee and cake and understanding that I was not myself and forgot peoples names and narratives, so very kind.

This. Keep in touch. Call and text not too often, but regularly. Tell her your news but always ask about her.

Offer practical support “Would you like me to do that for you?” “Can I help with that?” sort of offer.

In my experience, flowers can become a useless embarrassment if too many are recd.

I hated receiving flowers, for me it was something else to watch die.

We’re all different but a friend of mine bought a couple of meals from Cook. I really appreciated them as it meant my children were sorted and I didn’t have to worry about shopping or cooking.

Friends just coming for a coffee were hugely appreciated too.

This. Keep in touch. Call and text not too often, but regularly. Tell her your news but always ask about her.

And also make sure she knows it’s ok not to pick up / read / reply if she doesn’t feel up to it.

I think items, flowers included, are a minefield. Of course they’re always a lovely thought but flowers can especially be difficult if you have a cat, & a present that one person loves someone else might not like at all.

My wife died after a very brutal and short illness, a card or a letter with a kind or funny story about her meant so much. I kept them all and treasure them.

Easy meals that can be put into the freezer if not immediately required, show that you care and after the initial adrenaline needed to get through the first 6 months or a year, eating can become a chore.

Definitely not flowers, candles, hand cream or magazines.

Keeping in touch and invitations to walk, go for a coffee or to the theatre are very meaningful in that period referred to as ‘after the flowers stop’ when everybody has resumed their normal life and carried on.

Just your time and a listening ear. Having someone who you can chat too, (and cry with) about the person you loved and lost and can also have a guilt free conversation about everyday stuff is invaluable. Anything else is meaningless and just extra stuff to be dealt with.

Absolutely this. I lost my dad a few months ago. The people I will always be grateful for are the ones who messaged to check in on me while he was ill, the ones who I run with who have kept me sane. Just the ones who phone or text and just make you feel that they're there.

Be there ‘after the flowers stop’

This. Grief affects people differently and doesn't end after 3 weeks.
As a widow, you may find that those in couples don't include you, so make an effort to include or check in on someone.

It's the mental load. So if you're already doing things like going for walks or looking after her kids, that's amazing... but dont' wait for her to ask. A message saying, "Me and the kids are hitting the pool tomorrow and then having movie night if Jack and Jenny want to join us for some or all of that - let me know" or "Do you want to take the dogs for a walk at the park this afternoon?"

Much more helpful than, "let me know if I can help" messages which are as much help as a chocolate teapot.

I agree with this. 'Let me know if I can help' and 'if there's anything you need/I can do' just add to your workload. Something specific is more likely to be accepted.

You sound mean. A candle is a fantastic gift, better than a few tubs of picky bits 🤮

In my grief I am not interested in managing your emotions. Can you not see that I expressed my personal preference while you have made a sweeping "candle is fantastic, food is shit" generalisation?

Not everyone feels as you do. I don't want any fucking candles.

When I had a similar bereavement, my friend filled my fridge with a couple of M+S ready meals and easy to eat food that didn't need any preparation. I really appreciated that. Flowers were a hassle that I didn't need.

@TruffIes , it might be for you. It wouldn't be for @Mulledjuice or me. A smelly one would have to go immediately here.

She didn't mention "tubs of picky bits". I took it to mean some food that could be eaten when you were too griefstricken to manage more than a few bites.

You sound insensitive.

@TruffIes its grief. Everyone acts differently. What is fabulous to someone, is an insult or a burden to another person. Grief is an individual experience and totally unique from person to person. It has unexpected, random effects. You are utterly changed.
It’s quite possible that under more normal circumstances the same person would have thought a candle for birthday gift was lovely.