What is “playing the game” at work?

[Frozen321]

I’ve not had a lot of luck with jobs in the past, apart from one job I really loved but got made redundant from. I’ve had a few bosses who never seemed to like me and I’ve been so unhappy. I’m good at my job but I’m not interested in a career or promotions.

I used to have a counsellor who said I should play the game more, but I have never understood what this means. Why should I play games and what exactly does this involve?

As an NT woman (like the OP) I find this very overcomplicated.

Some of it is just plainly untrue for others/in other workplaces and some of it sounds quite paranoid.

I'm glad it works for you to think like that, but it certainly won't for everyone, or even be true for everyone.

Yes, I manage someone like this and it is a really tricky issue. People find her unapproachable - and I know what they mean, because I used to too. They are reluctant to go to her with questions, which can really start to interfere with processes going smoothly as she's the expert/owner for a large and important system. But it's essentially tone and so it completely confuses her - she says, correctly, that she answers every question quickly and fully. She produces a lot of guidance and offers training on the system, so she's proactively trying to share information too. There's just something about her manner that makes people feel like they were stupid to ask. But I can't put my finger on it, nor can she - and I am also concerned that I shouldn't be essentially ask her to act as a different person for 8 hours a day when she's not doing anything unprofessional in the first place. So I address it by being more forceful/insistent with others that they must consult her and being clear about how much I value her (she's brilliant at her job) - but also by sometimes pushing her to soften messages a bit (which she thinks is horribly inefficient, but accepts).

Well yes, I can only speak from my viewpoint that's why I said I was ND, unlike the OP. Of course some people may not be pretending but they are the ones that really mean it, they really do love their jobs, the meetings, lunchtime chats and organising the team bonding activities and card collections. They are the ones that really scare me. What I mean is you can't tell the ones who are also pretending from the ones who aren't so you can't let it drop. The simple route is be one of the people who genuinely loves this stuff, but I just do not like work, and I've worked in a lot of different roles it's work not a specific job, so if you don't and it doesn't come naturally to just fit in then you've got to pretend and play along as if you do.

Exactly. It doesn’t mean Machiavellian behaviour. It does mean being friendly but professional, taking a polite interest in others and sharing a bit of not too personal stuff about yourself, joining in extra things like chat in the tea room or going out occasionally after work, etc.

But - if you keep being fired for no clear reason, it probably is your work. In my experience you don’t ditch employers who are good at their job just because you don’t gel with them. I’d look a lot harder at your work performance, and try to see it not through your eyes but your employer’s eyes, even if you think that’s unfair. Eg do you stay late or start early or work through lunch when needed without complaining? Do you take criticism on board even when you don’t agree with it? Do you adapt yourself to the way your boss wants it done even if you think your way is better?

Corporatism, office politics and brown-nosing. That's what 'playing the game' usually means in white collar jobs.

if you say this at work, it is not really diplomatic, is it?

"playing the game" is doing what is necessary to keep on the right side of not being let go, so if you want to keep a job, then you need to fit in with the culture of where you work.

You don't have to gossip or all the rest, but maybe "hello" in the morning, if you're going to get a coffee or something ask if anyone else wants one etc. Just staying on the right side of not being a standoffish lone-wolf.

That is all you need to do.

She is not in her own. It’s not that I don’t how to play the game, I just don’t want to join a club which bitches & bullies others. Even when you think you met someone at work you have something in common with, turns out they are in this club makes you feel stupid. I know it’s about self preservation, but I just couldn’t bring myself to assimilate. leads to bullying behaviour. People have ended up being admitted into psychiatric hospital because of it. Luckily I have now retired after 36yrs no retirement card.

Thank you, exactly. I hope you’re okay now.

I am suspected ND and have been learning how to play the game. Here's some things I have learnt (these things change a bit if you end up further up the chain)

• You have to pick your battles. Sometimes people dont want to do things the best way for reasons you dont know or dont think outweigh the reasons why the best way is the 'best' and sometimes its better to just express your opinion once and keep quiet, even if you know the outcome wont be as good.

This also means in some cases that you might see an error, but its better to ignore it rather than always being the person who points out errors. If it doesnt affect you or your job in any way, maybe dont point it out.

• If you are raising an idea or an opinion in an established team, people sometimes feel if you raise an idea that you are saying theyve not done their jobs properly in the past, so people respond better if you say things like 'so I wasnt here when this process started, can I just quickly check why we do it X way? Im guessing Y way didnt work in this situation'? Rather than 'I have an idea, why dont we do Y way, its far better than X' or 'why arent we just doing it Y way?'

• When it comes to tracking what you are doing, raising tickets, filling in timesheets etc - companies dont explain this very well, but you need to do those things so they can show your work adds value in numbers, rather than someone explaining how your work adds value in words, because finance work in numbers and by you having good numbers means you have a good chance of keeping your job. It might feel like a waste of time, and takes time away from your actual work, but it help keeps you in a job.

• People are more forgiving of people who they think are 'nice' at work, as they think you have good intentions. For NT people, 'nice' means saying things like 'would it be possible to get those numbers to me by Friday? Please let me know if thats a problem' rather than 'I need the numbers by friday'. Also the stuff already mentioned about being sociable.

• When you are in meetings talking about work stuff, people like it when you say 'silly question... before you ask a question' or if you say 'just want to make sure ive got it right in my head' rather than just asking the question, as a lot of people feel like questions are attacking them.

Overall 'narrative' matters, so you might read one or two of these things and think 'but I need to do it X way to do my job properly' but unfortunately people would rather they like you and you do your job 90% properly, than they dont like you and you do it 100% properly.

There's loads more stuff and its going to differ wildly on job and industry, so these are just my observations.

It’s interesting you’ve said you aren’t ND - I would have bet my house that you were just from the way you come across in this thread. I apologise for making that assumption… although as a few of us have thought the same thing, I wonder if it might be worth you looking into how autism etc presents in women (assuming you are female) as it is different to men, but also remember that there’s a huge spectrum of different “conditions” and it’s not a bad thing if you are ND - if you were to find out you were this might even help you in navigating this type of thing going forwards. Also, if you were to set diagnosed, it might even be a protected characteristic which means you can’t legally be fired because of it and workplaces would have to make reasonable adjustments to help you. So it could be worth having a look at this because it could be what you need to be able to fit in and succeed.

Anyway, I digress! Like others have said, it isn’t a literal game. It’s about fitting in. Like when you play an actual game, there are rules that you need to adhere to or there would be carnage - the same applies to life. The game at work can depend on the type of role you do (are you office based, do you work in retail, hospitality, manual labour, etc). I think a lot of the answers here have assumed you work in an office where career progression is expected - but you mentioned earlier it’s not the sort of career you progress in, so a rough idea of the type of work you to might help is to tailor advice.

I am someone who has always struggled to fit in. I can be very honest in what I say, and it’s been fed back to me that can upset people sometimes. It was never my intention to upset people and I really struggled to understand why just stating facts would rub people up the wrong way. It’s like a tone was always read that I wasn’t using. A few years ago I read something about autism in women (on here actually) and it was suddenly like a light bulb had been turned on - everything became clear and I realised WHY I had always felt on the outside. Using that knowledge has massively helped me learn how to interact with others in a way I didn’t before.

if people at work are bullying, you need to report it.

You don't have to join in bitching and you can, in fact, point out they are bitching and ask them to stop. Bitching is a kind of bullying you can report that too.

Nobody expects you to be best mates with everyone at work, but staying apart because you are "too good" to mix with the others doesn't lead to good team cohesion.

So you do the necessary, oil the wheels of social cohesion, and report that which needs reporting.

I think play the game. I don’t overshare with colleagues so if someone asks me what I’ve done at the weekend, I’ll be friendly but say something fairly bland. I never get involved in other people’s drama either, it never gets me anywhere.

This sounds horrendous but it’s not really what people are talking about. It’s not about ‘clubs’ or bulling behaviours.

You have to pretend to like your managers, even if you don't. If they think you're in any way critical of them - even if it's just your expression - they will want you to go.

I agree. It's about being a pleasant team player.

People who are looking for promotion will be trying that bit harder at work. Are you only just doing enough not to get into trouble. I had a man in a place I ran who did the bare minimum. I thought him a PITA. No enthusiasm for any new equipment, not curiosity about contracts.
It is so much easier to employ people who want success for themselves and for the business. He gave off the air of not caring about his mates or the business.

I agree with this. Just to pick up on one of your points, where you say: 'For NT people, 'nice' means saying things like 'would it be possible to get those numbers to me by Friday? Please let me know if thats a problem' rather than 'I need the numbers by friday'.'. I agree that this is the usual expectation - and that it also comes with the expectation that people will understand that 90% of the time the answer to 'would it be possible to get those numbers to me by Friday? Please let me know if thats a problem' can only be yes; it's not a real question. Neurodivergent colleagues I've had have often found that very hard, and I do have sympathy - but as you say, these 'niceties' might look pointless from one perspective, but they do smooth things for most people.

Playing the game doesn't necessarily mean becoming a bully. Or condoning it.

I completely understand that in some workplaces there is a negative or toxic culture. I've been there. But playing the game means being enthusiastic about the company. Its targets, its results/performance, the plans. The projects.

@Frozen321 you might not want a promotion but do you get involved in projects? Do you "take seriously" things like your appraisals, performance, KPIs, focus areas, or whatever your targets are?

It's not just about doing the job well, it's about caring, or appearing to care, about how you can impact the company in a positive way.

Also, the sad, unfair but truthful fact of the matter is that people, both men and women, expect a lot more niceness, hedging and things said just for the sake of politeness from women - even senior women - than they do from men.

I don’t work in the sorts of places where things like that are measured. That sounds very corporate.

Do you communicate at work in a similar style to here?

It's very blunt and the only other response you've replied to is one about bullying which isn't really what playing the game means.

Nothing for anyone who has offered constructive advice.

If this has happened in multiple places there is something about your manners that is causing an issue and identifying it will help you.

You don't have to be friends with your colleagues (just friendly towards them) or believe in the workplace objectives but you have to present yourself as open to them. That's why they say it's a game.

I didn’t either mine was the nhs.

Thank you, this is very helpful.

What kind of work do you do OP?

Is it a job like being a teacher where volunteering for extras like lunch duty would help your colleagues see you as one of the team?

Or do you work in a job where precision is important so your direct style makes you good at why you do? (I totally understand why someone asked if you were ND btw)

Could your personality mean that you’d be better self employed or working alone rather than in a team? (I realise that you can’t do that with all jobs)

Do you have friends in your life who can advise you on how to appear more like the sort of people that you work with?

So you have zero targets? The company doesn't have specific things it wants to do to change things or improve things?

Retail have these things, admin/typists often have targets. They can be as simple as typing 30 letters a day, upselling, signing customers up to a loyalty program, making sure you're working within SLA (everything that's come in from 2 days ago has been replied to, for example).

Every company has targets, every company has performance expectations on themselves and the staff. They also have behaviour expectations.

In my corporate world it's called "living the behaviours". When I worked in retail it had different variants of "representing the brand".

There is a lot of corporate BS that gets said where I am. I adopt the language when I'm in the appropriate situations. When I'm with people from my team who I'm comfortable with, we laugh about how stupid we sound. We're just playing the game to get by at work.