What is “playing the game” at work?

[Frozen321]

I’ve not had a lot of luck with jobs in the past, apart from one job I really loved but got made redundant from. I’ve had a few bosses who never seemed to like me and I’ve been so unhappy. I’m good at my job but I’m not interested in a career or promotions.

I used to have a counsellor who said I should play the game more, but I have never understood what this means. Why should I play games and what exactly does this involve?

It's all about fitting into the team - pitch the tone right - not too formal, not too relaxed. Make small talk (even if you are not interested). Be seen to make an effort with your colleagues (even if you don't want to). Be someone people enjoy working with, not someone who is miserable and moany.

As others have said, a lot of people present themselves very differently when they are at work. Almost like a 'game face'! Pretend if you have to.

I had a boss who said it’s better to be liked than right.

I work with a few people who are very pedantic and pull people up on tiny things that don’t matter and do it in a less than amicable way. For example if there’s a single small spelling in a document at review stage they’ll loudly point it out to everyone rather than correct it or tell the person individually. Of course they’re right to point out the spelling mistake but there’s ways of doing it that keep a spirit of amicability and respect.

It seems the only specific feedback you have been given is that you don't fit in with the team. Perhaps what your counsellor meant when she advised you to play along with the game, was for you to work on how you interact with your colleagues.

Do you avoid participating in conversations whether about work or general chit chat? Not engaging with discussions about work would make you a weak team member. Distancing yourself from general conversations might seem fair enough if you don't want to chat with those people, but in some ways it is that seemingly irrelevant chatting that goes some way to oiling the wheels of team building and an amiable work environment.
Do you steadfastly refuse to do anything more than is in your job description and not help out if asked to? While technically that shouldn't be a problem, the reality is that we all have to muck in from time to time. This can lead to being asked to do too much and too frequently, which has to be managed should that start happening. But to never help out when asked is likely to lead to you never being considered a good fit for a team.

I agree. In a workplace you have to park the impatient, intolerant part of yourself and just be friendly and open. That sometimes means biting your tongue when people interrupt you or ask a stupid question. Also digging deep and finding diplomatic ways of addressing issues rather than being completely matter of fact.

I think the game analogy is more 'playing by the rules of the game' rather than the workplace being a game in itself. As an example, Ann and Bob are playing snakes and ladders, then Charlie joins them. Charlie doesn't like snakes and ladders and repeatedly refuses to roll the dice or move his piece on the board. He thinks it's more interesting to throw his piece up and down in the air so he does that instead. It's not that him doing this is in any real sense stopping Ann and Bob from continuing the game as they were before, Charlie isn't actively disturbing or disrupting them with his actions but it is going to be uncomfortable for them and make them feel as though Charlie has started a whole new game, one in which they can't really participate. Maybe they're insecure about their snakes and ladders choice and feeling as though Charlie is judging them. Maybe they don't understand why Charlie likes throwing the pieces around and are worried there's some kind of intent to damage things. They would much prefer it if Charlie simply either played the game according to the rules or left and played somewhere else (and since they were there first it's not entirely unreasonable they feel that way)

I think workplace cultures are a lot like that, there are structures and expectations that people for the most part abide by, and if someone comes in and is obviously very different it can feel disruptive and uncomfortable. With the key exception that in snakes and ladders the rules are defined and written down (or at least mutually understood). Whereas social rules are more implicit and can be much more variable depending on context and individuals - an easy example is that where people share some kind of characteristic it's part of bonding to criticise or moan about things related to that characteristic (e.g. complaining about the performance of a sports team you both support, or poking fun at a quirky or annoying aspect of a shared culture) - but it's not OK for someone who doesn't have that characteristic to join in that negativity.

As a straightforward person are you getting peoples backs up by correcting them in meetings or in group emails? Part of the expression 'playing the game' also involves acting as a team and being considerate of others.

They don't like you because you're not like them. You are secure in yourself and don't 'play the game' because as you rightly say, why would you? You have an air of authenticity they will never have the confidence to display.

You're exposing the farce through your actions.

I get it. I'm like you as well. I will say though, it's a tough path to walk. I still never feel that compromising myself is worth it though. It's ok to be you but sadly this is probably how it will always be taken. They will never be ok with it.

I found different ways to survive and do ok. Could you be self employed? It's not for everyone but at least you'd be in control of the work place 'culture'. Is working from home an option? That gives a bit of distance. I've also worked two part time jobs rather than one full time before and that really helped. Sort of pissed people off more slowly as I was only there a couple of days a week instead of every day 😂

I've never had a promotion or even wanted one and can still retire in my 50s if I choose to.

I wondered that too.
I have a member of my team who sends me emails which just instantly get my back up. Her tone is accusatory and there is never any acknowledgement of how I may have supported her or helped with a tricky situation. It's just an underlying feeling that she thinks I'm doing a shit job.
She doesn't actually think that ( we had a chat!) but she just fires emails off without thinking about how they'll be received. She would describe herself as straightforward but she comes across as rude and difficult.

There's so much missing information here. What's the sector? Is this like a male dominated field? Is it something inherently cut-throat and competitive like finance where just wanting to the do the job is looked at as not enough? Is it teaching where saying no to career development opportunities makes you less value for money? I just think a bit more context could help.

Are you sure you aren’t neurodivergent OP? You are taking this extremely literally and much of “the game” involves effective social interaction…

Playing the game =

• making friends at work, not just your immediate workmates but others in the organisation who may support you and speak well of you

• going above and beyond. This is not necessarily to get promotion but to make yourself valuable in order to stay in role

• conforming to office conventions. If others lunch at a particular time (or work through lunch); bring in cakes/biscuits; stay late regularly as standard; linger in the kitchen for a cuppa and a catch up - you will mark yourself as an outsider if you don’t and therefore be more vulnerable

I think that being nice to colleagues is part of it but I wonder if it's more about showing willing.

Do you contribute to new ideas, or accept changes readily or is your default 'i don't see why we can't do it like we did before'.

Do you do the minimum and leave without showing commitment to the role? It doesn't mean loads of extra hours, just offering help or to take things on if you have capacity.

Some of it really is just lip service. 'oh yes that sounds a great idea' etc. internally you can be thinking FFS this is just unnecessary complication but playing the game means you slap on a smile and nod.

If you don't do this you risk being labelled as difficult, which seems to be what's happening.

Playing the game can mean lots of different things depending on the context. For example, I’ve seen it used to mean volunteering for non-billable projects in a professional services context. The management want to organised a workshop on x. They need someone to be the point person to make sure it happens. It can be enormously time consuming and your bonus depends on doing enough client work. But if you want to be promoted or get a pay rise, you need to “play the game” and do this sort of thing rather than quietly getting on with your work and keeping your head down.

Suck up. Smile. Feign interest in people and things you couldn't care less about. Those who are really good at the game work out power structures early on and know which projects to volunteer for to give them the best exposure (whether what they do is worth anything or not) and which to politely decline; strike up friendships with those at least a few levels higher up, so there is always someone with decision making power in a room to speak up for them; and excel at doing as little as possible while making it appear like they are the essential part that keeps the whole machine moving.

Yes I’m sure. My therapist used this phrase several times but I never worked out what she meant. I know a few people are saying I’m taking it too literally, but it was her who mentioned it.

I do wonder if this is the case. This is why I’ve been told a couple of times really vague things like it’s just not working out, without ever giving me an example of what it is that I’ve apparently done wrong.

Have you asked her to explain? Sounds like she'd be in a better position to help you understand what she means.

The OP doesn't sound secure in herself at all?

Far from it.

Hence the thread.

Why didn't you ask her to explain what she meant?

I don’t go to counselling any more. This was something she said in the past.

I think it can mean lots of things. Being seen to do the right things according to that workplace or industry culture. It often involves a certain amount of sucking up to the bosses and ensuring you seem very keen at all times. I remember being admonished for not applying for a job I wasn't at all qualified for at that time because doing so would show them my ambition. Honestly a lot of it is bollocks and I could never be bothered with any of it. I am someone much more suited to working for myself and I have been much more successful at that than trying to make myself fit into a certain kind of culture. Also way back in the day it could also mean not making a fuss about the kind of sexual harassment that was the norm in some work places.

Oh god yes I work with someone who has to prove she’s better than everyone else. Obviously a therapists dream but god it’s exhausting and no one likes her as it’s bloody constant. How are you - oh god I’m so busy so stressed etc. if we have a laugh during the first two minutes of a meeting are hates it. It’s just constant point scoring.

I have this problem at work and I am ND but my approach is formulaic, with lots of lists. 'Playing the game' means following the same rules as everyone else, written and unwritten. This involves a lot of pretending but part of the game is you can't let on that you're pretending. All of work is this game so you can't move jobs to get away from it. People pretend they love their job, that work clothes are nice, they enjoy their colleagues company, that there's nothing more productive than a nice chat. Part of the game is copying what other people do for non work things like lunch, tea rounds, chatting, time of leaving and arriving, topics of discussion, they call this 'work culture'. If you don't copy then you don't fit the work culture. Of course you have career ambitions OP because you love working here/this role, you might not want promotion but that means you choose another pretending route: maybe you tell people you love your colleagues and just want to stay at this level to support them, maybe it's the work/client contact in this role you love, perhaps you're thinking of a sideways move and want to hear other people's ideas and experiences .Whatever you pick, that's your work character and for your own happiness you have to embrace it and start volunteering for stuff to fit it and voicing your enthusiasm along these lines. Watch out for the tests of whether you know everyone is pretending, they sometimes pretend "oh we all hate this meeting/this person" and you think you're safe to drop the act, no this is a test and you have to respond in character, so you can only agree you also hate the meeting because it hasn't got enough colleague support chat or it takes you away from client time, this is not when you reveal you think work is a pointless waste of life.

But asking her what she meant would surely have been part of the natural conversation, if you were to get any benefit from the counselling?

Anyway it's in the past now.

But I do think she just met adapting to fit into your environment.

You are taking it too literally. It's just a common phrase used that's all! There isn't an actual game. Just a set of unspoken but expected behaviour.

It sounds to me that your therapist has worded it clumsily, and maybe means that you don't come across as a team player.

I read all the time on mumsnet "I don't go to work to make friends", which IMO is a very inward looking view. You don't have to be friends with your colleagues, but the workplace is a much nice place if you can try to get along with your colleagues.

I call my colleagues workmates rather than colleagues because that is what they are.