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What is “playing the game” at work?

112 replies

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:01

I’ve not had a lot of luck with jobs in the past, apart from one job I really loved but got made redundant from. I’ve had a few bosses who never seemed to like me and I’ve been so unhappy. I’m good at my job but I’m not interested in a career or promotions.

I used to have a counsellor who said I should play the game more, but I have never understood what this means. Why should I play games and what exactly does this involve?

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 22/01/2026 11:15

It’s fine not to want promotions but does your post mean that you don’t put the effort into connecting with your boss and colleagues? Could she be saying that you should think about how you can get on better with colleagues and that a new strategy might help?

I notice that men do this with small talk about football. A work manager might support a different team to them but knowing the last match score or football gossip helps create an opportunity for small talk and connection. Over time, it makes them closer and the image of the manimproves iyswim.

People generally aren’t their normal natural selves at work. They have a work version of themselves that helps them get through the day. Have you ever watched Friends? There’s an episode which features Chandler’s “work laugh” which is a ridiculous fake laugh that he uses when with work mates. He dates Monica who thinks that the laugh is ridiculous but by the end of the episode realises that this stupid laugh is how he copes at work.

Obviously I don’t know you or your work colleagues. They could be arseholes where there is no winning them over but the info in your post is too limited for me to know that.

Is your unhappiness tied to your bosses not liking you? Are you in the type of work where you’re supposed to climb up the ladder?

HundredsandHundreds · 22/01/2026 11:19

What do you mean by ‘I’m good at my job but I’m not interested in a career’? And if you’re good at your job, why have you had several managers who seem to have been dissatisfied?

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:19

No, my job isn’t a career job. I’m not trying to get promoted.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 22/01/2026 11:23

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:19

No, my job isn’t a career job. I’m not trying to get promoted.

Do you think that’s why your bosses haven’t liked you?

Do you work with people who are trying to get promoted? Do they get along with the bosses?

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:24

HundredsandHundreds · 22/01/2026 11:19

What do you mean by ‘I’m good at my job but I’m not interested in a career’? And if you’re good at your job, why have you had several managers who seem to have been dissatisfied?

They’re not dissatisfied with my work, they just never seem to like me. I’ve been told vague things like it’s just not working out, you’re just not fitting in with the team etc, and I’ve had a couple of people make up completely untrue stories about me just to get rid of me. Half the time I feel like I’m being deliberately set up to fail even though I haven’t actually done anything wrong.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 22/01/2026 11:24

It just means be nice, join in, understand and get to know people, learn what they like and do that. Work hard, don't cause trouble, don't moan unnecessarily. Just be a reliable, nice to be around, easy to manage part of the team.

If you know the game and play it well it can take you a long way.

Egglio · 22/01/2026 11:25

Are you neurodivergent OP?

I know this is a stock MN response on here that annoys people, but honestly, the fact you don't understand how to 'play the game' really makes sense to me as a neurodivergent person.

It's not only 'what is the game' but even if someone explains it to you, the feeling might be 'but why would I do that?'.

I personally have to make a conscious effort and it's another part of my job to me.

I'm sure someone will come along and say this is not a neurodivergent thing, everyone does it. But they don't understand just how much effort that masking takes and how much doesn't come naturally in the slightest.

Snorlaxo · 22/01/2026 11:27

Are you unhappy because you try and get along with the rest of the team and it’s not recognised? Or do you think that being good at your job should be the only requirement?

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:28

Egglio · 22/01/2026 11:25

Are you neurodivergent OP?

I know this is a stock MN response on here that annoys people, but honestly, the fact you don't understand how to 'play the game' really makes sense to me as a neurodivergent person.

It's not only 'what is the game' but even if someone explains it to you, the feeling might be 'but why would I do that?'.

I personally have to make a conscious effort and it's another part of my job to me.

I'm sure someone will come along and say this is not a neurodivergent thing, everyone does it. But they don't understand just how much effort that masking takes and how much doesn't come naturally in the slightest.

No I’m not neurodivergent. I’m just a straightforward person who doesn’t enjoy sneaking around and I can’t stand gossipy behaviour. Nobody has ever given me a straight answer about why they don’t like me so I don’t see how I can change anything. I don’t go to work to play games.

OP posts:
IPM · 22/01/2026 11:29

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:24

They’re not dissatisfied with my work, they just never seem to like me. I’ve been told vague things like it’s just not working out, you’re just not fitting in with the team etc, and I’ve had a couple of people make up completely untrue stories about me just to get rid of me. Half the time I feel like I’m being deliberately set up to fail even though I haven’t actually done anything wrong.

Half the time I feel like I’m being deliberately set up to fail even though I haven’t actually done anything wrong.

In all the jobs you've done?

This doesn't make sense because what would be the benefit for all of those people?

Do you mind saying why you had a counsellor? Obviously you don't have to if you're not comfortable.

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:33

IPM · 22/01/2026 11:29

Half the time I feel like I’m being deliberately set up to fail even though I haven’t actually done anything wrong.

In all the jobs you've done?

This doesn't make sense because what would be the benefit for all of those people?

Do you mind saying why you had a counsellor? Obviously you don't have to if you're not comfortable.

I had counselling in the past due to something unrelated in my personal life, but we covered all sorts of other topics. It’s not relevant why, just that she mentioned playing the game several times.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 22/01/2026 11:34

I don’t go to work to play games.

Nobody goes to work to play games. They mould themselves to fit into a team better because people spend lots of time at work and it makes things more bearable if you get along with people. For example I’m not a dog person at all but there’s a guy on my team who is dog mad and happy to be asked about his dog. I politely smile at his latest photos and it contributes to a better work environment.

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:35

Snorlaxo · 22/01/2026 11:34

I don’t go to work to play games.

Nobody goes to work to play games. They mould themselves to fit into a team better because people spend lots of time at work and it makes things more bearable if you get along with people. For example I’m not a dog person at all but there’s a guy on my team who is dog mad and happy to be asked about his dog. I politely smile at his latest photos and it contributes to a better work environment.

I have done exactly that, showed an interest in people’s pets. I just consider this being polite, I didn’t realise it was some kind of game.

OP posts:
GatherlyGal · 22/01/2026 11:37

It's just about building relationships OP. You don't have to be best mates with everyone or join in gossip you just need to connect a bit.

For most jobs there are other people who can do it just as well as you so the difference needs to be that you are pleasant to work with, take an interest in people and look like you care.

You don't have to be fake or sacrifice your integrity but work takes up a lot of one's life and it is more pleasant if you can get along with colleagues while you do it.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 22/01/2026 11:39

I think you're getting too hung up on the idea of playing games. It's just a phrase that is often used to describe navigating work politics.

HundredsandHundreds · 22/01/2026 11:39

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:28

No I’m not neurodivergent. I’m just a straightforward person who doesn’t enjoy sneaking around and I can’t stand gossipy behaviour. Nobody has ever given me a straight answer about why they don’t like me so I don’t see how I can change anything. I don’t go to work to play games.

No one’s asking you to ‘play games’ though. You don’t really give enough information to say for sure, but it sounds as if you aren’t good at rubbing along with team members on a day to day basis. No one is asking you to gossip or sneak, just practice the basic social politeness and collegiality that’s needed when a bunch of people are in the same place for hours every day.

Kalebstractor · 22/01/2026 11:39

You need to manage relationships in work if you want to succeed or just keep your job. Think about how you're perceived and what behaviours you need to change to make that more smooth. Think about managing your relationship with your bosses - are you doing what they need and making their lives easier or harder.
That's it. You don't need to be your authentic self, it's fine to have a slightly adjusted work personality that you leave at the door.

IPM · 22/01/2026 11:40

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:35

I have done exactly that, showed an interest in people’s pets. I just consider this being polite, I didn’t realise it was some kind of game.

You're getting far too hung up on the word 'game' and taking it a bit too literally.

For 'game', read 'adapting to fit'.

In the same way that if you were introduced to a small child, you wouldn't talk to them in exactly the same way you would an adult.

AltitudeCheck · 22/01/2026 11:41

To me it just means making the effort to appear interested in your colleagues, smiling, saying hello, asking how their weekend was, remembering something they mentioned before and asking after that person/ event / hobby. Having a generally positive vibe. Asking someone who's got a lot of work on if you can help them, offering to make them a cup of coffee when you make yourself one.

Basically making a little effort to be likeable and not being the office 'energy vampire' who people dread, the one who uses every opportunity to complain/ spread negativity/ be dismissive or disinterested in other people.

NoctuaAthene · 22/01/2026 11:47

It's not really a 'game' in the sense of there being points to be scored or winners and losers at the end, more it's the social conventions that make the workplace pleasant (according to what the majority/ conventions define as pleasant, which can vary from what you individually prefer).

It's things like taking an interest in your co-workers lives, their spouses and children, what they watch on TV, where they are going on holiday (but not too much interest as that would also be weird), and sharing similar information about yourself - essentially forming a social relationship/ bond with people that if you weren't colleagues you would not have any kind of relationship with. Workplace gossip is an interesting one - you may really not care about the spat Tim and John had over the photocopier or that Tina resents Rachel's promotion (if these things don't affect you in any way) but it is part of the convention (or game if you will) to pay at least lip service to this being interesting and significant news - if you are too open about your disdain for such things it will definitely be interpreted (probably correctly) as disdain for your colleagues or thinking that you are better than them - it's just not the done thing.

It's sort of like grooming or other bonding behaviours animals do - it may not be strictly necessary for survival but it creates social bonds. Most people (not all) value those bonds and find people who voluntarily place themselves outside the group norm in that way somehow odd or suspicious or think they're looking down on them.

Not saying that to 'play the game' means you suddenly have to be Queen Bee of the workplace, spending every moment and chatting and gossiping and so on, and you definitely don't have to be bitchy (speaking as a socially awkward person putting on a fake act in that way is just as bad if not worse than being your unvarnished 'real self'). But it's good to show a token interest, inconsequential small talk is great, as is asking questions - the latter I find particularly good in case of gossip, as like you i really don't like to participate in anything hurtful, so if someone comes in going 'OMG did you hear about how Ann embarrassed herself' I'll say things like 'what happened', 'is she OK', things like that, rather than refusing to participate in the conversation at all, but I won't join in merely slagging Ann off - if the conversation goes that way I'll either change the subject or if need be invent a reason I need to leave the conversation entirely.

Willowkins · 22/01/2026 11:48

The last job I got was a 1 year fixed contract and I'm still there 8 years later so I know how to 'play the game' (I agree with you it's not a game).
It's about being professional and I would define that as building trust - doing what you say you're going to and showing an interest in building skills (even if you don't want to be promoted).
It's about understanding the culture and making the effort to fit in. I know that doesn't come naturally to some people but listening and nodding goes a long way.

Snorlaxo · 22/01/2026 11:48

If you are making polite talk like pretending to be interested in pets then you are playing the game. I don’t call that behaviour playing games because that’s obviously linked to being manipulative. Trying to fit into the team is usually a good thing.

Are you unhappy about being managed out with the fake stories? Or unhappy that your bosses don’t like you? If not being liked at work is making you unhappy then the counsellor may be reasonable in suggesting that you change your behaviour to fit in better.

It sounds like the bosses have told you that you don’t fit in with the rest of the team. Unless they do something extreme like take drugs together, why do you think that is? Are you picking jobs at similar companies? For example I’d imagine that working in a family business when you’re not part of the family could be tricky. It doesn’t sound like your team or bosses either. Why do you think that is?

Waitingforthesunnydays · 22/01/2026 11:48

Frozen321 · 22/01/2026 11:28

No I’m not neurodivergent. I’m just a straightforward person who doesn’t enjoy sneaking around and I can’t stand gossipy behaviour. Nobody has ever given me a straight answer about why they don’t like me so I don’t see how I can change anything. I don’t go to work to play games.

I don’t think it’s “playing games”, it should just come naturally to most reasonable people. All it is IME is being easy-going, working hard, being nice to colleagues, not being difficult for no reason, being pleasant to be around. I don’t think it’s that hard for neurotypical people

EverythingGolden · 22/01/2026 11:52

I’ve worked with people who through no fault of their own necessarily, just seem to rub others up the wrong way. It might be through tone of voice, body language or abrupt interactions. In a workplace these things can get blown out of proportion especially if you have particularly sensitive colleagues. They may be otherwise nice people and great at their job. Managers can find it difficult to articulate because social interaction is complex. I don’t know if this is you OP, I’m not saying it is.

LookingThroughGlass · 22/01/2026 11:54

It's mainly about feigning wild enthusiasm for things that bore you witless.