DH never comes to bed with me

[Thingscouldntgetanyworse]

That’s it really. He’s a night owl. I know I can’t ask him to change but I hate that I always go to bed alone. I stay up far later than my brain is thankful for (I’m going to bed now at 00.49 but I’ve been tired since 11) and he says “I’ll be in the now” but he won’t be. It’ll be closer to 2am before he comes to bed.

does Anyone out there actually go to bed same time as their DP?

We almost always go to bed together. We’ve never discussed it to be honest, one of us says shall we go up and we do. I’ve never even thought about it 😂

In my 20's / 30's I was in bed probably 2 hours before DH I hated it as he generally woke me by coming to bed just by faffing around getting undressed. However, now I'm heading towards 50, it's me wanting to wander around until 2am.

I do feel adults should be able to chose their own bedtime though.

I literally hate this.

Someone asked me why I don’t live with a man and I said because there are some couples who have to go to bed at the same time and actually get annoyed/upset if their spouse doesn’t go up at the same time as them.

Imagine being such a wet lettuce that you don’t like going to bed alone when your DP is literally a few steps away still!

I cannot put in words how much I hate the idea of that. It actually makes me feel sick just thinking about it 😂

But there’s a difference between going to the bedroom to have sex and going to the bedroom to sleep.

If one person is not tired eg OP’s DP - he can still go to the bedroom to have sex but then go back to doing whatever he wants to do.

I believe OP is saying she’s upset that he doesn’t go to bed with her at the same time and stay there, not that he doesn’t go and have sex with her.

No, we never have - I’m in bed mostly by 10.30 reading and he stays up and watches all the scary crap on TV I don’t like!!

A lot of MNers won't have sex unless they're freshly showered, penises have been bleached, sex towel laid neatly on the bed and it's someone's birthday. Spontaneous morning sex would be their worst nightmare.

Yes, of course. I think it's fine to go to bed separately.

I was just defending couples who do go to bed together as a lot of people here think it's because we're clingy or immature or weird.

Of course. However, if a couple are never awake in bed at the same time, the opportunities for intimacy are reduced. That can lead to lack of connection & dissatisfaction.

My ex always wanted us to go to bed at the same time and it drove me mad. If I was tired before him he’d follow me straight to bed then keep me awake, if he was tired before me he’d refuse to go to bed then repeatedly complain how tired he was. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to bed at a different time.

Nope. I go to bed between 10-11pm and my DP will stay up until 1-2am. Think the only time he has an 'early' night is if hes actually unwell.

My partner is a night owl and goes to bed later than me. I usually go around 10/10.30 and he comes up between midnight and 1am.
He always comes up with me though to “tuck me in”…aka gives me cuddles and kisses etc and turns the light off. I fall asleep the second he’s left so doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t stay! Could your husband do this?

Hahah yes, imagine the morning breath - the horror 😂

Only if you're very prescriptive about the way intimacy can happen.

My DP was the same and yes it really bothers me, so we have now compromised on him not doing that every single night, maybe just a few a week.

Remember when you negotiate on this that he doesn't have to "get" why you feel like this. You can explain why if you want but if its important to you and you're suggesting a reasonable compromise that's enough - I've made the mistake of trying to persuade someone of the validity of my position when they were never going to and it actually undermined my request.

Why is it weird?. We always do. I thought most people did, obviously not.

I think the main reason for us is that we work the exact same hours in the exact same type of job. We both need sleep so it only makes sense that we are on the same sleep schedule tbh.

I would be disappointed too op, my ex was like your dp, not nice whereas my now dh 95% of the time is following me into the en-suite

Sure. But also if one partner is expected to lie awake silently in the dark for 3 hours while the other one sleeps every night, this can also lead to lack of connection and dissatisfaction.

We are the same but I love being in bed by myself.

My ex would make me go to bed when he did so when we first got together I would ask my husband for permission to go to bed without him and he was like what? You're an adult? Do what you want...

Happens here quite often where I go first, I did last night. I’m always up before my OH as well. I really couldn’t care, makes no odds at all.

Hardly ever, he goes to bed earlier than me usually, I’ll go about 11.30
Sometimes we swap if he wants to watch football or something and I’ll just go to bed.
I’d never stay up if I was tired just because he was

I would want separate rooms as him coming up late would wake me and then I would struggle to sleep again.

I’m a lark and usually in bed by 9:30. XH was a night owl so he would be up about two hours longer.

I don’t understand why that would be problematic?

We go to bed separately. I usually go earlier and he comes up much later or even falls asleep downstairs. Sometimes I question whether it's a sign of a problem but I actually like going to bed alone.

Nothing to stop the night owl half of the couple getting up again afterwards!