How to raise a son to not be a mummy's boy

[Hopeful900]

I'm 36 week pregnant with a baby boy. I have daughters already.

I'm excited for this new baby but I have moments of dread (which I didn't have with my girls) because all the men I know are such mummy's boys and I find it really nauseating. I hope I can raise my son better but I'm not sure how to do this exactly.
My brothers, father, father in law all have (in my opinion) weird relationships to their mothers and I think my sister who is raising a son is also doing a bad job. By this I mean they all seem to expect their mothers to pamper them and make a fuss of them when their together and seem to lack awareness that this may not be very convenient or considerate to their mothers. Adult daughters don't do this to their mothers in my experience.

I would love recommendations on how to raise a boy to be a man that doesn't look to women/ their mother/ their wife for them to do everything/loads for them that they can really do themselves! Any advice or reading/podcasts much appreciated, I really don't want to mess this up.

Modelling from Dad

Maybe just treat your new child the same way as your previous ones and teach them your values regardless of their sex? I have two boys, I didn’t dread having them, and they are both polite helpful kind children. I don’t pander to them, so they have not been brought up to expect that.

I have two boys and a girl and I'm sorry, but this is an odd post. You just parent them, modelling your values, the same as you presumably do with your daughters.

You mention your brothers, father, father in law and nephew. Where's your partner or husband in this? Maybe you need better male role models in your life?

Treat them exactly the same as you have your dds.

I've raised a ds17 alone. Let's call him Fred.

From the start I haven't consciously raised him to be one gender or the other. Our relationship started as mummy playing with Fred, Fred helping me with cooking, cleaning, washing the car, planting flowers, playing games etc.

Sex isn't really relevant. As a single mum I do everything, and as he has got older, I expect him to do his share of all the chores.

Hadn't thought of this! Hopefully my husband will be a good role model for this because he isn't to bad in this regard. I don't pander to him or the girls.

Thank you for your replies.

I think if I have once piece of real advice, it's to teach your daughters they can do anything your son can do, and teach your son he can do anything your daughters can do.

I just feel alot of mother's seem to fall into the trap of doing more for their sons versus their daughters. I'm really not sure why. I just don't want that to be me because the end result isn't great! Good advice re parenting the same regardless of childs sex, I'm hoping to do that, I just wonder why so many fail and how I can avoid that. Are little boys more needy maybe?

Maybe it’s because some women (I.e you) hold women responsible for men’s behaviour, adult men are responsible for their OWN behaviour. Little
boys aren't more needy, although you may make yours that way by deciding while he’s still a foetus that he could become an idiot due to your behaviour.

What a ridiculous post. You are the one raising your children, what on earth do you think will happen differently when your son arrives? That suddenly all your mothering skills will disappear? Do like the majority of us mothers do, raise your son and daughters to be be decent humans. Not rocket science.
There’s a faux naïveté to your post, as though you’re the first woman to ever consider this.

Neediness varies child by child. Are your daughters a monolith, each with the exact same levels of neediness? Boys are no more inherently needy than girls. But raising them in a way that ignores their needs and isn't responsive and attentive to their emotions, because they're boys, is bound to result in raising exactly the kind of man you want to avoid.

And this is beyond ridiculous.

By not labelling your relationship with your son. I have a son, my late Dh died when he was 14. We are and always have been a close team but he isn’t a mummy’s boy. He has had some cuddly patches but is naturally quite independent. But it would have been ok if he’d been a lot cuddlier. Let him be himself.

I think (90% of the time) it’s when the mothers have a crap husband/ no husband/no partner and use their sons as replacement husbands.
They train their boys that they matter the most over everything, even themselves. It’s very toxic and sad.

Raise them to be well mannered and considerate.
Make sure they’re active and have a good work ethic.
Teach them, and model, care for each other, show appreciation for others when it comes to birthdays and special events.
and to have a good work ethic including doing chores.
Don’t think because they’re boys, they’re not sensitive as children or shouldn’t be. You won’t be turning them into mummy’s boys if you hug them and acknowledge their sadness and tears.

Op I get you on this!!! I really do. My mum honestly favoured my brother and treated him like a king, bigged him up called him man of the house etc. he’s so attached to her it’s unreal!!! I’m due my first son shortly! I have an amazing daughter. Our father was useless tbf. She was a single mum. Boy mums won’t get what you see but I do and I worry about it too.

No.

I was a single parent and an active Feminst.

I always worked full time and my child had kitchen sets, dolls and cars etc growing up. No gender stereo type upbringing.

He did his own washing from 12 years old and knew how to cook when he went to uni etc.

He is now married to a woman who does EVERYTHING for him. To be fair if I was married to someone who did everything for me I'd be lapping it up too.

It annoys the hell out of me. But it works for them so who am I to judge?

But I just think more fool her, he wasn't brought up that way.

They don't have kids and they appear very happy.

In short OP as long as you bring him up the same as your daughters and your OH is a positive role model. Not sure there is more you can do.

No matter what we do, our kids make their own way in life.

Thanks for this @JetFlight something to think about.

My son is not a mummy’s boy n the way you describe. I’m his only parent so we are very close, but he lives on his own, has done his own laundry (and ironing) since he was 14, can cook and dies whatever else for himself. He doesn’t expect me to wait on him hand snd foot, because I never have. So treat him as you do your daughters. Teach and expect good manners, give him the same chores, and watch the ‘boys will be boys’ excuse. If you have a partner I hope they can demonstrate exactly what it means to be a good human too.

I think some of these replies are quite harsh and a bit simplistic. It's a fair question - certainly a lot of boys/men seem to be dependent on their mums in a way that daughters often aren't, and it's reasonable to wonder how that happens. The implication of some of these replies is that it's totally down to you - there's a bit of irony in there for me about women being responsible for men's behaviour!

In practice I think it's a good sign that you're even asking the question. If your (and ideally your DH's) starting point is that your DS's needs mostly don't differ from those of your DDs just due to his sex then that should be a real help. In the relationships I know where the dependency dynamic is particularly strong, it seems that someone has actively pushed for it. If that's not going to be you then that helps, but as @PoppyWarrior has shown, it might still not be enough to avoid it as there are a number of other societal pressures involved.

In short - you can only do so much! Good on you for thinking about it, and all the best for the rest of your pregnancy 💐

There are a lot of posts on here from women who feel their male partners were treated very badly compared to their sisters. The most recent academic studies (2025)show that daughters are preferred to sons and treated better. Baby boys are left to cry longer and do not receive the same degree of nurturing.
A recent large-scale research, including a major 2025 meta-analysis, indicates parents globally tend to subtly favour daughters over sons: Daughters are favoured by both mothers and fathers.
The researchers examined how this differential treatment varied by the children’s birth order and gender, as well as their temperament and personality. While previous research has been mixed when it comes to favoritism and gender, this study found that “daughters tend to be favored, and that was across the board,” Jensen said. Both mothers and fathers tended to show differential treatment for daughters.
This study was widely reported . I tried to link the report in the Guardian but there is a firewall.
This link is from the Mail
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-14292367/amp/Parents-favourite-child-scientists-say-bad-news-boys.html

And from The Huff Post. All
major news outlets carried it. It confirms what MN readers already know that baby boys are not treated as favourably as baby girls.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/new-study-reveals-parents-do-have-a-favorite-child-heres-who-it-is-goog_l_67ae1f0ae4b0d5971dbd868d/amp

Baby boys tend to be left to cry longer, they do not receive the same degree of focus. Male children are more likely to be physically punished.
This study from The University of Michigan found that Fathers paid greater attention to daughters than to sons.
https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/fathers-pay-more-attention-to-toddler-daughters-than-sons--study.html

There is so much evidence now from Social Research that many parents treat their sons and daughters differently and that girls are widely favoured. It is hard to be a little boy. So many studies link poor treatment of boys in infancy and childhood with the poor mental of men and the significant suicide rates of young men.

He needs a good dad who models being a respectful emotionally intelligent adult, crucially who can set boundaries firmly but in a kind and adult way.

my son is 14 and his relationship with his father is so important to him at this stage. Of course I’m hugely important too but I’m very grateful that DH is with me as I can’t imagine what the dynamics in the house would be if there was no dad and my son was the only male (he also has an older sister but no brother).

as the mum you have to also do the work of letting go of your son a bit and let him develop into a man and don’t smother him.

Treat him the same as your daughters - the same expectations , the same care

boys don’t need to be tough, they are not naturally more violent or energetic than girls , they can clean and cook when they get older

it is down to parents and society - there have been studies for decades showing how we treat girls differnt to boys

one simple way to trick your brain might be to make sure you dress the new baby the same as you dressed your others - don’t go all out for blue everywhere

unisex name may also help you