How to raise a son to not be a mummy's boy

[Hopeful900]

I'm 36 week pregnant with a baby boy. I have daughters already.

I'm excited for this new baby but I have moments of dread (which I didn't have with my girls) because all the men I know are such mummy's boys and I find it really nauseating. I hope I can raise my son better but I'm not sure how to do this exactly.
My brothers, father, father in law all have (in my opinion) weird relationships to their mothers and I think my sister who is raising a son is also doing a bad job. By this I mean they all seem to expect their mothers to pamper them and make a fuss of them when their together and seem to lack awareness that this may not be very convenient or considerate to their mothers. Adult daughters don't do this to their mothers in my experience.

I would love recommendations on how to raise a boy to be a man that doesn't look to women/ their mother/ their wife for them to do everything/loads for them that they can really do themselves! Any advice or reading/podcasts much appreciated, I really don't want to mess this up.

It’s quite simple actually. You raise them as the men you want them to be. People forget you have boys but are raising men.

I have 3 sons, all fully functioning adult men now. What I have noticed is they are far more capable as adults than the women they have married who were unable to run a home because they were spoiled by their parents who did everything for them. Is it because they are female? No it’s because of how they were parented. So the raising boys v raising girls thing is nonsense. You raise children to be the adults you put out into the world.

oh and one of mine would say he’s a Mummy’s boy, not because he’s reliant on me (shudders at the thought) but because he loves me so much.

You might enjoy reading Caitlin Morans’s book What About Men. I found it gave an interesting insight into some of the challenges young boys and men face in society today, from communicating their feelings to the influence of Andrew Tate.

I don’t think it’s as simple as having a good male role model. I recently watched Inter Alia with Rosamund Pike, in which the middle aged father admits that he has no idea how to teach his teenage son to be a good man because society is completely different to when he was a young man.

As a mother of 2 boys (now 20 and 16), the best advice I can give is to allow them to have some independence at any early age. Let them take risks and do scary things, fall out of trees and go camping with their mates. Do a paper round in the rain and snow, so they understand the rewards of hard work. I like to think my boys are capable and competent at cooking meals, doing laundry, etc because I taught them that they can do anything, solve any problem, themselves. You have to stand back and let them make mistakes - (have their bike stolen because they didn’t lock it up!) - so they can learn and grow.

Wrong, a lot of boys aren’t needy this is just your family situation you are seeing.

Don't enable lazy entitled behaviour it’s that simple.

Sounds more to me like gender disappointment and trying to say girls are easier and better (also very wrong).

You hadn’t thought that male influence was an issue? Honestly crack a book.

I have an 8yo who is a total mummy’s boy. I love it. It means he’s affectionate, kind, respectful and considerate, especially towards women, and I hope that in allowing him to be a mummy’s boy, he carries that through into adulthood.

Couldn’t agree more. I’m glad I didn’t have girls but really didn’t care either way and would have treated them the same.

Don’t do everything for him and don’t expect his sisters to either. Teach him young the life skills that he will need.
Slightly weird post as you have children already. Did you worry about daughters being daddy’s girls?
if you think other people in your extended family are going about it the wrong way then don’t do what they’re doing.

Yes that’s an excellent point. It’s always the mum’s fault somehow….

All of those things are applicable le to raising daughters too though?

The only difference I see being required in raising boys and girls, is to teach how to identify early abusive behaviour and to walk away. To stand up for other girls being bullied/ abused/ victimised. And to teach boys to not be misogynists, to not abuse and to stand up for the women in their lives, respecting and upholding women’s rights.

everything else is the same.

My son went to stay with his girlfriend and her family for a few days this week.

I couldn’t help but be proud when chatting about it, he said he got stuck into cooking and baking (he’s mad about both), played cricket and bridge, gave various people various lifts, joined in every walk, and fixed a faulty light socket.

I hope they liked him as much as we do.

This. He needs to not constantly see mum running around doing stuff while dad puts his feet up/plays computer games; when mum is busy, dad notices and does things to help (or even better is just doing stuff when it needs doing in the first place). He needs to see mum have nights or days out while dad looks after him and sister (without whinging about it), and dad also doing washing up, laundry, making dinner, taking him to appointments, going to school stuff.

I think there are some very interesting dynamics. On the one hand people often expect less of their sons in terms of tidiness, schoolwork and contribution to household tasks. That leads to the ‘mummy’s boy’. On the other hand boys are more likely to get told off, even physically chastised, and to receive less affection/emotional nurture. That results in a man who is undemonstrative, selfish or emotionally inexpressive.

You might think ‘I just won’t do all that’ but it’s interesting that sometimes in practice these things just creep in. My son is by temperament less compliant and ‘naughtier’ than my daughter. This means he naturally gets told off more and it’s easy to fall into the trap of asking our easier child to do more around the house and leaving him, because asking him results in a fight. I have to work quite hard to counteract these tendencies and realistically you will never be able to treat all your children exactly the same.

I spent many years doing absolutely everything for my DS, and realised when he turned 16 that he couldn’t even cook a boiled egg. I’ve had to really go in hard the last year in getting him to be more independent. He probably was a bit of a ‘mummy’s boy’ because he knew he could get away with anything, whereas he couldn’t with DH. I’m different with my DD’s because there’s a big age gap and I’m a completely different kind of parent now I’ve grown up a bit more.

My biggest piece of advice is that you need to give him independence and not fuss over him all of the time. Up until a year ago if DS wanted a piece of toast I would make it for him. Teach your DS how to do laundry, how to cook, how to clean etc - don’t just do that with your daughter. Mine is much better now but it was hard going when I decided I did need to force him to do things for himself because he’d spent 16 hears having them done for him!

The thing is though is that it’s not the same. On average boys and girls are slightly different. We treat them differently due to social conditioning but also because they are different. We need to be conscious of that instead of pretending it isn’t true.

I think it's a fair question but I hate the phrase 'Mummy's boy'.
I have three teen boys. They are all very different. I haven't had the challenge of parenting them alongside girls so I don't know how I would have done that differently.

I think making sure they have life skills in good time is essential for boys and girls. My DC know how to use the washing machine, love to cook, love to see culture and read books. They are into films, theatre, science. They can do DIY and are practical. They know about politics and current affairs. I'm not making out they are perfect or without challenges (we' had all sorts of challenges and it's really hard to be a teen boy - I didn't realise when I was a teen girl!). The reason for all of the above is because that's what me and DH are into too. And we include them in what we like/do. I think if you're doing something interesting in hobbies/cultural/work if you can afford to take your kids too it's well worth it (theatre, exhibitions..).

I see and know adult men who don't feel any compulsion at all to help in a social situation and I don't let the Dc get away with that (I've had people stay with me and the man just gets up and walks away from his plate, doesn't even say thanks, and the wife helps clear up). My DC lay the table, do the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, feed the animals. I know lots of families don't include the kids in that running of the house - girls and boys.

Homes there are some little boys who are more needy. I had one boy baby who was averagely needy and another boy baby who was much more ‘needy’. He genuinely needed more from me in every way, compared to my first son. I didn’t understand it and felt quite frustrated and I still feel guilty about ways in which I don’t think I fully met his needs for security and comfort. Please don’t do the same with your boy baby, because you have a pre-judged idea of what level of ‘neediness’ you think you should tolerate. Just parent the child you have. FWIW, it does seem like the average girl child can manage more independent tasks, eg dressing themselves, earlier than the average boy child. I think the time to think about equality is once they’re a bit older, like 7 and up. Please just respond to the needs of the small child that you have and don’t try to enforce independence too young, for the sake of a principle that forgets the actual child in front of you

Would you do that with a daughter? Or is it ok for women to be close their mother but not men?

Name one thing that they need to be treated differently about that isn’t social conditioning or stereotypes.

other than to my point, altering the abusive dynamic between men and women.

This post is so depressing.

The fact you have lumped emotional needs in with what you view as incapability is telling.

Its far more socially acceptable for women to rely on their mothers through out their life for emotional support or physical affection. God forbid a man does it and they are labelled a mummy's boy who needs to grow up.

Personally having daughters and sons I see a massive difference in how they are treated outside our home. They have different vulnerabilities at times and different expectations.

How do you raise them? To be kind. To be self sufficient. To know they have the space to be emotionally vulnerable. The same as your daughters.

It's kind of concerning that so many people absolve men from all responsibility of who they become. If they are a mummy's boy (not clear what that is) or can't make their way in the world, it's the mum's fault. Not the dad, not their own fault, the mum's fault.

Of course mums should teach all of their children basic life skills and have them as ready as possible to go out into the world. But an older teen or a young adult should be able to say to their mum "I've got this" and move towards independence themselves. I have two sons and one of them is better at this than the other. But I am hopeful both will manage it in the end.

I think a lot of people will describe as "mummy's boy" behaviour that in a woman's relationship with their mother they would see as totally normal or even distant. Basically there's a prevalent idea that men shouldn't be emotionally close to their mothers but women being emotionally emeshed with their mothers is the norm

Read “raising boys” it really explains that boys need more sensitivity in the early years, later on the need good role male models.

Girls are (on average) more socially attuned and mature. Ime this often translates into a greater desire to please. It’s fairly obvious that it’s going to be easier to get someone like this to help with housework. Conversely, boys have a greater (on average) desire for rough, high energy play. Again it seems clear that a child like this may be perceived as less in need of emotional nurture.

There is a lot of argument about whether these average tendencies in girls and boys are innate or socially conditioned, but they are so consistent across cultures that I think there must be at least some element that is innate.

Yes mainly don’t smoother and try n fix all his problems
you gotta let them figure stuff out themselves

respect they have their own life

Parents should equip their DC’s - sons and daughters to have the skills to go out into the world.

I’ve no time for parents who don’t do this particularly when you read numerous threads of women having to do everything childcare and running the home related because their partners are a combination of lazy and incompetent. There are threads at the moment about fathers who wouldn’t be able to put on a Christmas for their DC’s or even cook a Christmas dinner.

There was an excellent BBC documentary about the way we treat boys and girls differently. It was often used for Inset sessions by schools. It shows how even though people profess to treat boys and girls the same, they actually treat them very differently. It is available on Youtube.
https://www.google.com/search?q=BBC+documentary+gender&oq=BBC+documentary+gender&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yDQgCEAAYhgMYgAQYigUyDQgDEAAYhgMYgAQYigXSAQoxMDc