How to raise a son to not be a mummy's boy

[Hopeful900]

I'm 36 week pregnant with a baby boy. I have daughters already.

I'm excited for this new baby but I have moments of dread (which I didn't have with my girls) because all the men I know are such mummy's boys and I find it really nauseating. I hope I can raise my son better but I'm not sure how to do this exactly.
My brothers, father, father in law all have (in my opinion) weird relationships to their mothers and I think my sister who is raising a son is also doing a bad job. By this I mean they all seem to expect their mothers to pamper them and make a fuss of them when their together and seem to lack awareness that this may not be very convenient or considerate to their mothers. Adult daughters don't do this to their mothers in my experience.

I would love recommendations on how to raise a boy to be a man that doesn't look to women/ their mother/ their wife for them to do everything/loads for them that they can really do themselves! Any advice or reading/podcasts much appreciated, I really don't want to mess this up.

Posts read like AI to me?

I think being a mummys boy is fine if it just means close to mum. But I think the key is don't do everything for them. Things like yes Ill get x after you put your plate in the dishwasher, shoes away etc.. Or you can get your own x.

@Hopeful900
Many of the research studies I have linked to ( see upthread) show that boys and girls are remarkably similar as young children. Conditioning stereotypical behaviour starts early, as the BBC documentary listed above shows. Even teachers, who profess to know better, consistently treat boys and girls differently.
Posters on here complain about emotionally unavailable men. Society constantly belittles the efforts of men to maintain contact with their early care givers. Men are routinely called 'Mother's Boys' for having affectionate contact with their parents as adults. It is one of the most widely used terms of abuse on Mumsnet.
One of the studies shows that boys and girls cry the same amount until the age of ten when constant negative comments about boys crying means that boys button up and stop sharing their emotions. On all levels that is so wrong.
It is so worth watching the BBC documentary. it is eye opening how differently we treat girls and boys.

I think its subconscious expectations from society. I see girls are expected to put up with things more - humour visitors, accept rules etc.

Some people seem to be more relaxed with boys. Its like this - sarah is untidy, we need to show her how to tidy/ she needs to sort this out. John is untidy - ah he's like that - the creative but messy type - maybe he'll be a famous architect and hire a cleaner.

@Trainsandcars
Watch the BBC .
documentary if you haven't already and perhaps look at the Meta Research project I quoted which was widely reported a year ago. (January 2025). It shows that parents/teachers and other professionals routinely favour girls/ daughters. This is the case even in less economically developed countries
(where the preference was once for boys)
https://www.economist.com/briefing/2025/06/05/more-and-more-parents-around-the-world-prefer-girls-to-boys
The negativity on MN and in society towards little boys is damaging to both sexes.

Preface: I don't have a preference between boys & girls, both are wonderful in similar and different ways.

Little boys can be just gorgeous and I think many women really respond to that. As they grow to school age and start to learn independence, their need for snuggles with mum is really validating for mothers - especially if their interests tend to drift from their mum's (eg football). So I think many women find they still get their bonding moments with their sons when they're really looking after them.

I've seen this too with men I've dated, who thankfully have all had lovely mothers, but it's been clear their mums have still loved to be needed when their sons are grown.

(Obviously, not all boys so don't come for me, I'm generalising based on patterns I've noticed)

So I agree with others that the answer is not to treat them as mini princes and encourage independence, but it's also to be self aware as to why you might feel like pandering to them and finding healthier ways to meet that need. Whether that's finding activities you can enjoy with your son as he grows up, or being the person he comes to when he has a problem.

If you do end up with a very close relationship when he's grown, be mindful of who he chooses to prioritise. He should prioritise his wife / serious partner / the person he loves over you (caveats apply) so if you notice him doing so then have an open conversation and tell him you'll support him but his first port of call should be his wife/husband.

I think at this point there are elements of treating differently due to social hangovers (eg boys/men shouldn’t ever cry) but there are also innate differences between boys and girls that result in them being treated differently (there are hormonal reasons for differences in crying which is why a divergence starts at age 10). We just need to be aware of the differences and the possible downstream effects.

I’m not at all sure at what you mean by a “mummy’s boy”? I have two boys myself and don’t have a clue! If all the men you know have these nauseating traits does this include the one you married?

@Hriou
The 'innate' emotional differences you mention are not as distinct as you might think. Much of it is down to social conditioning.
From AI
Research suggests men and women experience emotions similarly, but societal conditioning heavily influences expression, with women often encouraged to show feelings (especially sadness/joy) while men are taught to suppress them (except anger/aggression). Studies show men's emotions fluctuate as much as women's, but stereotypes lead to misinterpretations, and women might be more internally expressive while men show greater physiological arousal. So, it's largely conditioning, not inherent biology, dictating how emotions are displayed.
If you copy and paste the above into Google it will give you the research links to support the AI findings.

And the "teaching" isn't as bland and uninteresting as "tell them it in words".

It's "show them by doing every single day". Children copy our behaviour far more than they listen to our words.

(Side note, this is why "chores during nap time" is a mystery to me. Chores with a toddler might not be as productive or successful, but they learn so much from seeing and taking part.)

I hate the term mummy's boy

I honestly see the opposite - a lot of "oh my little girl is uncomfortable, I must make it better for her" "my little boy is sad, he needs to man up and get over it"

And classrooms and other environments seem to favour girls over boys.

@billiongulls
The term of abuse, Mummy's Boy' is nearly as common on MN as the accusation of narcissism towards anybody exhibiting irritating behaviour. Mummy's Boy is such a misogynistic term that blames women for random bad behaviour exhibited by male partners. You do not read the same accusation against fathers. It is women picking on older women.

I hate mummy's boys - but i wish DS was a bit more of one!

I think being tidy or messy is somewhat innate though, my mum and gran are obsessed with tidiness, possibly to the point of OCD (contamination fears etc) Dh is also very tidy. I'm as messy as it gets and DS is very messy too. We're probably all ND though so maybe one extreme or the other.

DH was a complete mummies boy - ick - because his mother was extremely controlling and would guilt trip him into anything and everything. We moved away from her to escape it. His mother was definitely to blame for his behaviour, she was completely mental - she took a 40 mile taxi journey once to check we were back from holiday because she hadn't been able to phone us at 9 am after we got back at midnight (we were asleep). Complete nutter.

My son is 26 now, lives away and is completely independent, great job, loves his gf, quite alpha but relaxed about pulling his weight domestically and does his own life admin. He has a healthy relationship with us and his sisters - always around for family occasions and buys thoughtful gifts, lovely cards etc.

If that’s a good example for you then he benefitted from:
Me raising him with feminist principles.
His dad was an equal parent and homemaker.
He was always allowed to express his anger and frustrations (and we listened) but we were quite strict about behaviour and being kind to his sisters etc.
We supported him with ‘boy’ pursuits that he wanted to do - scouting, rugby, skating, D&D etc.
We encouraged him to be independent and responsible at age appropriate levels (to the point that by the time he got to secondary we virtually treated him like a mini-adult).
We encouraged his full participation in family life and with wider family such as grandparents etc. and was expected to chat and socialise as much as our dds.

Bottom line was I never ‘mummied’ him. Always trusted and supported him to pack his own bags for school trips, holidays, get himself ready for school, manage his own stuff even at primary school etc.

I have a friend who son (same age as my DS) still lives at home. She still does everything for him and when she visits me he calls her several times to see where she is. I would never want this. Encouraging them to be independent is the primary job of a parent imo.

Depends what you mean by mummy's boy. My boys hug me loads and tell me that they love me and my DS calls me several times a week from uni. I know they would come to help me any time I need them. They are confident young men and respectful and loving and care for their mum (and their dad too).
But I know that other contemporaries do not have that same relationship and may view our close relationship as a bit OTT?

What do you want from long term relationship with your kids? And how do you role models with your parents (if around). That will probably dictate a lot of how this plays out. I am very close to my mum, as is my brother. This is just how our family are

Single parent with sons.

I brought them up to be independent, problem solving, curious, kind and respectful adults.
I worked full time, they needed to do their share. We were a team.

Same as if I had daughters.

They Christmas shop and give thoughtful gifts, cook, iron, clean and are in regular contact. They make active, involved partners to their respective loves.

I have occasional time with each on their own. It is important they have a confidant and someone to ask advice of/offload on, if needed.

Couldn't wish for more.

One thing you might have to consciously do for all your children, btw, is make sure that they get access to the "wrong gender" toys that are actually universal.

I'm not talking about boys MUST HAVE unicorns, or girls MUST HAVE toy cars.

But boys must have crayons, crafts, fine motor toys. Girls must have the chance to throw and catch balls. Boys should get stuffed toys and dolls to role-play and girls should have gross-motor play equipment. Both should have lots of books.

And boy, do people like to give gendered gifts. I buy the stuff that no one buys my son - pens, crayons, paints etc. I give excess balls that we receive by the dozen to his female toddler friends because she doesn't get given any.

What an odd post

Similar to the concept for clothing - blue for a boy and pink for a girl. Stupid idea. They are clothes and the colour is irrelevant.
Nothing wrong with a baby girl wearing a blue babygro with tractors on or a baby boy wearing one with pink and purple flowers. .

Whatever dds aged 17 boyfriends mum has done it’s worked. Capable easy going lovely young man.

I do have friends I am otherwise like
minded with who are weird and over adoring with their boys (not their girls). Certainly not all but definitely a minority are like this and it’s not the women you would expect either.

The fact you are even asking the question op means you are aware so you won’t be like this! I don’t think these mums even realise what they are doing they are just so bowled over by their sons.

Thank you for all your comments. I read all of them and am learning lots. I'm going to watch that documentary on the BBC that @Dressered recommended. Thank you for all this advice.

This isnt the same as "man up". I see boy parents be more forgiving of untidiness.

So many abusive words on MN . It is fine on MN to call a man a dick or prick ( or worse) but to call a woman a cunt is unacceptable. MN loves to call men ‘Mummy’s Boys’ which manages to be abusive to men but also to blame women ( older women) which is seen as acceptable on here. Lots of advice on here to insult husband’s and partners physical appearance. Much of it is vile. I quoted a Liverpool University research project on the language used by Reddit posters. MN is bound to face the same scrutiny at some stage. Much of the language about men is disgusting. I compared it to the racism from the seventies. Posters who think it is ok to slag off a group because of one shared characteristic. It’s a dangerous world. The hate you encounter on here is frightening. It is not right.