How to raise a son to not be a mummy's boy

[Hopeful900]

I'm 36 week pregnant with a baby boy. I have daughters already.

I'm excited for this new baby but I have moments of dread (which I didn't have with my girls) because all the men I know are such mummy's boys and I find it really nauseating. I hope I can raise my son better but I'm not sure how to do this exactly.
My brothers, father, father in law all have (in my opinion) weird relationships to their mothers and I think my sister who is raising a son is also doing a bad job. By this I mean they all seem to expect their mothers to pamper them and make a fuss of them when their together and seem to lack awareness that this may not be very convenient or considerate to their mothers. Adult daughters don't do this to their mothers in my experience.

I would love recommendations on how to raise a boy to be a man that doesn't look to women/ their mother/ their wife for them to do everything/loads for them that they can really do themselves! Any advice or reading/podcasts much appreciated, I really don't want to mess this up.

What do you mean by mummies boy as I hate this. If you mean a son pandered to and made to think women should serve him then dad needs to model that this is not how relationships work. If you mean a son that has a healthy,loving and close relationship with their mum then you need to cultivate this and have them as equal with their sisters, show that emotion is ok, that being caring and supportive to all is wonderful. Help all your dc to be resilient, independent, empathetic and do not have unconscious bias when it comes to chores etc.

My husband had to stand on a stool to make his iwn sandwich when he was three. His mum had two brothers and a father who were useless, more so when the mother died ... hence she started off early with her son.

Just treat your son as you do your daughters, OP. Parent him as well as you parent them.

Sorry but I get where op is coming from. Some boy mums lose their minds. I have seen otherwise sensible feminist women behave very very differently with their sons. Wonder if it’s biological

I’m very close to Ds 32. He smart, independent, clever, domesticated and hardworking.

He’s still my boy. Does this make him a mummy’s boy? Hes very loving and kind. If it does l don’t really care.

Teach them to be independent, to cook for themselves and others. To think of other people and their needs and wants as well as their own. My son wandered off when he was around 6 years old.... turns out he was holding a shop door open for everyone 🤣

Hopefully your DH doesn't call you Mummy.
That would be a good start

Otherwise lovely emotionally intelligent wider family but very girl heavy. The reactions to there being grandsons is insane. Every minor thing that would ignored if a girl did it is treated with sighs of admiration. Pisses my dds off.

Why are some people so utterly weird about boys?

Thanks for your comprehensive responsive @Dressered that is so interesting.

Yeah, sure.

This

I mean both things!

Thank you all for your responses.

You sound like you've met similar mothers/ sons to me @TheaBrandt1 unfortunately.

I want to try to raise son's in an emotionally healthy way and your answers are very useful. I'm glad to hear some of you have sons that become independent empathetic kind and healthy adults. That's great. That's what I'm aiming for. Your advice is very helpful, thank you.

My Nan raised 7 sons, they were taught to cook and clean from an early age, she loved them but never pampered them, they had just as many house chores as her 3 DDs. My DF and uncles all did housework, some more than their wife’s, they never saw it as “woman’s work”. They could all sew mend clothes, do hairstyles on their own DDs and so on. But mostly ( remember this was a long time ago) she threatened to remove them from this planet if they ever laid a hand on a woman. My granddad was a violent man so they saw my Nan get beatings as well as being on the reviving end. She swore she’d never let her sons be like him.

As a mother of two competent, kind, fabulous young men, I find this heartbreaking. I just despair of people.

@Dressered - super interesting research

I have definitely observed a lot of favouring daughters over sons. Especially adult daughters who usually get more financial help, childcare etc

@KittytheHare and @XGiveMeStrengthX I think you've misunderstood what what I'm asking. I'm just trying to get information on how to best raise a son in a healthy way. I was worried there should be something I should be doing differently to raising daughters. So far the responses seem to be to be to parent exactly the same. I'm going to be careful of unconscious bias with chores etc. This is useful.

I have DT’s - b/g - now in their mid 20’s. They were brought up the same - both equally expected to help at home, do their share of cooking and laundry.
Wasn’t something I thought about - they both went to Uni able to look after themselves.

Sorry to read that you know only mummy's boys.

My only thought is to make sure your DS as he grows up can do all the normal things in life around the house that some men cannot do or opt out of. Washing, cleaning and cooking as examples.

Hope all goes well with the birth and your DS brings you a lot of happiness.

Thank you

We have sons. Definitely not mummy’s boys. Don’t even know how I’d have achieved that.

I think they’d have been raised pretty much the same had they been daughters.

Honestly I find this a really odd post, what kind of men have your surrounded yourself with?

I have teenage sons, they can cook, clean, look after our pets. They can go do a food shop and plan meals. The eldest manages his own schedule with college and a job, my 14 year old needs a little more structure but does about 90% of his time management at this point-massive improvement as he has adhd.

I guess the thing I always wanted was to ensure I didn’t send useless men out into the world, so nobody here has a jobs list, everyone keeps their own room clean and tidy, we all spend an hour or so on a Saturday doing communal areas, other than that, if they see something needs doing, they get on with it and don’t need to be asked.

It’s not an odd post at all

great that you have things sussed but the evidence is that on average we do out young boys a disservice and OP wants to correct that which should be lauded

There are some good articles and books around raising boys.

Since you seem to be focussing on boys not being mummy’s boys, there might be a danger in thinking “I better make sure he’s tough” which is common for some parents of boys so they’re not as affectionate or validating to them when they’re upset, thinking they should start learning to “man up”. This can lead to a more anxious relationship and generally less healthy coping.
What you need is a balance. Not overly emotional but not too cool either so they learn how to manage emotions.
This leads to better resilience.
This applies to girls as well of course, who generally get better emotional support due to people’s general attitude.

I don’t think you mean “mummy’s boy”. I think you mean a man who chooses to avoid looking after himself and expect women to fill the gap. Please don’t blame women for men’s deficiencies.