5 year old not saying thank you

[twixmassy]

We’ve done the rounds of family Christmas visits and unfortunately my 5 year old (year 1) didn’t say thank you for any of his gifts given by his relatives. We have always taught him to be polite, to say please and thank you, and we model it ourselves. At school he is apparently very polite to adults, and he’s generally a lovely boy, but this Christmas he didn’t say please or thank you at all.

I felt really shocked, and really disappointed at this, combined with embarrassment and also some judgement in the part of certain relatives. (Awkward family dynamics didn’t help).

We reminded him to say thank you but he didn’t. He then stubbornly refused because it started to become a battle of wills which I wanted to avoid. We since have spoken to him about the importance of politeness, gratitude and humility (in child speak obviously) but I’m not sure it’s sank in. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong.

I also found him playing roughly with a small toy I’d bought him and breaking it by accident. I said I felt sad as I bought the toy for him but he said no you didn’t, Santa did! So that’s another issue.

He definitely knew the relatives had bought the presents though, and not Santa, as they handed them to him themselves.

I am worried my son is going to become a brat. How do you teach a child to be grateful and polite and say thank you for gifts- assuming you’re already modelling that at home?

has anyone else experienced this with a 5 year old?

Errr, yes he's becoming a brat. He's says thank you or if he's not ready to he doesn't get the present at that point. To be honest, thank you is about social expectations - and the expectation is that he says it, not feels it. We all say it for presents we don't particularly like. So if he doesn't want to say thank you then no present to unwrap at that point.
Re playing roughly, you just say well it's broken and we can't spend money on a new one so that toy is gone now. You need to be gentle with your toys or you'll break special ones and won't have another one.

Keep it simple, doesn’t say thank you, doesn’t keep the toy.

Well I’m asking how we manage this differently. I’ve already pointed out what you’re saying. We do tell him to say thank you. They gave him presents and we then saw him not saying thank you.

If he refused to say thank you for the first one, I wouldn't have let him open any more until he did.

Was he just overwhelmed?

So as the parent you intervene. You're not a passenger.
"Joseph, what do you say?"
"I can see your finding it too hard to say thank you right now so I'm going to put this toy away until later and then you can try again".

You're welcome.

He is still very young, it would be different if we were talking about a 10 year old. Do you not think he could have been a little overwhelmed by it all? The travelling, all the visits, gifts etc? Kids get overwhelmed very easily at Christmas and it can affect thier behaviour.

It sounds like he is normally very polite at home and school so I think you are being a bit OTT saying he is brat based on this one occasion.

He might have been overwhelmed, yes. We had traveled a lot of hours across a few days and visited two homes with about 20 people.

But still, he stubbornly refused when prompted.

it was also awkward in front of other wider lesser known family members and I didn’t want to start a big confrontation or power struggle. He was the only child there and everyone would have been witnessing my parenting attempts. I know that’s my issue.

@Sillysoggyspanielyou don’t need to be so sarcastic - “you’re welcome”. This is a parenting forum where people ask advice when they are unsure how to parent over something. You make it sound like you never put a foot wrong.

Because you immediately got defensive and said that you'd done the suggested advice. When you hadn't. Your son hadn't said thank you when prompted and you'd done...nothing.

Based on this, very likely he was tired and overwhelmed. That is a lot of travelling for a kid and a lot of people, he probably just wanted to be at home and playing with his new toys....

I have a 6yr old and he has really good manners, he always says please & thank you at home, and his school teachers have commented on how polite and kind he is school. However, he is a shy child so I sometimes have to remind him to say thanks sometimes to people he isnt familiar with as he struggles with social communication. Could it be something like this with it being lesser known people?

Rightly or wrongly my dd is 3.5 and we are brutal and dont go in for "oh you should intrinsically be graaateful!"
Messaging pretty much verbatim is...

• Showing you care about people who care about you is important and treating them well is non negotiable.

• Being polite to people and manners in general is important it helps you get what you want in life.

if you dont show people you are thankful for things they give you or do... they maybe wont do nice things for you next time.

At home we say things like...

"If you want to get what you want it is important to ask nicely and be charming.
You may STILL not get it but you are more likely to."

When she demands things or asks horribly I say "No. You asked horribly. We will always love you but in the real world people dont like this and people who ask horribly dont get biscuits/ jelly / paw patrol"
Then she doesnt get whatever she demanded.

She didnt like it to start with 😄 but has now started thanking us for making her food, doing her hair or helping her with things unprompted. We are always effusive in response and also talk about her "great manners" within earshot (but we do it like we dont know shes listening)

I was actually delighted / surprised with her this holiday she showed a huge amount of gratitude unprompted and was generally lovely. We were delivering cards to neighbours and popped in a few houses... she gave them cards, thanked them for snacks and chatted. She told them their dress / tree /whatever was beautiful and When we left she said thank you and she'd had a lovely time and when could she come again!
she came home with armfuls of shite she'd been given....we needed a bag!!!! 3 new christmas decorations and a pair of reindeer ears and a snowglobe amongst other things 😵‍💫 my ghast was flabbered.

Caveat:
Now I'm a parent I do firmly believe 70%+ of your child's personality is just genes... your parenting just round the edges a bit at best...

So despite my amazing parenting tips I fully expect this system to not work with my youngest and he'll be a rude ungrateful little shithead 😅😅😅

Was this the first time this issue had raised its head? Or has it maybe been happening at home and you've turned a blind eye because it's easier?

At that age, my dd would have been struck dumb with shyness at being faced by a whole load of adults she barely knew yet was expected to talk to because they are 'family'.

I think he was just completely overwhelmed, especially if he was the only child there, and obviously the centre of attention because of it.

Do you send thank you letters?

I know they’re scoffed at on MN, but my DD has been making or writing thank you cards from tiny. It’s part of our traditional Christmas.

At your son’s age, you can ask him to do a drawing and on the reverse you simply write “ dear auntie Tina, thank you for the Lego set. Love from Bertie.’ Get him to remember what auntie Tina gave him and to write his own name. He doesn’t get to move from the table until he’s done 3 each day between Christmas and return to school. It’ll take 10 mins tops and will teach him to remember who gave what gift (you’ll need to help him, no doubt) and to spare a few mins per day thinking about the kindness others have shown him.

Maybe he’s not ready to perform in front of 20 people? It’s a bit much really! Them all waiting to hear him say 2 words. I’d get him to write a thank you note. Dc don’t always perform when you want them to. Yes, some adults will judge you but get him to do a drawing and write thank you on it. Damage limitation and parenting gold star.

Has he been taught not to talk to strangers?

He might be related to these people but he doesn't know most of them from Adam.

Take the presents off him until he learns some manners.

You are over thinking this. Its really not a big deal.

I have 4 children and at various times they have been very polite and charming- and also very rude and disrespectful!

Generally kids work out ok in the end if you teach them the right way to behave but understand they definitely wont always be perfect.

In that scenario i would just say thank you on the kids behalf so the kid hears the appropriate response even if he is not bothered this time to say it.

So then take the toy away. If it's a family member, give it back to them and say, 'He can't have it until he can say thank you, nicely.'

Slightly more difficult if not family, but family definitely should understand.

Just being disappointed isn't going to win that battle of wills. You're the boss, so take charge.

If it’s Christmas , a little 5 year old getting a gift, just let him enjoy it. No being the ‘boss’. Encourage thank yous but if he’s not willing then just say thanks on his behalf.

Somehow my eldest 2, now teenagers, understand to say thank you for a gift now despite often getting it wrong when they were little.

It isn't a lot to ask. It should be automatic unless possibly the child has some degree of ND.

I don't even ask. I just hold on to whatever is being handed over until it's said. It becomes reflex (in our case even with ND).

OP, your child is not going to be a brat because he didn’t say thank you. He does have manners (as evidenced by school), but it sounds like it was very overwhelming for him. Perhaps he felt little control having to see so many people in such a short amount of time - I think I’d struggle to speak after all that socialising.

I’d not put anymore pressure, or have any more talks about manners. He has found a way to feel in control of what he says (or doesn’t say). If you want to get into a power struggle, by all means, hold back the toy. I sometimes get into these battles with my son, it’s not effective. When I connect with him and get to the root of what’s really going on, then we can move forward and we both feel understood.

This. He is old enough and you are making poor for him.

He's a child he's learning !!
It can be overwhelming and he maybe shy or uncomfortable being trotted out to say thankful

Give him space and time to learn