5 year old not saying thank you

[twixmassy]

We’ve done the rounds of family Christmas visits and unfortunately my 5 year old (year 1) didn’t say thank you for any of his gifts given by his relatives. We have always taught him to be polite, to say please and thank you, and we model it ourselves. At school he is apparently very polite to adults, and he’s generally a lovely boy, but this Christmas he didn’t say please or thank you at all.

I felt really shocked, and really disappointed at this, combined with embarrassment and also some judgement in the part of certain relatives. (Awkward family dynamics didn’t help).

We reminded him to say thank you but he didn’t. He then stubbornly refused because it started to become a battle of wills which I wanted to avoid. We since have spoken to him about the importance of politeness, gratitude and humility (in child speak obviously) but I’m not sure it’s sank in. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong.

I also found him playing roughly with a small toy I’d bought him and breaking it by accident. I said I felt sad as I bought the toy for him but he said no you didn’t, Santa did! So that’s another issue.

He definitely knew the relatives had bought the presents though, and not Santa, as they handed them to him themselves.

I am worried my son is going to become a brat. How do you teach a child to be grateful and polite and say thank you for gifts- assuming you’re already modelling that at home?

has anyone else experienced this with a 5 year old?

A lot of over thinkers on this thread,
not least OP. Firstly it really isn’t the end of the world. Secondly if he doesn’t say thank you no one think twice or hold it against you and just think he’s a 5 yo. Just remind him of his manners and your expectations and move on with your life.

Totally agree.

That’s what I have always done with my two (each diagnosed ASD at 3, so not particularly mild cases). It works because it is consistent but not argumentative.

It’s not performing its basic bloody manners!!! Children as young as toddler age are more than capable of understanding and saying thank you for receiving presents!

A child who doesn’t say thank you must be ND?

Classic MN!

Life can generally be a easier for people who have good manners, so they don't annoy other people. So it's good not to encourage kids to get away with being entitled twats from an early age. 5 is old enough to show appreciation for something that is given to them.

I do this too. With everything not just presents e.g. in a restaurant I don’t hand over the apple juice until they say thank you to the waiter.

Didn’t say it isn’t. I just said its a minor point in the grand scheme of things and many of these replies are frankly fucking nuts.

Agree with pps that short term solution is to send thank you cards to the people who gave gifts -ideally something personal (e.g. thank you so much for the paw patrol book- we read it at bedtime last night) and get him to draw a picture or at least sign his name.

Long term - next time you're in a similar situation do one gift at a time to avoid being overwhelmed. Start with someone he knows well like your parents if shyness might be an issue. If he doesn't say thank you for that one then he doesn't get the others.

Remind him before you even enter the house "ds some people might give you presents so it's important you say thank you." (Also a good opportunity to reiterate what to do if he gets a present he doesn't like or already has).

Some of the advice like taking away his presents will just traumatise the poor child, not turn him into a polite child. You can show gratitude in a variety of ways, not just saying Thank You in an overwhelming social occasion.

I would write thank you notes with your son. Get him to give a reason why he liked each present. And in the lead up to the next big occasion (like his birthday) get him to practise.

I had a child with Selective/situational mutism and we had to be a lot more creative. I thanked everyone on her behalf for years until she could speak in those situations. She didn't grow up to be a brat.

If he’s not going to say thank you don’t let him have the gift. He’s to say thank you on receiving the wrapped gift if he won’t say thank you he doesn’t open it. Just quietly put it to one side and say we will open this in a minute once you said thank you to auntie Jess.
Buy some thank you cards and send to everyone he didn’t thank this time he needs to understand that they have gone to the effort of buying and wrapping his gift and thanking them is letting them know he appreciated the gifts talk about why we thank people, manners and basic decency. If he won’t participate in signing the card after talking about it remove the gifts for now.
Take into consideration his age and children being overestimated at Christmas and sometimes kids are just stubborn try not to actually force him but a few quiet conversations and writing cards may help him understand for next time.

@Nearly50omg Don’t be so dramatic! Children develop confidence at different ages. Basic “bloody manners “ (how horrible you sound! At 5 he is not the finished child in terms of good manners. He’s work in progress. If he was 15, it would be different and I have a DN who has never said thank you for anything! I also agree that good manners is an asset in life but in the circumstances, snd taking into account his age, he can certainly put this behind him and the op can use strategies to help him see the importance of thanking people. She’s invested in this, so will do it!

Toddlers don’t understand the concept of giving thanks. They repeat what they are told to say. In this case, he didn’t. Many young children do not associate two words with gratitude. They don’t understand gratitude. They do repeat what they are told to say in the same way they repeat singing rhymes.

Selective mutism is different, I'm sure if the child had that, the OP would have said.

Taking away the toy isn't traumatic. A quick "Oh X you're not ready to say thank you so you're not ready to play with the toy".

Say thank you. If you are not going to say thank you, you won't be able to have the gift. Okay, the gift is going away until you can be polite and say thank you.

Who wants a crying child though? At a party? That’s not pleasant either. He will
learn.

At five, children should automatically be saying please and thank you. If my child hadn’t thanked someone for giving her a present, I would have taken it off her until she had thanked them properly. Even at five, she wrote thank you letters for presents, although I don’t suppose most people would have been able to read them easily 😆😆

Hes FIVE. Year 1.

He is NOT a toddler

He should be saying thank you when he is handed a present if he doesn't, he doesn't open it, you just put it aside and say you can open it when you say thank you to uncle John. As for battle of wills before you went to the next visit you set out rules , you need to say thank you and if you don't you won't get the presents, you explain that people have taken time and effort to choose things he'll like and spent their hard earned money ask him how he would feel if he'd done something kind for someone and they were rude to him. It's really very simple.
It's a shame it isn't automatic behaviour at this age, but I'm surprised at the refusal with a reminder. That's just plain rude. My son is only one school year older and there's no way I would've stood for this last Christmas.

He didn’t say thank you so you carried on letting people give him presents ?

Performing? It's two words and being polite. Bet he was happy enough to perform opening his presents in front of 20 people!

Op didn’t say he opened the presents! Well not in her first post. He just didn’t say thank you. That’s a response that’s being said in front of 20 people and he didn’t know them. That’s a performance. If op is that worried, say to relatives that it’s no presents.

Not saying thankyou is rude! Surely at 5, it's automatically said? Hardly a performance.

OP here. What a lot of disagreement on this thread!
To clarify for those scolding me that they wouldn’t tolerate this…I am not tolerating it hence seeking support on this site. If I were tolerating it I’d just have moved on with no consideration. I’m well aware that politeness and manners help people go further in life and rub along with friends and colleagues far more easily, and hence I’m keen to teach my son this. I was surprised at his rudeness.

Children are all different however and context does matter. He sounds very different from the 4 year old little girl at nursery mentioned by the pp as having wonderful manners. Just because it’s been simple for you to simply reinforce “we say thank you” and your child did it, doesn’t mean that works either other children. Not all children are readily compliant at all times. I’m looking for strategies.

The family dynamic may have contributed as they are not close to us, and some he has only met once or twice. Others he’s met before but they are old-fashioned or strict about things like play and exploring, “children should be seen and not heard” etc. So that didn’t help and I was impacted by their judgements and fear of them all witnessing a meltdown or confrontation.

Oh I remember a few adults doing that to mine when they were tiny.... it was so awkward, they'd just look confused and say "....please?" Because they hadn't given them the thing yet, so it was like they were making them beg. Such a power trip. They said thank you to people who just handed them a gift like a normal person!

It's not about begging. And I'm not talking about asking. Say I'm handing over a drink. If the thank you doesn't happen, I just don't let go of the cup. DC realises and will then say 'Thank you.'

Frame it as begging if you want. I'd like a child with great manners. It will get them a long way in life. You do you with your own children though.