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Original poster

5 year old not saying thank you

125 replies

twixmassy · 29/12/2025 21:08

We’ve done the rounds of family Christmas visits and unfortunately my 5 year old (year 1) didn’t say thank you for any of his gifts given by his relatives. We have always taught him to be polite, to say please and thank you, and we model it ourselves. At school he is apparently very polite to adults, and he’s generally a lovely boy, but this Christmas he didn’t say please or thank you at all.

I felt really shocked, and really disappointed at this, combined with embarrassment and also some judgement in the part of certain relatives. (Awkward family dynamics didn’t help).

We reminded him to say thank you but he didn’t. He then stubbornly refused because it started to become a battle of wills which I wanted to avoid. We since have spoken to him about the importance of politeness, gratitude and humility (in child speak obviously) but I’m not sure it’s sank in. I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong.

I also found him playing roughly with a small toy I’d bought him and breaking it by accident. I said I felt sad as I bought the toy for him but he said no you didn’t, Santa did! So that’s another issue.

He definitely knew the relatives had bought the presents though, and not Santa, as they handed them to him themselves.

I am worried my son is going to become a brat. How do you teach a child to be grateful and polite and say thank you for gifts- assuming you’re already modelling that at home?

has anyone else experienced this with a 5 year old?

OP posts:
mamabeth · 30/12/2025 00:41

Sillysoggyspaniel · 29/12/2025 21:48

So as the parent you intervene. You're not a passenger.
"Joseph, what do you say?"
"I can see your finding it too hard to say thank you right now so I'm going to put this toy away until later and then you can try again".

You're welcome.

Show quote history

You are coming across as rude and unhelpful. At least OP is acknowledging that they need support

StarsTwinklingPomanders · 30/12/2025 00:42

@CookieCrumbles23 rare voice of reason and understanding.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/12/2025 00:47

Fucking hell this is just absolutely classic Mumsnet ridiculousness.

He's 5... getting tonnes of gifts and yes, it would be good if he said thank you but when it became a battle of wills it's clearly because he felt embarrassed/humiliated.

Usually, if my child gets a gift and forgets I say "and what do you say?" And then he says thank you.
It's not hard, it's not a big deal and it's certainly nothing to be "shocked" at. Christ.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Christmas Families
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/12/2025 00:48

Copperoliverbear · 29/12/2025 23:24

Take the presents off him until he learns some manners.

What the hell? You're ridiculous

OhDear111 · 30/12/2025 10:33

A child with a spark of contrary personality is not always going to do what he’s told immediately. Get him to do the thank you drawing for the relative. Children are not all performing automatons. He might well have said thank you in a one to one situation. Birthday parties will be hell for you op! Try and keep a balanced view and don’t take things away as advised. We did thank you cards with party gifts! No pressure for a performance on the day when dc are too excited. Choose your battles.

Copperoliverbear · 30/12/2025 10:44

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy I’m not ridiculous but you are rude, there are better ways to express you don’t agree with someone, I was actually joking as I don’t think this can be real.

Btowngirl · 30/12/2025 11:03

Sorry Op but he shouldn’t have been given them if he couldn’t say thank you. DD just turned 4 (nursery) and we remind her all the time about manners. Avoiding a potential battle is weak parenting imo. The fact he is polite at nursery suggests you could do with firmer boundaries & it’s good you’ve noticed it & are willing to nip it in the bud!

OhDear111 · 30/12/2025 11:05

@Copperoliverbear You came a cross as draconian and rude! Not much empathy for a 5 year old. Teaching and explaining is better.

DaisyChain505 · 30/12/2025 11:07

“We say thank you when someone gives us a present, if we don’t say thank you we don’t get presents.”

Carycach4 · 30/12/2025 11:12

When he refused ti say thank you, you should have taken away the gift until he issued a sincere thank you and explain to him about gratitude.

BadgernTheGarden · 30/12/2025 11:15

twixmassy · 29/12/2025 21:34

Well I’m asking how we manage this differently. I’ve already pointed out what you’re saying. We do tell him to say thank you. They gave him presents and we then saw him not saying thank you.

People have said if he doesn't say thank you he doesn't get to keep the present. Or get him to write thank you notes to everyone he didn't thank in person? Much harder than just saying thank you, so perhaps next time he will be nice. With the toy I would have said well Santa is sad too and he may put you on the naughty list next year.

OhDear111 · 30/12/2025 11:18

If a child is belligerent at the time, ask him to say it quietly to the person in a quiet place. Take the performance element out of it. Keep explaining what he should do but don’t make him have a tantrum about it. Find an alternative route. Taking a gift away is poor and two wrongs don’t make it right. Encourage the thank you in a quiet space.

Carycach4 · 30/12/2025 11:22

OhDear111 · 30/12/2025 10:33

A child with a spark of contrary personality is not always going to do what he’s told immediately. Get him to do the thank you drawing for the relative. Children are not all performing automatons. He might well have said thank you in a one to one situation. Birthday parties will be hell for you op! Try and keep a balanced view and don’t take things away as advised. We did thank you cards with party gifts! No pressure for a performance on the day when dc are too excited. Choose your battles.

Saying thank you is not 'performing'. I understand tgat sine kids find it difficult and embarrassing to speak to people they don't know that well. I would role play making eye contact, saying thank you and smiling until its automatic .People really like good manners and you are doing your child a service by making them likeable to others.

Twilightstarbright · 30/12/2025 11:25

DS is shy and easily overwhelmed in social situations. We record a video of him saying thank you aunty Tina for my train I have loved playing with it and thank you for having me at your house. It goes down well and he feels a lot less overwhelmed.

OhDear111 · 30/12/2025 11:30

@Carycach4 It is in front of 20 people he didn’t know! Context is everything. One to one, of course it’s not. In a room full of guests expecting to hear the “thank you” is performing. He might well have said thank you in a different situation but relatives tut tutted at his non performance and op feels bad. Boys are not always up for performing or coaching to perform. The op has coached him already and he knows to thank people but he refused to “perform”. You can take a horse to water etc!!! Op has to find another way where DS finds it natural and isn’t intimidated and backs out.

Hiptothisjive · 30/12/2025 11:32

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 29/12/2025 22:31

Rightly or wrongly my dd is 3.5 and we are brutal and dont go in for "oh you should intrinsically be graaateful!"
Messaging pretty much verbatim is...

  • Showing you care about people who care about you is important and treating them well is non negotiable.
  • Being polite to people and manners in general is important it helps you get what you want in life.

if you dont show people you are thankful for things they give you or do... they maybe wont do nice things for you next time.

At home we say things like...

"If you want to get what you want it is important to ask nicely and be charming.
You may STILL not get it but you are more likely to."

When she demands things or asks horribly I say "No. You asked horribly. We will always love you but in the real world people dont like this and people who ask horribly dont get biscuits/ jelly / paw patrol"
Then she doesnt get whatever she demanded.

She didnt like it to start with 😄 but has now started thanking us for making her food, doing her hair or helping her with things unprompted. We are always effusive in response and also talk about her "great manners" within earshot (but we do it like we dont know shes listening)

I was actually delighted / surprised with her this holiday she showed a huge amount of gratitude unprompted and was generally lovely. We were delivering cards to neighbours and popped in a few houses... she gave them cards, thanked them for snacks and chatted. She told them their dress / tree /whatever was beautiful and When we left she said thank you and she'd had a lovely time and when could she come again!
she came home with armfuls of shite she'd been given....we needed a bag!!!! 3 new christmas decorations and a pair of reindeer ears and a snowglobe amongst other things 😵‍💫 my ghast was flabbered.

Caveat:
Now I'm a parent I do firmly believe 70%+ of your child's personality is just genes... your parenting just round the edges a bit at best...

So despite my amazing parenting tips I fully expect this system to not work with my youngest and he'll be a rude ungrateful little shithead 😅😅😅

You had me until you asked a 3.5 year old to be charming. Polite - absolutely. Charming - manipulative.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 11:33

I'm afraid if my 5 year old child refused to say thank you for a Christmas or birthday gift, the gift would be removed

I'm not sure why you can't do this, OP?

Hiptothisjive · 30/12/2025 11:33

Carycach4 · 30/12/2025 11:22

Saying thank you is not 'performing'. I understand tgat sine kids find it difficult and embarrassing to speak to people they don't know that well. I would role play making eye contact, saying thank you and smiling until its automatic .People really like good manners and you are doing your child a service by making them likeable to others.

Show quote history

Agreed. Are we really at a point where asking our children to say thank you is performing. No wonder kids are so entitled these days.

Octavia64 · 30/12/2025 11:36

I would say thank you in their behalf and then we wrote thank you notes in January.

thank you notes are often easier than getting an overwhelmed child to speak.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 30/12/2025 11:39

Sillysoggyspaniel · 29/12/2025 21:48

So as the parent you intervene. You're not a passenger.
"Joseph, what do you say?"
"I can see your finding it too hard to say thank you right now so I'm going to put this toy away until later and then you can try again".

You're welcome.

Show quote history

This is a really objectionable and patronising way to talk to another parent who's asking for help.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 11:39

Hiptothisjive · 30/12/2025 11:33

Agreed. Are we really at a point where asking our children to say thank you is performing. No wonder kids are so entitled these days.

Show quote history

Exactly. Instinct should be :

Gift given
Thankyou said

There's no performance, no overwhelm.....its fucking instinctual

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 30/12/2025 11:43

With my kid, if she forgot I would touch her shoulder and say "THANK YOU, Granny" (or whatever), and she would copy me, and she got into the habit of saying it by herself. I didn't confiscate anything - when I have seen that happen it's often a bit stressful for the person giving the gift.

iPreferBooks · 30/12/2025 12:03

5 is still quite little, but I do remember my parents emphasising it every time at various scenarios at that age (and a reward chart).

Also help him write thank you cards?

Snowonground · 30/12/2025 12:07

Consequences OP. If you dont say please and thank you, you don't get nice things. If you dont say thank you for a present you don't get one next time. I do think a hard one-off lesson in this is far better than constantly nagging a child who will probably switch off and not listen to you.

The Santa present is trickier so I'd leave that one for now!

Hercisback1 · 30/12/2025 12:08

You take the toy away until they say thank you. Otherwise you'll end up with a brat.

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