Realised that it really is just us

[ForTheForseeable]

DH and two children. I can't complain, life is good and I know that.

But this year has made me realise it is just us. In laws moved 500 miles away. She's really not interested. DM passed away 18 months ago. DF is in care in his mid eighties.

I have siblings but we aren't close. DH's bio dad is an abusive alcoholic and we haven't spoken for four years. DH has half siblings but they are all with MIL and her husband.

I know social media is the work of the devil but it's plastered with big family meet ups and I've realised that this is it for us, this is how the Christmas period will be for many years.

Anyone else in the same boat?

Yes I think you're right with the passage of time comment. Memories of big christmasses with loads of nieces and nephews, and now it does feel very quiet and very monotonous. I'm really glad for people who have the christmasses they like and this is the first one that I've really felt saddened by the difference. It doesn't help that both kids are such high maintenance, our friends sent us a pic of them both asleep on their mum's sofa on boxing day while they played with the kids and it's just a stark reminder

Not trying to be woe is me, just surprised at how different this Christmas feels

Absolutely, the people I know who have to go to different houses or host people are wishing they could have a quiet one but feel they have to do these things. The grass is always greener

How many quiet Christmases have you had so far? When did the big ones stop? Were they mostly organised by your mum/parents and now that she’s gone they’ve stopped?

This is the second Christmas without mum. Usually we'd have visited their house over Christmas, sometimes coinciding with some of my siblings sometimes not, either way we'd have a board game or something.
We've seen our close friends for either Christmas day or boxing day for probably the past ten years so this is the first time we've not seen them either.

My sister has declined to meet up, which is fine. My brother's partner suggested a get together but he's the one who threatened to hit me so to be honest I'll be giving that a swerve even if it is arranged.

I've lots of siblings but they are all significantly older than me.

I thought that might be the case , but didn’t want to assume. The first one you were probably still grieving and getting your head around it all. This is the one where it really sunk in that this is it and the end of an era in a way. It makes your mum’s absence even more THERE.

Your options are to embrace it and make the best of it , try and recreate it in other ways (other family /friends ) in the future or just do something completely different, like going away on holiday.

I think I've also had the realisation that we aren't our close friends family and their family will always come first. I've known this of course but it's never hit like this year.

It’s hit hard and you will have all the feelings. That’s ok, allow yourself to feel them, grieve, be sad. Then rationalise them and sort them into what’s reasonable and what isn’t. What you’d like vs what you have and whether it’s actually good enough and realistic. Then try and think how you’d like it to be next year, not just Christmas, but other occasions too where these feelings might crop up.

Christmas is a bit funny in that it only seems acceptable to have really close family or friends for it.
No matter how many good friends and acquaintances you have the rest of the year.

I struggle with it a bit too.

But in my work, one young colleague was having Christmas with her parents. Just the 3 of them.

Another young colleague has lost both his parents and was having it with his grandmother.

That's reality, not social media.

I hope your colleagues managed a nice Christmas even though it was small

As I said, social media certainly doesn't help but we are the only people I know (out of many) that it was just us for Xmas

Ive been looking at cornish Christmas hotel breaks ..im still right in the thick of doing the Christmas thing but in s few years when its a bit more peaceful I think il be doing that. Maybe if possible plan something different for next year x

We are a very small family, just me, DH and one DC. We always enjoy Christmas, with presents, good food, games, films and walks. It beats the hell out of my childhood Christmases with my mentally ill, abusive parents. It was always a toss up which of the pair of them would first scream "now look you've ruined Christmas", as indeed they had.

Just wait though. I’m divorced with three kids but now they have partners and I have ten grandchildren - three of them actual adults now. We got together for a weekend before Christmas and there were seventeen of us so a huge family gathering. This might well be you in the future 😊😊

Im sorry to hear your childhood christmasses were like that. I'm glad you've found peace now. :-)

I can't quite believe that this is your response to that particular post. Plus it's like something a 10 year old would say.

Unfortunately what I posted when I felt a bit low invited some bizarre need for some people to compete and compare.

Im afraid that WE are the parents/in laws that moved. Caused a lot of upset from my younger sons wife, mother of 2 grandchildren and so far she hasnt made the journey and it's 188 mile. I can see her point with an autistic 11 year old but my son brought the children quite quickly after we moved so it is doable.
Our isolation is from friends and we are finding that hard. Its not easy making new friends in your 70s! But we are still able to travel so thats what we did. A huge round trip to see my sister in law, then son and family, then a step daughter and family. But we accepted when moving to Wales our future would mean Road Trips and hotel stays so thats life now

I'm single and parents are dead, so I spend Christmas Day with my sibling and their partner, but we don't eat until the evening. As a result I leave them alone during the daytime, so they have a bit of time to themselves, and go over in the evening. This year, as the weather was quite nice, I went on a walk in the countryside on Christmas Day morning. It was quite busy, and everyone I passed (apart from two male runners and one male walker) were in couples or family groups and all seemed to be having a lovely time. Not going to lie, I did feel a bit lonely...

I have a small-ish family (two cousins, one aunt on each side, one of the aunts is reclusive). My parents live close by and we see them every year, my (adult, married) brother is up and down with MH issues and alcohol, but of course we host him if he's around.
My advice would be to join in with your community as much as you can. Go to carol services, any Christmas day park run nearby etc (there were 1500 runners at my local park run on Christmas day). Invite friends for a board game later on? And don't look at social media. To some extent, it's just another day.

I don’t think it’s to compete and compare.

Just to show some perspection that what you see on social media etc isn’t the case for quite a large portion of the population these days. As can be seen from others Christmas dynamics posted honestly here, something you won’t see on social media posted, to get a clear view of what Christmas is in reality for many many others.

Ofcourse saying, what you have is better than others. Is not the kindest way to say it. As we all live our own personal hells and joys in life.

But I think those showing on here the honest truth of their not so fabulous family dynamic also (compared to what social media will lead our minds to believe - that we are living the less than what we hoped for Xmas setup or family setup to the majority) is not one to compare ourselves to. As it’s not reality.

Reality is, I’d say half of the population had a crap Christmas or disappointing one. And the message is, you’re not alone. Even if social media will lead us to believe we are.. when we see those big family get together posts and reels.

It's been just me and my mum since I was 13.

We have family but they're not close enough to even casually text with. They make it clear they're very busy with their own lives. Which is totally cool. They're lovely and we see them socially a couple times a year for a meal. But nothing deeper than that.

Everyone has their own little bubble. I'm grateful for mine no matter how small.

Yes, there's something about the fun of extended families and lots of cousins that many children nowadays will never experience (mine included).

We had so much fun at family events because there were so many of us and we ran riot, ignored by the adults who got progressively drunker.

My DC are the only children at family events, and are entertained by adults playing games with them or giving them presents, not older cousins trying to set fire to paper tucked into each other's back pockets (probably just as well 😂).

Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m really sorry to hear how tough you and others found it. I feel similar and have a small family (DH, DD and myself and our dogs). It makes sense to me why you feel the way you do, where we live it’s big gatherings and neighbours asking about ours. We live a couple of hours away from family and my sister who I’ve got a strained relationship had a big family gathering to which we weren’t invited, we would have loved to have been included and despite loving my little family unit very much it made me sad seeing the photo of my extended family on SM. I’ll need to delete SM over Christmas next year..

@ForTheForseeable - I understand where you're coming from. I'm an only child - one parent dead and the other in care. I have some extended family in another country and some here who don't seem particularly fussed about maintaining a relationship with me (I 'made effort' for years before realising it was one sided).

Similarly DH has a crappy relationship with his family - one sibling he doesn't talk to, and parents who he doesn't get on well with either.

So at Xmas it's just us, or us with lovely friends sometimes. This did used to get me down more when my kids were younger, but actually now they're teens and young adults I've come to appreciate our time 'just us' far more. You might also find this as your DC become more independent, particularly when they are off at uni and you inevitably see them less. I also find that a lot of our friends are increasingly dialling down 'big extended family' Christmases these days for a variety of reasons, and that makes it less painful.

I know you've had a lot of 'stop moaning' type replies and I don't mean to jump on that bandwagon - BUT I do think you need to count your blessings. You're not living in a war zone. You have lots of friends (don't think lots of people could count 60 people they'd invite round for a party!) You, your DH and your kids are healthy. I have a friend with terminal cancer who will leave her kids without a mum - this Christmas is likely to be her last.

Again, not meaning to make you feel bad by saying this - but I know that I sometimes feel how you do, and reminding myself of how lucky I am in many other ways does make me feel better. Hope that helps.

There is often a linchpin with these big family gatherings. My gran was it, she hosted then it was passed to me (my mum never lifts a finger) There was some manipulation in this too so not all good After she died last year I decided to stop hosting everyone when I realised that the last time I was hosted was by my gran when I was a child! We also have a small disinterested family but I am now embracing Christmas with the 4 of us: me, DH and 2 DC's! Its lovely and calm and quiet and no drama llama sagas! My DC love it too.