Realised that it really is just us

[ForTheForseeable]

DH and two children. I can't complain, life is good and I know that.

But this year has made me realise it is just us. In laws moved 500 miles away. She's really not interested. DM passed away 18 months ago. DF is in care in his mid eighties.

I have siblings but we aren't close. DH's bio dad is an abusive alcoholic and we haven't spoken for four years. DH has half siblings but they are all with MIL and her husband.

I know social media is the work of the devil but it's plastered with big family meet ups and I've realised that this is it for us, this is how the Christmas period will be for many years.

Anyone else in the same boat?

Yes I think it’s dangerous too at this time of year of you’re feeling a bit lonely. I just avoid it!

A partner and two kids sounds amazing, and having relatives further afield is great.

You've compared yourself to other people, but then you were rude to people who might have nobody at all and feel that you're lucky. It's not a race to the bottom, some people might just be surprised that a person in a rich family unit is complaining of feeling alone.

I feel for you OP. I was only thinking this morning how my family christmases when I was a kid was so much fun with family and friends meeting up for days on end vs what my own children experience. My family is either no longer with us, moved very far or not interested. DP and I often have to work over Christmas so would struggle to travel very far. I suppose they know no different in my case.

I'd ignore those social media - pretendy - families. Even here on MN, you get a truer slice of life, people bickering, presents forgotten or bad thoughts, family members being a pain in the arse etc!

Don't worry OP, you can still have a lovely time together? Try new traditions for yourselves, go out somewhere or whatever for a couple of hours.

There were 3 of us on Christmas day; me, DH and DC. I feel extremely lucky and grateful for my family.

I don't think I was rude?

It's ok to want something even when you have something else. It's ok to express those feelings. I miss being at my parents house with loads of people. Both of our children have ASD. They are amazing but I'm knackered. I won't lie that it would be lovely to have someone host for us. Someone to give the kids a present rather than everything come from us.

We have lots of friends, we had 60 people over for a party a couple of weeks ago. But without exception they all spent today or yesterday with their wider families.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences, I'm sorry for everyone missing people.

Yes. We had a nice day yesterday but am feeling a bit lonely today.

Sort of. We have two sons one has special needs. My sister has four kids. Their Christmas is loud and busy with people dropping in and lots of loud fun.

I’ve finally realised we will never have that and am learning to love our quieter Christmas.

DH is estranged from his siblings and that makes it quiet too. Our parents have died as well.

Definitely go next year

My Christmas setup - even down to the no kids - is identical to yours and I love it!

My mum and dad are dead as are my grandparents. On my dads side there are lots of aunts, uncles and cousins i haven’t seen in 20 years my mums side is the opposite so there are none. No siblings. Dh fell out with his parents 20 years ago (they told him to pick me or them as they didn’t like that i had been raised Catholic) the whole lots aunts and cousins etc all blacklisted him so it REALLY is just the 5 of us - they’ve not even met the kids (their choice we tried when we had our daughter but even though i don’t go to mass they didn’t like that she would be catholic by default and declined) best bit is about 5 years ago he saw a photo from someone who had been at a wedding on the grooms side - turned out it was his sisters wedding & her husband is from a family of alter boys! To this day i still don’t know how they could dislike me so much they cut off their son & grandkids.

All we have, besides DH, is his brother, and for me my sister who is in France! And a cousin and his family who hardly ever see. That's it.

This is us too - all parents now dead, no siblings, so it's just me, DH, DS16 and DD13. While it often feels a bit lonely, we can suit ourselves with what we do over the holiday period. And I'll admit to coming on here and reading threads of Christmas family nightmares, to offset the wistfulness about having no wider family of my own.

Not identical but not far off.
My dad is older, my mum passed away when I was a teen. Brother lives further away with family but will see them once over Xmas period.
MIL & family, SIL & family & other BIL all live in husbands hometown which is several hours from us.
My dad comes to us for xmas and we go to MILs on boxing day.

In a way I am sad that I don't have those big christmases you see online but also glad as what you see portrayed often isn't a true reflection of what's going on behind the scenes / camera and know if get overstimulated /pissed off with everyone at some stage.

I know plenty of people who would rather have the small "quiet" Christmas.

We have small quiet Christmas's by choice. I love it, it's proper relaxing. Your race to the bottom comparisons read like you think somehow you are near the bottom, as are others. That would never occur to me as that's not my reference framing for a nice Christmas. You need a reframe!

I read that OP had DH, 2 DC and loads of friends and thought it sounded amazing and enviable. I didn’t comment on my own situation after the ‘race to the bottom’ comment.

OP, it must be tough with the wider family dynamics, it doesn’t sound pleasant so it makes it harder that your big family ideal is ‘near yet so far’ I guess.

Thank you. I didn't mean any comment of mine to shut down any contribution or sharing of anyone else's situations just that as u say it's very easy to think people have a perfect life :-)

No, I don't at all. I'm aware I'm very lucky in lots of ways. But Christmas does bring up the reminder of big family get togethers which I used to have and do no longer. And that's particularly hard when you are surrounded by people that have that. I don't think that's a particularly controversial thing to say

Thank you. It is fucking hard sometimes, no matter how much you remind yourself that you can only do the best with what you've got, the constant bombardment with what/who you 'should' be spending Christmas doing/with does get to you.

"I know plenty of people who would rather have the small "quiet" Christmas."

That's fine when it's an option, and there are alternatives. When it's compulsory, it feels a bit less nice. Still, we work with what we've got.

Just me and my LO. No extended family whatsoever. zero. This time of year is an extremely lonely time of year sadly :/

Your two little ones are very lucky to have you, DH and a sibling. That is still a good amount of people to make joy. Don’t let the social media posts get to you.
And one day your children will maybe likely have children and then your family will grow even more 🤍

I feel terribly guilty for my daughter having no blood relatives but me 😞

You could get together with friends if you’d like a bigger Christmas gathering. It’s not just for families.

The sm thing is bs. I know too many people who have lost parents this year and I want to wipe all these ads with the huge family Christmasses off the face of the earth because so many people I know are numbly grieving at home

@ForTheForseeable- I can completely see this is hard when it’s not a choice to have a small Christmas, it’s all that’s on offer. Also can see it’s hard because you have family, but they don’t act like family. The realisation you’ve had that you have to act and think like someone who doesn’t have extended family, you have to raise your dcs like they have no extended family, because the extended family you’ve got are a bit shit - was going to be a tough one.

Bur you’ve had that realisation now. You will have to plan Christmas as if they don’t exist.

You're still better off than someone who has an abusive toxic family.