Realised that it really is just us

[ForTheForseeable]

DH and two children. I can't complain, life is good and I know that.

But this year has made me realise it is just us. In laws moved 500 miles away. She's really not interested. DM passed away 18 months ago. DF is in care in his mid eighties.

I have siblings but we aren't close. DH's bio dad is an abusive alcoholic and we haven't spoken for four years. DH has half siblings but they are all with MIL and her husband.

I know social media is the work of the devil but it's plastered with big family meet ups and I've realised that this is it for us, this is how the Christmas period will be for many years.

Anyone else in the same boat?

We have lots of people. Just none who want to see us or us see them to be honest. Last time I saw my brother he threatened to hit me. My sister lives hundreds of miles away.
We have relations just none we are close to.

Youve GOT to ditch social media at christmas babe

Stacey Solomon's instagram is super harmful 😄

I'm in NYC, just me and dd, and here she is making me feel bad for not having a big family in matching pyjamas!!! (Unintentionally obvs)

Its alright - life is what you make it ❤️

us.
I am estranged from abusive family still alive but very much not in touch.

I have learnt to ‘embrace it’ but it hard still

You're absolutely right. I only have FB but yes it is the embodiment of comparison is the thief of joy.

Happy Christmas to you xx

I used to have a huge family. People would just stop by at our house on Christmas without any invitation. We would often host people that didn’t have any family. Then my mother died and I don’t even hear from my immediate family. People don’t even text. My sister told me she wasn’t going to host me for Christmas. I went to my partner’s parent’s house and his dad screamed at me and then his sister and it was awkward AF. My partner then yelled at his dad.

Next year I don’t know what I will do. Maybe we will go away for Christmas so we don’t have a repeat of what happened this year. It was so shit. No wonder my partner has so many issues.

I always thought I would have family around me. It’s very empty getting older.

We can’t host because our place is too small. My parents had a big old house that people felt comfortable in.

I must admit I do sometimes miss the big extended family Christmases from my childhood, when my maternal Grandma would have 10 or 12 of us round her table. It’s just me,DH & DD17 nowadays. We used to visit DH’s family in The Midlands leading up to Christmas but that’s died out as all the kids got older, plus sadly DH is estranged from his DSis & Dniece (not sure how to write that!). My folks aren’t very well & DM can’t manage stairs so we took food over to them & their carer yesterday evening (we’d eaten lunch about 2.30).
I did think DD & her GF might be together but they’re doing New Year instead.

Last time I had a 'family' Christmas was 1980...I was 12.

My parents divorced when I was 21, I've been estranged from my father since then, and none of his extended family bothered with us from the moment he left. My mother alienated her family/extended family when I was 9 and would still throw an utter fit if I got in touch with any of them...even though her and my younger brother (the only family I have left) live on the other side of the world to me. I have no children (by choice).

Out of the last 25 Christmases I've spent 18 totally on my own. My partner usually has to work, and as he is a manager, if too many staff are off sick (highly likely at this time of year) he can be called in at the last minute. This year is the first we've spent together since 2019.

I used to love Christmas as a child but it's not my favourite time of year now...mainly because of the whole 'family family family' bullshit that the media forces down our throats. It's hard not to feel like a loser if you don't have any.

Similar story here, but it’s fine. We’re a unit. But I do have amazing friends - you can choose those, after all. The DDs are also making a good solid friendship group that have been together years despite moving away for Uni, work etc. All is good 😊

I'm really sorry to read that. It sounds incredibly hard.

My DH died over three years ago and I moved to be close to my daughter, (can't call her DD!), her partner and two year old DD. After three years of free childcare and dog sitting, I am no longer needed as my DGD is at school. After a couple of years where my daughter became steadily more difficult and unkind, she has now become estranged.

My DS, who lives not too far away, and I, decided not to spend Christmas on our own as we had been invited by my cousin and her family to spend Christmas with them in Norway. It's snowy, completely dark outside, but it has been brilliant spending time together with family that have been so welcoming and kind. We've already been invited for next year and I am very tempted as it's been great this year.

Neither my sister nor I had children and we're a long way from any other family. So it's just her, her husband and me at Christmas. We get on well. I love it, very quiet and relaxing, none of the dramas I read about here.

If I were you I'd take the opportunity to go off somewhere sunny for a few days each year.

Don't you have friends, OP? They are the people who stand by you..... I think of our friendships going back 40 or 50 years. We have been there for the little things, like babysitting, to the big stuff like support through widowhood, divorce and illness. When people hit tough times, friends are the ones who show up.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. The saying that you can choose your friends but not your family is very true- the way family members behave towards us can be incomprehensible sometimes.

Even though I’m not in your situation, I joined a social organisation a few months ago which is intended to promote friendships between local people and arranges many and varied meet ups at different places doing different activities. At one of the meet ups the conversation turned towards Christmas and several of the people there said that Christmas was a very lonely time for them either due to estrangement from family or bereavement, a few of them would have been completely on their own. Fortunately the organisation put on a Christmas Day meet up for anyone who wanted to attend, and hopefully people also made close friendships to spend more time with others and feel less alone. Sometimes it’s about chosen family rather than blood family. I wonder if there are similar social organisations in your area where you might meet nice people who also fave few family members and would be keen to expand their chosen family?

We are both only children . Both my parents are dead , dh has just his mother .
We've had her over to stay at Christmas before but this year she has somewhere else .
Yesterday we called her to see if she was having a nice time / and to wish her a Merry Christmas etc but she couldn't get off the phone quick enough .

I also have a daughter from a previous relationship ( grown up now ) She lives away , called her yesterday but no answer , tried messaging her and got a reply and I said I wouldn't phone her again as she was out but maybe she could call when she was next free . 36 hours and I'm still waiting and have sent a few messages which haven't been read .
Not much Christmas spirit coming our way .

Christmas is what you make it. You don’t need loads of people around you, you just need the people who matter the most. And if they don’t want to spend time with you then they don’t really mattter.

All my side of the family are thousands of miles away. I see them once a year, not for Christmas. I really missed them yesterday and miss them often

I'm not quite in the same boat as we have both sets of elderly parents alive and siblings we like but none of us live near each other and we are the only ones who ever bothered to pack up our stuff in the car and travel 200 miles to spend Christmas day with family. Since COVID, we haven't done it and realised we could actually enjoy Christmas just the four of us at home. My DC are young adults now but we had a perfect day yesterday with a loose agenda which meant everyone had input. We see it as a time to put down the phones and really be together enjoying the things we like to do.

I think what you're reacting to isn't so much the size of your family, as the fact you feel very aware of the people who could be family but who have rejected you/your DH, or who just aren't very nice people?

Of course that feels sad. And I'm sure missing your mum makes it so much worse.

If you possibly can, try to reframe it in your mind as 'this is our lovely family and we are enough' or 'thank god we don't have to go share our lovely family Christmas with an abusive family member'.

Your children will remember the way you framed Christmas. So if they get the sense that there 'should' be a huge extended family around and they were missing out, they'll feel that. OTOH if you and your DH lean into the 'ahhhh, isn't this lovely!' vibe, they will probably feel that they had lovely, special family Christmases.

The hardest thing is everyone assumes that everyone else has a house full, but then you realise so may don’t. I only realised late that our neighbours didn’t have anyone visiting and were at home yesterday quite late (they’ve clearly got guests today) - I would have invited them over for a drink in the afternoon but assumed they’d be seeing the family they normally see over Christmas, who have obviously turned up today instead.

Ive decided to make more plans next year over the Christmas break, we did Christmas light trail, ice staking and panto, but booked all early December and then panto in Jan- next year booking stuff for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day so there’s only one day at home just us. (Am assuming PIL will still be BIL focussed and my brother will again be jetting off somewhere hot - wis finances meant we could do that too)

You’re very lucky to have a family to spend Christmas with. Many people are alone on Christmas Day, and all year round.

I know what you mean OP. We always just had the 4 of us and my gran growing up but it was fab fun as my gran was such a fun person. Now there are more of us but my parents can’t really be bothered they came just as food was coming and then left. My kids and nieces and nephews I could tell were just bored as well. So we had a reasonable crowd but it was still quite quiet and just a fancy meal and presents really, and all done by about 7pm. No raucous games and laughter etc. I did try to start a game but the teenagers couldn’t be arsed.

I hear you. I cut off my mother due to her behaviour a few years back. My brother, in laws and BIL live miles away. We will only have 1 child due to various reasons. I worry about what will happen to our DC if something were to happen to us. I'm so grateful for what we have but we don't have any village, no one to babysit or rely on. I just hope our DC will be confident and make friends easily as he gets older.

We just enjoy Christmas as our little family, just the five of us. I am grateful for it as I see so much drama online about extended family and who is going to pay for what and who failed at gifts etc. I like it being just us five with no one else to worry about.

We are in a similar position apart from D’s brother and his family (who are v different from us but we see on high days and holy days because neither of us has any one else really!).
All parents are dead now (we are in our 50s/early 60s).
DCs are adults but still ‘around’ so that’s good.
i don’t have much extended family as many have passed away or live abroad.
DH has cousins but we only really see them at family events.

As a child it was the same for me. Just me and my parents (although my mum in particular had quite an extended family we rarely socialised for various reasons).

This is why I’ve always made a lot of time for my friends etc and make sure I keep in touch - sometimes it’s a bit of an effort but recently I’ve had some ill-health and everyone has been very supportive (coming over or messaging).

Choosing not to see family in Xmas day/having a ‘quiet one’ is not the same as not having that option.

Agree social media is the devil - but I bet the majority of us have an ‘average’ Xmas period, and those are the people who don’t post.