Jokey or rude?

[AwkwardatChristmas]

Awkward moment at our family Christmas. Eight at ours including adult children. We FaceTimed my elderly mum and my sister who were together for Christmas day. My husband’s brother said hello and immediately asked my mum, “Have you dyed your hair?”. She’s 88 but has never gone fully grey. It was a bit odd, especially as he’s not seen my mum in years, they certainly don’t have a jokey relationship. Anyway, after a pause my sister said, “That’s an inappropriate question.” which tbh made it more awkward. My husband said “He was trying to make a compliment” but my sister just repeated herself. I mumbled something about the lighting. The conversation moved on and the FaceTime ended soon after.

My husband is now saying that my sister was out of order. I’m not sure, can that be an OK thing to say to an elderly woman who you don’t have a close relationship with? My sister is a bit blunt sometimes. My mum looked like she didn’t know what to say, don’t think she was upset.

It’s weird all round, wrong thing to say but your sister made it worse. Hope it hasn’t led to a family fall out, I’m guessing he was a bit tipsy and didn’t know what to say to someone he barely knows.

Not worth making a big deal over it

What your sister said was fine, because it was an inappropriate question.

It was a bit of a brain fart on your BIL's part, but your sister shouldn't have drawn attention to it. Better to move the conversation hastily on.

Your sister made it way more awkward than it needed to be.

A simple ‘mhmm’ or ‘no’ is enough to show that the comment isn’t appreciated.

I don't think your sister did anything wrong.
Your BiL was extremely rude. Even if she had dyed her hair on what planet would it have been polite and appropriate to ask her?
Your poor Mum.

Your sister overreacted massively.

Sounds like BIL was making conversation. Offence wasn't intentionally given but taken by your sister.

Your sister was then rude to flag it rather than smooth it over and the move conversation on. Sounds like your sister can be quite confrontational and blunt. If there was an issue it should have been dealt with afterwards.

I mean it’s hardly an inappropriate question imo - the reply could have simply been “no” rather than making this unnecessarily awkward 😂

Tbf I don't think it can be classed as a "making conversation" comment, @LadyLolaRuben.

And no, he wasn't tipsy.

If he hadn't seen her in years he might have misremembered her as being grey - since most people of her age are - and stupidly blurted out the first thought that popped into his head. I can't speak for others, but I've blurted out thoughtless things like this occasionally, it's not uncommon and not crime of the century. It's best forgotten quickly, not called out or chewed over.

I don’t understand what he said wrong

Bit odd to include him in a Facetime with people he hardly knows in the first place.
I'm guessing he felt a bit 'put on the spot' and just blurted out what came into his head without thinking.

Your sister was rude to then draw attention to him saying something a bit awkward and making a fuss about it. She should have just moved the conversation along.

I tried to make my OP as balanced as possible, but I'm surprised by the number of posters who are so ready to excuse a man asking a rude question as just 'unintentionally blurting out a brain fart', and that everyone else should rush to smooth it over for him. He definitely didn't say, 'oops sorry, that was a bit misjudged' or similar. My mum hates being on camera so I think my sister was already a bit sensitive to that.

The BIL was on the FaceTime as my DH did a tour of the room giving everyone a chance to say hi, happy Christmas.

I am also wondering why your husband's brother who doesn't appear to even know your mum was on this facetime chat. And what he said was a bit odd, but not awful. And your sister didn't need to say anything. She could have just said no - or your mum could.

Sounds like you want everyone to agree with you, so I'm not sure why you posted @AwkwardatChristmas

I am also wondering why your husband's brother who doesn't appear to even know your mum was on this facetime chat.

I've answered that, perhaps we cross-poster, @zov. But why is that important? Family you don't know well but have met are thrown together at Christmas all the time.

Bloody ridiculous. Did you colour your hair? Which he then would have commented that is looks nice. How the hell is that rude?

Maybe so. But they don't all pile onto the facetime chat to mum/gran.

I facetimed my cousin in Canada today for 10 minutes (whilst our 2 adult DC were here,) after our food, while they were playing a board game with their partners and my DH.) I didn't drag their partners onto the chat with my cousin!

It is downright rude to ask someone whether they have dyed their hair. It's the same as as saying 'Ooh, have you put on weight?'. The person on the receiving end of that is going to be deeply offended.

No it is not! Don’t be so silly!

Have you coloured your hair?
Yes/No
Ohh it looks really nice.

How the hell is that the same as calling someone fat?

Whether it’s offensive or not depends on whether they’re insecure or touchy about greying.

It could be like asking if someone’s wearing a wig. Like you noticed something they didn’t want you to.

I can see both sides, but it really isn’t worth people falling out over! It’s only hair, and dying it doesn’t even mean it looks bad/fake.

I think it was a rude question from your BIL and your husband is being unreasonable.

There's nothing to be gained from arguing about it now though.

Most people would introduce it in a ‘softer’ way - ‘have you changed your hair, it looks lovely!’ but I don’t think ‘have you dyed your hair?’ is in the same league as ‘have you put on weight?’ at all.

But I have been having mine coloured since I was 15, to be fair, so I suppose it’s my default!

I have never before now heard anyone say it was rude to ask if someone dyed their hair. Bewildered here!