Jokey or rude?

[AwkwardatChristmas]

Awkward moment at our family Christmas. Eight at ours including adult children. We FaceTimed my elderly mum and my sister who were together for Christmas day. My husband’s brother said hello and immediately asked my mum, “Have you dyed your hair?”. She’s 88 but has never gone fully grey. It was a bit odd, especially as he’s not seen my mum in years, they certainly don’t have a jokey relationship. Anyway, after a pause my sister said, “That’s an inappropriate question.” which tbh made it more awkward. My husband said “He was trying to make a compliment” but my sister just repeated herself. I mumbled something about the lighting. The conversation moved on and the FaceTime ended soon after.

My husband is now saying that my sister was out of order. I’m not sure, can that be an OK thing to say to an elderly woman who you don’t have a close relationship with? My sister is a bit blunt sometimes. My mum looked like she didn’t know what to say, don’t think she was upset.

I would say he absolutely was rude and annoying, but it's the type of rude that it's best to just hurry past. Nothing to do with misogyny because anyone can be the type of person to make these comments. The issue with addressing them is that it does nothing but escalate conflict. Yes the rude person started it, but in a mild way that is best ignored. Everyone knows they're a bit insensitive/oblivious and it can't just be fixed, and eveyone has them in a particular box as a result. The person calling it out is different (in these mild situations, not applicable for a more extreme example of rude where someone does need standing up to) as they are willfully upsetting the atmosphere that could have ticked along manageably otherwise. They are not an insensitive/oblivious person so they made a more active choice - it's like they want to make a point and will sacrifice what's left of the peace to do it. The exception would be if it was a more jokey way of diffusing things as that doesn't escalate (but can still call the rude out).

Brevity is one thing, but leaving out vital pieces of info that change context is another. And the OP left 3 or 4 other posts in reply before finally providing the extra bit. This usually seems to happen when things aren’t going as OP expected. There’s a good reason why posters complain about drip feeds.

Anyway, I’m getting far too involved with this for my own good🤣🤣

Is it possible, if he rarely sees her, that he just forgot what colour her hair is? So he was expecting to see a brunette but when he saw a blonde (or whatever) he got confused and without thinking asked if she'd dyed her hair.

I know you say he has form for banter, but I can't think how he could possibly have found it an amusing thing to say.

But then, people are strange, so maybe he did find it amusing. Who knows?

Anyway, I’m getting far too involved with this for my own good🤣🤣

You really are, aren't you, @Funnywonder? Presumably hit a nerve.

Thanks for such a clear explanation, @ThreeSixtyTwo. Some posters seem to think the OP is a legal deposition rather than someone chewing over a minor issue on a chat forum.

Her hair is brown with a little grey, as it always has been.

When I say 'shit banter', I don't mean it's remotely amusing, more like little digs under the guise of humour.