Do you expect your adult child to...

[TiredAndBurntOut]

Do the full shop for the house if they are already paying board? For context it's £500 a month board.

What an easy life he has.

Hell no 😱

All, no, half of all household expenses absolutely yes.

It's a tricky one. On one hand, you want them to learn the value of money and stand on their own two feet financially but on the other, you still see them as your child and want to look after them.
I was talking to a woman recently who has only one child, a daughter who is a qualified solicitor. Her daughter lives with her and they are not short on money. Anyway, she was saying that she wanted dd to pay a certain amount for room and board. Her dd, who is in the know, due to her qualifications, said that she'd be happy to pay them but that it would ultimately just being paying the taxman twice as she would be paying them taxed money which would go into their account and then on their deaths, she would inherit it all back and be taxed again on it. I mean, financially, it makes sense and makes you think.

I'd buy cleaning stuff for the house and my own food and then sometimes cook enough to share.

Take turns to buy milk, sugar, cat food etc.

Then they can buy their own food (which they also sometimes share) and toiletries also but don't need to bother about bleach and bog rolls etc.

Are you being serious?

Agree.Sounds like youre both finding this really tough. I have 2 adult Ds back at home ,they both contribute but nowhere near as much as you do. I dont know where you are (Im in the Uk ,south) ,but if i was charging mine both that amount ,they could afford to rent on their own.At the moment theyre saving to move out ,so i like to help by charging them a nominal amount to stay here.They help me by doing shopping ,theyll buy the odd things now and again ,but i don1t expect them to pay a full shop.Its give and take for us ,and it works.x
I do hope you get this sorted out so both of you are happy.xx

I think you should look and see what your costs would be if you tried a house share/spare room etc.

Then knowing that you would have somewhere to go to if it all goes tits up - ask to have a review with your mother about exactly what she wants (as opposed to needs) you to pay - but get an agreement in writing and a time for any changes eg review once a year/6 months.

It may be that she thinks you have no options but to live with her if you are saving up. If she knows you could leave and find equivalent accommodation then she would have to deal with you with more transparency. It might also shift the power balance in your favour.

My daughter is planning on moving in with me next year. I know how badly things like this can go - Im intending on having a written down ‘contract’ as if we were strangers about to share.

That way, I feel that there will be no misunderstandings and it will stop one of us feeling taken advantage off.

Even though we have a very good relationship and love each other very much - I want this to continue and not get damaged when we start sharing and finances are involved.

Assuming a weekly food bill of £100 which is probably a little high for two people OP is currently paying £900 a month for what is essentially rent with all bills included and food. Even in my North East town you would be hard pushed to rent somewhere, pay all bills and feed yourself for that. Maybe a house share but not rent somewhere by themselves.

I just can’t see how it’s really beneficial for people in their late 20s to be basically clueless about how much life actually costs. 27 is not that young. In many parts of the country you only need 20k for a house deposit ( especially when young as you can get a long term).
Or you rent ( like every single person I know did) and share with people and are motivated to earn more.
Im not saying I wouldn’t let my kids live here longer than 18 but theres a spreadsheet with every outgoing on it, and if they are working full time they have choice- pay a fair proportion according to salary ( this includes the max amount going into a LISA) or strike out on their own. Im hoping they will weigh it up and want to experience independent living.

Depends what you mean by "adult". A teen or early 20s just starting out living in a affluent working home, no. A working 30-something living with pensioner parents and only paying £500/m for rent and bills, then it seems pretty reasonable.

In any case, it depends on what the agreement was, and the adult child can always move out if they don't like it.

There has never been a real agreement in place just “can you pay X amount”. I’ve never been told the cost of each bill even when I’ve asked in previous years. I’ve been paying board since I was 19 and even then my mom has never disclosed anything when asked so I’ve just gone along with it to keep the peace. As I said before, when our relationship wasn’t good, she’d up the amount she wanted from me every time we had an argument, so I feel quite “protective” of my money (at one point back when I was in uni working part time, she told me I needed to give her almost my entire months wage or go and live with my dad because of some argument). I just wanted to know what you all thought seemed right because of previous events.

Your mum sounds really unreasonable and manipulative. We paid board to our mum but was not much at all.

You should look into house or flat shares. You will be better once you are away from her.

I would really be looking into house shares or a studio flat @TiredAndBurntOut

I have 3 around your age at home pay no rent never have. I would rather them use their money to save.

I think you probably just need to move out. This arrangement isn't working for either of you by the sound of it.

Do you have any savings? If this has been going on for eight years it doesn't sound as though you're getting anywhere with saving to buy and might as well cut your losses and rent a studio or a room in a house share where you won't be having regular arguments with your landlord which result in rent increases.

27 is too old to still be living with parents if you don't get on with them (fine in families where it's a temporary moving back due to a crisis or where everyone enjoys the arrangement and it's mutually beneficial.

I genuinely don’t understand why you wouldn’t just move into a flat share. Why are you living like this?

That’s amazing you can do that. Unfortunately I couldn’t afford to ‘keep’ my adult working children without a contribution from them. Ds1 still managed to save and bought a very nice 4bed detached house at 25. DD (20) earns more than I do so of course she has to pay her share. They both feel a sense of pride that they pay their own way but as I said upthread I was transparent with them about all the outgoings so they could see exact costs of keeping the house running.

When I started working in the early 80’s my take home pay was £60 pw and I paid £10 pw for bed and board to m&d, if any of my children returned I’d ask them to pay whatever the increase in my bills were; so the extra CT, utilities and food and a little on top, my mortgage and personal costs would continue to be my responsibility, so I’d guess contribution be bout £350pm.

If they are paying for’board’, does that not include food then? Unless your DC is a very high earner or you are trying to encourage them to move out, I think £500 per month plus expecting them to do a food shop is a bit much. More than a bit much actually .

I think your mother isn't a very loving mum to be honest.
Most .ums don't expect their grown up kids to pay as .uch as a lodger. They try to help them get on the property ladder.
I don't think you should buy all the food. No way. But could you buy and cook a meal a. Couple of times a week?

She's 27 - she should be doing 50% of cooking and housework, not cooking once a week like a teenager!

However in the OP's case the entire arrangement is very ad hoc and spite driven by the sound of it and not doing either party any good - they clearly don't like each other much atm and would hopefully have a better relationship living apart.

A 27 year old working full time is a fully fledged adult well past the latest age at which the prefrontal cortex is still developing etc - she should have an equal relationship with her mother with the right to full oversight of all accommodation costs and corresponding equal responsibility. In fact as her mother rents she should ideally be on the rental contract. As this apparently isn't likely, she should move out!

I think most answers are ignoring that the OP is 27, working full time, no disclosed health or learning issues and has never left home, and doesn't get on with her mother. The answers are appropriate to a much younger adult or one returning briefly to the parental home as a port in a storm...

Yeah I agree. With regards to the rental contract/tenancy, I posted about this before (name changed since) and I basically got a bunch of posters saying "well why should your name be on that, it's not your home"

Why are you ignoring the many many posts saying that you’ve told should move into a flat or houseshare? Do you enjoy this codependent nightmare?

Just because I haven't answered them doesn't mean it's ignored. I can't afford it right this second as I've had some expenses to cover so really what can I do right now