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Do you expect your adult child to...

107 replies

TiredAndBurntOut · 18/12/2025 19:29

Do the full shop for the house if they are already paying board? For context it's £500 a month board.

OP posts:
HaveYouFedTheFish · 19/12/2025 22:53

My older two are adults (younger than @TiredAndBurntOutthough). We've always told them that we'll take no board until they finish their first post 18 education, whatever that is, but will expect the equivalent of child benefit from them after that, or if they choose to drop out in which case they need to work obviously (unless there's a health issue in which case everything is different). We also set 25 at the age from which they're full blown adults and we'd expect to be splitting all costs by the number of people in the house and everyone over 25 paying their share, with us parents covering under 25s.

For us that all makes sense and some of it has backstory which makes it make sense to our family, and of course there would in reality be exceptions possible...

However for a 27 year old without disabling health issues or other extenuating circumstances I'd expect all housing bills to be split equally, and the younger adult to have equal oversight of the costs - to know exactly what running the house costs, what needs paying when and how much it usually is, which energy suppliers we use etc. and to be involved in decisions such as deciding to change supplier, invest in something - better insulation, a new boiler, and have an adult and reasonable discussion about whether it's appropriate to pay a share.

Running a home long term involves a steing of bills but also long term savings for one off costs - if you own you should be putting money into a home maintenance "pot" each month for big repairs not covered by home insurance (roof, boiler, plumbing but also repainting externally and internally every 5 years or so - and things like ovens and fridges and washing machines tend to need replacing every ten years or so, at some point, maybe every 15 years, carpets if you have them need replacing - at 27 you've been using all the facilities of your parent's house for nine years as an adult so there's the question of when you consider those your expenses too - I'd say set a timeline for moving out or start paying 50/50 if you're staying). Bills aren't limited to rent/ mortgage, heating, light/ electricity and streaming services, there's also home and contents insurance, council tax, water etc etc.

27 is very different to 18 or 21 - it's time for an adult conversation as equals and taking equal responsibility (in return for parental transparency and clarity about costs and treating you as an equal going forward) OR alternatively you have the adult conversation about your maximum twelve month timeline to move out and request another twelve months of financial support to allow you to save hard, and agree between you what that means in terms of limiting your financial input into your current household.

My kids will always be welcome but I don't think treating them like 20 year olds indefinitely would do them any favours - if they're still at home at 27 we'll be splitting everything, but they'll have full understanding of the household finances (assuming they're not living with us due to a health or personal acute crisis).

Good luck!

MadinMarch · 19/12/2025 23:03

Seawolves · 18/12/2025 19:30

No but they did used to pick up a few bits between weekly shops if I needed stuff, they would always refuse payment for it.

This!

HK04 · 19/12/2025 23:10

No. 27 is still young in my view. Life these days is mega expensive, not an easy time to be young etc so contribute of course but unless your Mum struggling or a low earner £500 if it covers the basics should be enough. That said, if she has little herself harsh reality is you may need to split bills more evenly.

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 23:19

It depends what was agreed and what is affordable. Unfortunately as a single parent I wasn’t able to subsidise my 2 adult children. They knew my situation as I was very honest with them. We sat down together, added up all the bills (including food shop) and divided it by the number of people in the house. They paid their share. They requested things in shopping which I was obviously happy to get and if we needed milk/bread etc they would pick up on the way home from work but didn’t expect payment for it. They were still getting a great deal by living with me and were able to save to buy a house/travel plus they were earning more than me! These conversations are hard but you must have them to avoid resentment building up.

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 23:22

TiredAndBurntOut · 18/12/2025 20:52

Honestly I have no idea. The only thing she's told me is that outgoings (not including her personal) are around £1200. We don't live in an expensive area

If outgoings are £1200 (including everything) and there are just the 2 of you I would be expecting you to be paying half (assuming your mum can’t afford to subsidise you at 27) and even then you are still getting a good deal!

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 23:26

HK04 · 19/12/2025 23:10

No. 27 is still young in my view. Life these days is mega expensive, not an easy time to be young etc so contribute of course but unless your Mum struggling or a low earner £500 if it covers the basics should be enough. That said, if she has little herself harsh reality is you may need to split bills more evenly.

It really is. We calculated that my daughter (20) will need to live me until approx 30 so she can save a decent deposit and get a mortgage. I really wish to god I didn’t have to ask for rent but unfortunately I do. My oldest is 26 and just bought his first house but was ‘lucky’ that he came into a large inheritance at 18 due to his dad dying plus he bought with his girlfriend who was gifted £20k by her parents.
My dd and younger dc won’t have that so I expect them to be living with me until approx 30 because I live in rental and I really want them to be able to buy. Sadly they will all have to pay rent when the time comes but I keep it as low as I can.

RosesAndHellebores · 19/12/2025 23:34

OK @TiredAndBurntOut our dd is 27 and a teacher. We live in zone 6 and she earns about £40k plus another £10k for tutoring and related stuff. She spends about 4 nights here and 3 at her boyfriends.

She contributes £150 and sorts out her own food on the whole. A shared house near here would be about £850/900 and she'd have bills and food on top of that.

If we needed the money, I think half the market rent would be appropriate and to pay for her own food - anything from £40-£100pw depending on taste and preference.

caringcarer · 19/12/2025 23:36

No my adult DC paid an agreed amount for board that included their room, all good, toiletries from supermarket. I did expect them to cook once a week for family and do a few chores eg put bins out, carry shopping in from car boot and put away in cupboards and occasionally empty dishwasher or load it up. Plus keep their own room tidy and change own bedding. My adult ds's both paid £350 pcm. That covered everything including ridiculously fast internet for their gaming, Sky Movies, Sky Sport, TNT, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus TV and all in their room too. Plus as part of our package we got all you can use phone data contract we let him use as we only used a little bit so really wasted on us. Both adults DS's saved for their deposits and both have their own homes now with mortgages. We gave them both help with deposits too.

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 23:42

HaveYouFedTheFish · 19/12/2025 22:53

My older two are adults (younger than @TiredAndBurntOutthough). We've always told them that we'll take no board until they finish their first post 18 education, whatever that is, but will expect the equivalent of child benefit from them after that, or if they choose to drop out in which case they need to work obviously (unless there's a health issue in which case everything is different). We also set 25 at the age from which they're full blown adults and we'd expect to be splitting all costs by the number of people in the house and everyone over 25 paying their share, with us parents covering under 25s.

For us that all makes sense and some of it has backstory which makes it make sense to our family, and of course there would in reality be exceptions possible...

However for a 27 year old without disabling health issues or other extenuating circumstances I'd expect all housing bills to be split equally, and the younger adult to have equal oversight of the costs - to know exactly what running the house costs, what needs paying when and how much it usually is, which energy suppliers we use etc. and to be involved in decisions such as deciding to change supplier, invest in something - better insulation, a new boiler, and have an adult and reasonable discussion about whether it's appropriate to pay a share.

Running a home long term involves a steing of bills but also long term savings for one off costs - if you own you should be putting money into a home maintenance "pot" each month for big repairs not covered by home insurance (roof, boiler, plumbing but also repainting externally and internally every 5 years or so - and things like ovens and fridges and washing machines tend to need replacing every ten years or so, at some point, maybe every 15 years, carpets if you have them need replacing - at 27 you've been using all the facilities of your parent's house for nine years as an adult so there's the question of when you consider those your expenses too - I'd say set a timeline for moving out or start paying 50/50 if you're staying). Bills aren't limited to rent/ mortgage, heating, light/ electricity and streaming services, there's also home and contents insurance, council tax, water etc etc.

27 is very different to 18 or 21 - it's time for an adult conversation as equals and taking equal responsibility (in return for parental transparency and clarity about costs and treating you as an equal going forward) OR alternatively you have the adult conversation about your maximum twelve month timeline to move out and request another twelve months of financial support to allow you to save hard, and agree between you what that means in terms of limiting your financial input into your current household.

My kids will always be welcome but I don't think treating them like 20 year olds indefinitely would do them any favours - if they're still at home at 27 we'll be splitting everything, but they'll have full understanding of the household finances (assuming they're not living with us due to a health or personal acute crisis).

Good luck!

Very well said. So many parents don’t educate their dc on the cost of living - my dc know my incomings and outgoings. Just the other evening was discussing with my ds15 about how mortgages work, interest rates etc. I only wish my dad had done the same with me. I genuinely had no clue when I moved out and made stupid decisions that affected me for years. Best thing we can do is teach our dc about finances, be realistic and don’t hide anything from them.

Bologneselove · 19/12/2025 23:47

Icequeen01 · 19/12/2025 22:31

I have a 26 year old DS at home. He gives us £300 a month and that covers everything. I wouldn’t dream of making him pay more.

I’m in the exact position. My son earns much more than I do but I’m happy that he’s saving up for future independent living.

TheCurious0range · 19/12/2025 23:49

I used to buy with my dad's bank card! I did a lot of the cooking so it was easier if he didn't feel like coming with. I did pay keep but not £500 a month (it was a while ago)

TheCurious0range · 19/12/2025 23:52

So you're paying £500 a month plus all food for both of you, so probably not far short of £1000 a month total and she's said her full outgoings would be £1200 , she's not subbing you, you're paying for her!

HeddaGarbled · 20/12/2025 00:03

I suppose if you think of the £500 as being rent and utilities (and energy costs are frightening at the moment), that’s quite a lot less than you’d pay if you weren’t living with your mum, so it’s not outrageous to do a food shop for 2 people on top of that.

But if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. You have to be brave: sit down with her, be open and honest about your financial situation, your plans to move out when you’ve saved enough, and try and come to a compromise.

Yung93 · 20/12/2025 00:04

How much is the rent if you don’t mind me asking? As for Council Tax reduction, I wouldn’t include that or offer to pay that unless your name is actually on the bill because in my opinion if it’s not, she’s gaining profit of you for that bill alone. Does she receive any housing benefit/element and/or UC top up? If she is, you probably ain’t down for living there to begin with therefore she shouldn’t be taking anything off you.

Littletreefrog · 20/12/2025 04:55

Oldwmn · 19/12/2025 21:44

😮 You must have a few bob!

He is 18, I figure if he hadn't got an apprenticeship he would still be in full time education and only have a Saturday/evening job so I would still be supporting him. This way I get a bit of money towards food and he gets to save while he can.

springintoaction2 · 20/12/2025 05:31

JayJayj · 19/12/2025 18:20

In your situation I think I would ask to see each bill. Rent/gas/electric/water/council tax. And pay half of everything. Then you can either buy your own food or agree to go halves on each shop.

This

@TiredAndBurntOut I'm sorry but either your mum earns very little being self employed or she isn't a generous kind person.

No doubt I'm too soft but charge adult kids £100 per month when they're working. However we have paid off our mortgage.

ElizaJ74 · 20/12/2025 05:46

Mine pays half the utilities and the price of 1 good shop, so currently £400

firstofallimadelight · 20/12/2025 05:51

My dd pays £200 and that includes food. She pays her own phone bill, toiletries petrol, car insurance etc

EleanorReally · 20/12/2025 06:06

if you werent there how would she manage?
what are you trying to save for?

SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2025 06:11

I’m astonished by some posters declaring that DM IBU without knowing more about the situation.

Does DM rent or own? If own, what’s the monthly mortgage (quite possibly increased recently if she got to the end of a fixed interest deal)? What area of the country ie what might she get if OP moved out and she took a lodger or downsized? What does DM earn vs OP? What’s the weekly food bill like? Etc

TiredAndBurntOut · 20/12/2025 06:32

babasaclover · 19/12/2025 19:24

@TiredAndBurntOutWhat is your annual salary?

as you are 27 food should be 50/50 I think. You are nowhere near a child.

also how have you run up an overdraft when you live for £500 rent?!? I signed up for 35 year mortgage aged 23 and the interest was a bitch but worth it. 100% mortgage

Edited

My overdraft is interest free so I used it to pay for my car insurance in one annual payment

OP posts:
TiredAndBurntOut · 20/12/2025 06:34

Yung93 · 20/12/2025 00:04

How much is the rent if you don’t mind me asking? As for Council Tax reduction, I wouldn’t include that or offer to pay that unless your name is actually on the bill because in my opinion if it’s not, she’s gaining profit of you for that bill alone. Does she receive any housing benefit/element and/or UC top up? If she is, you probably ain’t down for living there to begin with therefore she shouldn’t be taking anything off you.

I think the rent is £470-500. I know my mom is entitled to some benefits and I've told her before to start a claim but she won't

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 20/12/2025 07:17

TiredAndBurntOut · 20/12/2025 06:34

I think the rent is £470-500. I know my mom is entitled to some benefits and I've told her before to start a claim but she won't

Does your mum rent?

Blades2 · 20/12/2025 10:00

Find a house share.

Oldwmn · 20/12/2025 10:01

TiredAndBurntOut · 20/12/2025 06:34

I think the rent is £470-500. I know my mom is entitled to some benefits and I've told her before to start a claim but she won't

I've read all your posts now. I know that everyone's circumstances are different but, ideally, you should both know exactly what the outgoings are & cough up 50/50 accordingly. This is what my adult children did during periods when they lived at home. I think it's wrong to ask for money from your kids without explaining what it's for. 50/50 isn't always possible or reasonable, of course, but laying all your cards on the table to start with really will help. It sounds as if your DM isn't being clear about why she needs you to do this - find out exactly what the outgoings are (including food shop) & go from there. If that doesn't work, I'm afraid looking for your own place is the only other option.