Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

What is "normal" contact with an adult child who lives away?

148 replies

Cocoagrowing · 11/12/2025 10:31

DS is moving, with his GF, a very long way away.

I'm very happy for him, he's going for a great opportunity and a lovely lifestyle. GF is nice enough although neither of us have made an effort to be "close", on my part mainly because I didn't want to interfere and have let them lead. They haven't actually been together long and this has been a very quick decision. She's already moved to "the place", I won't have any opportunity to see her over Christmas, as she won't be here. He currently lives with me, so it's a big change. He goes before the end of the year.

When I was a child we lived far from GPs. My Dad spoke to his parents once in a blue moon and wrote never. Mum (and we children) spoke to her parents, without fail, every Sunday evening and wrote once a week. This was a time when sometimes that meant going to the phone box, depending on where we were living.

My sister also lives away and speaks to Mum every Sunday evening. I know DSis hasn't always loved the sense of "having" to find the time to do that.

Anyway, obviously I'd like to keep in touch with DS, hear about his new life, and be there should he (they) need me. I'm kind of accepting that I'll have to drive any contact and make sure it happens, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or cause any friction in their relationship.

So I'm assuming a fixed time weekly call isn't the way to go, but how would you approach staying in touch with your son without being a pain? Woukd you accept it's going to WhatsApp messages on the whole or would you expect to speak too. How often?

I think we have a good healthy realtionship but nothing like the "best friend" some parents claim. He talks to me a lot about work/career stuff, not so much about his love life!

OP posts:
Tammygirl12 · 11/12/2025 10:32

Don’t arrange a set time. Start with WhatsApp, call him once a week or a fortnight but don’t follow it up or pressure if he doesn’t call you back quickly.

NewCushions · 11/12/2025 10:34

I think in this day and age, a set call is not appropriate. If you already have a whatsapp chat going, just keep that maintianed. I think the trick is to have regular, but not invasive contact. Then calls happen as and when, and will vary for everyone.

We like to exchange pictures and random comments about stuff going on. If my mum was still here, I suspect it would be more regular.

Ahsheeit · 11/12/2025 10:46

I have a family FB messenger chat, and we'll individually message each other with a "free for a call?" Message each week to ten days. Works for us 😊

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

RyanFudgingMurphy · 11/12/2025 10:53

I used to ring from a payphone in my student halls once a week back in the late 90s.

My DD will communicate by WhatsApp maybe once a week but never rings me. Me, being a 90s kid, texts every other day and rings once a month.

mumonthehill · 11/12/2025 10:56

Ds lives 6 hours away and other ds is in New Zealand. We have a family WhatsApp that we all post in most days. New Zealand ds facetimes once a week and other ds we speak to every other week or so. Both ring or message if they have news or need help. We keep it light, send fun news ir just say hi. It is a transition when they are away but it is so easy now to stay in touch.

freezingmytoesoff · 11/12/2025 10:59

I don't really think there is a right or wrong... I'm 32 and I speak to my mum every weekday on the phone, I call her on my walk home from work. We also text every day throughout the day, and wish each other goodnight every night - I am VERY aware this isn't the norm. On the flipside I probably speak to my dad once every couple of weeks via whatsapp... we are close but he's just not a chatty person really!

MujeresLibres · 11/12/2025 10:59

I'm going to go against the grain and say arrange a set time (but be flexible). My partner's parents live some distance away. Partner has always spoken to them on a Sunday evening unless someone can't make it, but there is a WhatsApp group for ad hoc contact. Brother in law has never had a fixed contact time, and the parents (and my partner) are in the position of always being the ones having to initiate and maintain contact, which has meant some hurt feelings. There's no real family problems, so I don't think it's that BIL wants to keep arm's length contact, and he is always warm and happy at family gatherings. I think it's because he used to work shifts so fixed times were difficult at first, and now he's just in the habit of doing his own thing.

Inlimboin50s · 11/12/2025 11:00

My ds 24 is in the army. We chat may be every three weeks, he is the one who calls me as I know he's busy.

Silverbirchleaf · 11/12/2025 11:01

We FaceTime our ds once a week.

Tdcp · 11/12/2025 11:04

I have a family WhatsApp with my extended family (nc with mother and brothers) as they live near London and I'm in Yorkshire. Every morning we send a "morning" message and if anyone has anything to add we do that and then we get back to them as and when we can. It's all very low key, I'm not even sure how it started with the "morning" message but it also lets us all know that we're all good without any pressure to call or text anyone directly. Lives are busy, jobs, kids etc.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 11/12/2025 11:04

I text my mum maybe once a week and we talk on the phone every month-ish. See each other 3-4 times a year.

I tried not calling her once to see how long it would take her to contact me. Over 3 months. So now I know she clearly doesn’t care I let the more regular contact fall off.

Grumpynan · 11/12/2025 11:07

I have one son who lives 4 hours away and another about 2. I miss them both terribly but happy they are living the life they want.

weve sort of fallen into a loose routine. We message a couple of time one day then nothing for a few depending what happening. Send photos (yesterday I sent a picture of a massive cooking disaster which I’m known for don’t know why I tried again 😂. They each replied a couple of times and that was it.

ds2 will FT at off times and days just for a chat, or to ask how to cook a ham or something diy related, ds1 calls on a Saturday morning if he’s going to call but if busy doesn’t. I rarely FT I send a are you free message as I know they’re busy.

i think just go with the flow, it will eventually evolve

ReignOfError · 11/12/2025 11:08

We have a family WhatsApp group that includes my daughters-in-law, and one each with my sons. They are used for all sorts, from bad jokes to planning visits. I speak to one son briefly on the phone maybe three times a week - he calls me, usually on his way back from work - and that’s usually just chitchat-chat, and the other maybe once every couple of months and always about something specific because he doesn’t think phones calls are for chit-chat at all.

But no, we don’t have a regular schedule. Never have had, even when we lived on separate continents.

weisatted · 11/12/2025 11:09

I think it just depends on the people

DH has a fixed weekly call with his parents - that's what they all like. Obviously sometimes it gets rearranged but they like having a dedicated slot. I sometimes join and sometimes don't.

With my parents, it's more fluid, I message back and forth a lot and call more variably

Cocoagrowing · 11/12/2025 11:10

PigeonsandSquirrels · 11/12/2025 11:04

I text my mum maybe once a week and we talk on the phone every month-ish. See each other 3-4 times a year.

I tried not calling her once to see how long it would take her to contact me. Over 3 months. So now I know she clearly doesn’t care I let the more regular contact fall off.

I can see how that would happen though - its a balancing act as a parent of adult children between being interested and not being too demanding. You don't want to feel that you're intruding on their busy lives.

OP posts:
PigeonsandSquirrels · 11/12/2025 11:13

Cocoagrowing · 11/12/2025 11:10

I can see how that would happen though - its a balancing act as a parent of adult children between being interested and not being too demanding. You don't want to feel that you're intruding on their busy lives.

Well it’s a great way to lose a relationship and make someone feel unloved.

If they’re busy they’ll just text that they’re busy!

Cocoagrowing · 11/12/2025 11:15

PigeonsandSquirrels · 11/12/2025 11:13

Well it’s a great way to lose a relationship and make someone feel unloved.

If they’re busy they’ll just text that they’re busy!

Yes, as I say, difficult to get it right.

OP posts:
Springersrock · 11/12/2025 11:16

My eldest daughter is a couple of hours away. She moved with her boyfriend last year.

Contact is prettt adhoc. We haven’t scheduled times or anything. If she’s/we’re busy we’ll just text to we’ll call back in a bit.

We have a family group chat and speak most days on that. Just general chit chat normally - last night she was trying to choose some prints for her bathroom and her boyfriend wasn’t that interested so she posted her options on there. She’ll share photos of stuff she’s been up to, share silly TikTok videos and stuff like that.

She’ll FaceTime me maybe once a week, sometimes it will go a bit longer. She does come back for a weekend once every couple of months.

She has had a bit of a rough few weeks - difficult time at work, her phone broke, her car broke down, her boyfriend was made redundant (he’s got another job now) and she’s needed a bit of moral support so I’ve spoken to her pretty much every other day but that’s not the norm.

ComfortFoodCafe · 11/12/2025 11:16

My mother just whatsapps me, we ring maybe 2/3 times a month depending on how busy we are! She actually talks to me more than my brother who lives a lot closer to her. 😂

MrsKeats · 11/12/2025 11:19

My adult kids message me every day. Always have.

Cocoagrowing · 11/12/2025 11:25

ComfortFoodCafe · 11/12/2025 11:16

My mother just whatsapps me, we ring maybe 2/3 times a month depending on how busy we are! She actually talks to me more than my brother who lives a lot closer to her. 😂

Yes it's hard being mum to adult boys!

OP posts:
ItsDarkNow · 11/12/2025 11:27

Mine have lived far away at various stages. A whatsapp call every few weeks suited everyone. There was certainly no expectation on either side that there would be any scheduled calls.

Catpiece · 11/12/2025 11:28

My oldest DS lives 10 mins away with his gf and baby. We speak most days. Very close

Strictlycomeparent · 11/12/2025 11:31

My MIL is probably far more ‘careful’ than she needs to be honestly. I know she doesn’t want to burden us so either waits for us to make contact or tries to arrange a call. Honestly I’d rather she rang once a week at different times and we’ll answer when we can. Otherwise it feels like a mental load to arrange the call. The actual speaking with her is lovely. I just hate the admin!

turkeyboots · 11/12/2025 11:32

My Dbro who lives in Australia has a set time he calls home. Otherwise finding a slot round time differences, kids bedtimes and life generally becomes tricky.
If you are only dealing with a few hours difference, its much easier.