What is "normal" contact with an adult child who lives away?

[Cocoagrowing]

DS is moving, with his GF, a very long way away.

I'm very happy for him, he's going for a great opportunity and a lovely lifestyle. GF is nice enough although neither of us have made an effort to be "close", on my part mainly because I didn't want to interfere and have let them lead. They haven't actually been together long and this has been a very quick decision. She's already moved to "the place", I won't have any opportunity to see her over Christmas, as she won't be here. He currently lives with me, so it's a big change. He goes before the end of the year.

When I was a child we lived far from GPs. My Dad spoke to his parents once in a blue moon and wrote never. Mum (and we children) spoke to her parents, without fail, every Sunday evening and wrote once a week. This was a time when sometimes that meant going to the phone box, depending on where we were living.

My sister also lives away and speaks to Mum every Sunday evening. I know DSis hasn't always loved the sense of "having" to find the time to do that.

Anyway, obviously I'd like to keep in touch with DS, hear about his new life, and be there should he (they) need me. I'm kind of accepting that I'll have to drive any contact and make sure it happens, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or cause any friction in their relationship.

So I'm assuming a fixed time weekly call isn't the way to go, but how would you approach staying in touch with your son without being a pain? Woukd you accept it's going to WhatsApp messages on the whole or would you expect to speak too. How often?

I think we have a good healthy realtionship but nothing like the "best friend" some parents claim. He talks to me a lot about work/career stuff, not so much about his love life!

Rather than a set time, just have a set day eg Sunday. Then contact them that day to say what time's good to chat. Surely you can say to them, if I'm feeling like a PITA let me know. But weekly contact is entirely reasonable.

We are in pretty much daily contact via WhatsApp either one to one or in the larger family chat. We also videocall around once a week/ten days. Nothing set, it's just how it's worked out.

My siblings and I all live far away from our parents (not deliberate!).

One calls every Sunday morning during his breakfast time.

I call roughly once every 10 days, sometimes more frequently, sometimes less, depends what's going on in everyone's lives.

The last one speaks to them every day.

My son is 21 and went to uni 3 years ago, moved out this autumn. We speak on the phone every Sunday, and WhatsApp maybe once or twice most weeks. Tbh I think both parties have a right to some input here. He’s my son. I think it’s reasonable to hear his voice once a week. You can tell a lot more about what someone is feeling if you can hear their voice. Things come up that I wasn’t expecting to talk about. The messages are great too but I stick to the phone calls as well. He once said ‘are we speaking this Sunday, I like our calls’ so that’s good I think.

My adult DC live a couple of hours away from me. We have a family WA and I message each of them separately too. I think it’s unusual to not have popped something on the chats every day. Might just be a meme or a photo. Sometimes it’s long conversations.

DD and I speak maybe every ten to 14 days on the phone. DS calls me every couple of days. I usually leave it for them to call me because I’m time rich and they aren’t.

As the adult child who lives away, I would say approx weekly phone calls, plus texts as and when, is a good level. Not too often to be intrusive, but if contact is too infrequent you get out of touch with each others lives. I much prefer a 20 min chat to more infrequent but expectation you'll be on the phone for hours, but it ebbs and flows depending how much news there is on both sides. Its nice for parents to phone sometimes - just don't make a big deal of it if he doesn't pick up and or call back immediately.

My Mum is always really good at remembering if I've told her a big thing is coming up at work or for dc and will ring or message to see how it's gone.

I would be wary of 'taking the lead' entirely from him - a relationship should be 2 way. My husband is always happy to chat to his parents but doesn't always remember to call and they never phone him incase he is busy. He has told them multiple times, if he's busy he won't pick up the phone!

See I don’t agree with this. I would find it so suffocating knowing I had a set day that I had to call and speak to someone every week. It’s off putting and makes it feel like a chore.

It’s so much easier to just have conversation flow on messages/what’s app or make the odd phone call whilst in the car on the way back from work to catch up.

No one should be held at gun point to stick to a communication schedule.

Talk when you have something to say.

MiL expects a weekly call but has absolutely nothing to talk about, it’s painful.

I stopped calling my mum once to see how long before she called me, and I caved in and called her after about 8 months. She hadn't even noticed 🤣

I set up a "family" WhatsApp but no one uses it.

I should get the message 🤦

I really don’t think it’s difficult to get right. Call and text lots, if they are too busy they won’t pick up/reply. We have it both ways - my mum calls/messages often, DH’s parents wait to hear from us. I actually prefer my mum’s way as it takes the mental load of ‘oh must call…’ away. There is also no pressure to pick up, or if I say’ all later’ she will send a heart emoji.

I message my children about 4 times a week. I speak to one son (23) once a week for about 1/2 hour. The other 'child' (35) I speak to once a month, but I go up and see them once a month too.

It depends im your DS, I used to call once a week or 2 weeks but my mum wasn’t particularly interested. She had my sister near by and all efforts went to her, it was the same when I lived closer. Now I call mum nearly every day but it’s more because she is in her own and elderly. I really struggle with this close level of contact as we haven’t got much to talk about.
DH calls his mum once a month mostly instigated by DD but he is very busy genuinely.
I would say you need to find a pattern depending on their life style and time difference. And maybe short calls often as they are much easier to fit in. Audio calls are also easier to fit in and less demanding. But you still need video calls from time to time - to keep up with their life. My MIL always was a good listener and liked to see a new shelf/ carpet/ cake / view of the window etc etc - I really liked it and appreciated it. My mum wasn’t hence the problems in our relationship.

I'm not sure generalising helps.

I have both sexes of adult dc. In my case, it is a ds who is the one who contacts me the most, and is most likely to phone me.

You and he need to work it out. Everyone is different. My son prefers phone calls as do i, but we inevitably need to message too. You will find a rhythm with it that works for you both.

I would just call him once a week for a quick chat and see how that goes. DH lived far away from MIL he uses his commute time to catch up with her a few times a week and she will call him once or twice a week. This has increased now there are grandchildren and it’s nice.

I think it a balancing act, when they’re young in 20s parents ought to call first etc and as you grow up then it’s your turn to reciprocate back and ensure you call to check up on your parents just as much.

I have x 4 sons.One lives in London where we are near Edinburgh.He phones every Wednesday without fail apart from if he has anything else and we arrange another night.
My 2nd son has gone to Australia for a year with his girlfriend.They left in October and send pictures via WhatsApp most days and do a video call usually at the weekend in the morning as it fits the time zone.
My 3rd son lives on the other side of Edinburgh.He phones most days on his way to work and sends messages in between if I am at work.
My youngest still lives with us and is at university and he usually messages to say if he will be back for dinner etc as sometimes his plans change.
So you can see they are all different and you will find what is your new normal.Its daunting letting them go but deep down you will always be their mum and they need you.
If you don't put too much pressure you might be surprised how much he misses you and will contact you regularly.
Take care of yourself.Its a big change but they will come back at times.
It would be good if you speak to his girlfriend too so you can get to know each other.x

I video call my parents and my grandmother (two separate calls) usually weekly so my children can see and speak to them. Sometimes it might be 10-14 days between calls depending on if any of us are busy and it's never a set night.

Pre-children I spoke to them maybe once a fortnight on a normal call.

Ive got two that live away, one in a European country, one a couple of counties away. We've got Instagram WhatsApp and FB messenger. Dd will often message me if she sees me on Instagram. Big messages are sent on messenger. She probably facetimes once week but no set time. Ds who lives in the UK, calls once in a blue moon(when he wants something ). I let them drive the contact so it doesn't feel like im crowding them.

Me and my mum are close, but neither of us are "callers" (with anyone). It absolutely can have to be a conscious effort to make sure too much time doesn't pass!

On my side we’re in WhatsApp contact most days and I chat with them at least once a week. On DH’s side he talks to his family about once a week maybe a little less, usually on a Sunday.

I do have a set time to talk to my dad each week/ time differences make a casual chat more difficult. So we chat every Sunday morning (UK time).

My mum I chat to a few times a week, send random texts etc. see her most weeks. DH sees his parents every couple of months (but we do take them on holiday once a year or so) and chats weekly.

DS is away at uni (about 5hrs away). We chat at least once a week. Send regular messages on the family chat.

I speak to my parents every night now, we’re about 5 hours away and my daughter likes to chat to them before bed on FaceTime. We also have a family WhatsApp group that we chat on, and a group with just me and my parents. Oh and individual ones with each parent. Chat to them on those ones most days too or share videos, photos etc.
When I first moved away though I probably phoned my grandparents more 😂 my mum would complain my grandmas would tell her what I was up to. I also lived in Europe when I was 20 and would phone sporadically, my mobile only worked in France where I lived and I’d often end up going to Italy or somewhere. Would return to voicemails and casually phone my mum to say I’d jumped on a train and spent a few days in a hostel in Milan or somewhere, much to everyone’s amusement back home. I used to send the whole family postcards from where I ended up 🙈😂 I’d hate that as a mum now though.
OP, I think you’ll settle into a routine that suits you both, might take a while when everything is new and exciting for your DS but you’ll get there x

I have 3 DS. DS1 and 2 aren’t great at being in touch but I know they are busy. We WhatsApp in a family chat and speak to their GFs more than them
DS3 is better at WhatsApping and I see him once a week and call once a week too.
I speak to my parents every day

DS calls about every 3 or 4 weeks and texts in between if we have anything to say, he calls us as his life is quite busy and we are retired.

ive been away on and off since 20 around the world and back in the days no whatsapp and all that - I did Skype calls weekly

once I got a hold of WhatsApp / face time on my phone we always spoke most days -

im 37 now and live away still and never a day goes by without speaking to my mum 🤣🤣 so for me id say daily

but I know everyone is different