What is "normal" contact with an adult child who lives away?

[Cocoagrowing]

DS is moving, with his GF, a very long way away.

I'm very happy for him, he's going for a great opportunity and a lovely lifestyle. GF is nice enough although neither of us have made an effort to be "close", on my part mainly because I didn't want to interfere and have let them lead. They haven't actually been together long and this has been a very quick decision. She's already moved to "the place", I won't have any opportunity to see her over Christmas, as she won't be here. He currently lives with me, so it's a big change. He goes before the end of the year.

When I was a child we lived far from GPs. My Dad spoke to his parents once in a blue moon and wrote never. Mum (and we children) spoke to her parents, without fail, every Sunday evening and wrote once a week. This was a time when sometimes that meant going to the phone box, depending on where we were living.

My sister also lives away and speaks to Mum every Sunday evening. I know DSis hasn't always loved the sense of "having" to find the time to do that.

Anyway, obviously I'd like to keep in touch with DS, hear about his new life, and be there should he (they) need me. I'm kind of accepting that I'll have to drive any contact and make sure it happens, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or cause any friction in their relationship.

So I'm assuming a fixed time weekly call isn't the way to go, but how would you approach staying in touch with your son without being a pain? Woukd you accept it's going to WhatsApp messages on the whole or would you expect to speak too. How often?

I think we have a good healthy realtionship but nothing like the "best friend" some parents claim. He talks to me a lot about work/career stuff, not so much about his love life!

DD36 & DS28 both have WhatsApp which we use regularly to send pics/texts etc. They both phone home at least once a week, and we occasionally do a conference video call. We all live busy lives, but those weekly calls are very important to us all x

Just try and be relaxed about it. My DH moved away from his family, he could go a couple if weeks without talking to his mum or he could be on the phone every day for a couple of weeks. He sees them in person a few times a year. He speaks to his mum more than I speak to mine who lives locally. Distance or gender won't determine the level of contact, it's about the relationship you have with each other.

My daughter (27) lives 4 hours away and my son (25)recently moved 1 hour away. We send messages every few days, mostly me sending pics of something I've seen or something funny I've read, sometimes they reply and sometimes not, but I like them to know im thinking of them anyway! I try not to be overbearing or annoying with it of course, it really is difficult when they leave home as they are always going to be your children.

I wish you were my child

Two of mine are long distance and one local. I see the local one average once or twice a week he pops in and out quickly or will sit and chat for hours. Quite often he and his gf will pop in to see if we fss as not a takeout.
One I visit by train 2or 3 times a month to offer help with child care and because they live in a place where there is a lot for me to do and I am not under their feet.
The third one I see at our house 4 ish times a year and quite often they will appear when we are on holiday. We go there usually twice a year.
All three send light hearted messages, jokes, requests and photos on what’s app. The two distant ones telephone me once or twice a week. No set times just if they have 40 minutes free eg in a taxi and fancy a chat. Some weeks they may not ring.
i am close to all three partners. I would make an effort if needed but actually they are all absolutely lovely and seem to like me. They ring or message separately.

As long as you don’t leave him drunk rambling voicemails asking how he can dare to leave you or ring him up to scream the same question at him down the phone then you’re all good.

What do you mean by ‘away’? Down the road? Another town? Another country ? Another continent?

DH and I are from the uk. We’ve lived ‘away’ for 20+ years, first in NZ then in France. We’ve both kept in regular touch with our parents and siblings thoughout. I’d say our relationships are all close because we all make the effort - but we all keep our expectations low. My parents are happy with fortnightly phone calls, whats app in between for random chats. Ditto DH, and we both make equal effort. A lot of this is based around children though, were really wanted or kids to know their families so we spent a lot of holiday time with grandparents.

i was never super close to my mil, who was a very private person. But she loved my DH and my children to bits.

Luckily my mum, sister and I are all perfectly happy with sporadic but meaningful contact 🤣 we don’t do small talk, it’s big talk or nothing.

I have 2 adult DC. I text them whenever I have something to say - "saw x today and they send their regards", "Dad's feeling rough today - looks like he's going down with something" etc. I don't expect anything other than a thumbs up response. They do similar. We probably text 2/3 times per week and take the conversation to a phone call if it's more than a basic exchange of messages. We are quite close, but not in each other's pockets.

We keep on touch on WhatsApp and do WhatsApp video calls every 2 or 3 weeks

Fixed times are great. I had that with my dad and now MIL. As a result i feel closer to them and we actually know about each others' lives. With my adult kids it's less organised. One DD regularly calls on her way back from work, so that's kind of fixed, not by day but by routine. Other DD also randomly calls when commuting or walking when out late. Both DD are rubbish at texting or whatsapping, i just talk to myself there! With my own DM, months can pass. She seems reluctant to talk regularly, which is a shame. I'd say find a time or routine that works and then try to fix it in some way, otherwise it will slip and your relationship could drift.

Our eldest (25) lives in London with mates. We have never had any sort of arrangement. He texts, joins in the family WhatsApp, calls (sporadically) and comes home when he fancies. He texts his dad more than me, to share recipes and photos of meals he’s cooked (I’m not a cook).

This is as it should be, imo. I have friends with adult offspring that seem incapable of proper independence. They’re involving their parents (mums usually) in the trivial and minutiae of their lives. Calling and texting daily. I dont think it’s healthy.

Our son is coming home next week for Christmas but after Boxing Day he’s going to stay with his girlfriend and her family. They’re joinig us again for a new year break in an hotel.

Not too much, not too little. My dad used to quote that saying, the best things you can give your children are roots and also wings.

Im 34 . I see my Mum most days and speak to my Dad on the phone almost every day and see him maybe twice a month.

I don’t think there’s any normal and I’d expect contact to be sporadic at first while he settles/is excited about the move, particularly if there’s a big time difference. My family member emigrated and contacts his mum once a fortnight, once a month, he needs an occasional nudge. I make a duty call about once a week to my mum, I’m 5 hours away.

Me and dd talk a couple times a week on the phone and meet once or twice a month. We also message as and when but probably most days.

I wouldn’t routine it I’d ring whatever feels comfortable but somewhere 4-10 days. Make sure you have some conversation ready. And I’d message sporadically a combination of exchanging Info, planning visits/asking how they are and what they are up to /photos/memes (if you are into them)

I think you need to your ds control the pace.
I know you'd love to have it set in stone but it's just not practical.

Of you push for more contact he might just be crushed further away.

My son lives with his gf and kids not too farfrom me.
I'd l9to see them more but they have their own life.
We text a few times a week sometimes and see them twice a month.

My adult dcs both live a four hour drive away and we have a family Messenger group chat, chat individually, and have various WhatsApp groups with different family members. They are both very present in our lives, probably more so than when they were both at home.
We do a lot of video calls on Messenger - never any pressure to join or not, just join when we can. That’s probably two or three times a week and totally random. We have no set times. We’re all pretty close.

DD is far away and we have a family texting group.

She and I text individually several times a week and she calls me or DH whenever she feels like it.

My DS1 lives in Canada….WhatsApp every couple of days …..his news…our news…..he comes home 3 times a year for a couple of weeks and we meet him twice a year abroad ( this year we did New York in spring and Thailand in October) …..we been doing this for 13 years …..he’s 34 now….if he was in a long term relationship then this would all likely change

Whilst I've always been in regular touch with my daughter since she's left home, it's been varied, depending what stage of her life she's been at. You will probably find the same with your son as the years go by.

When she first left home I did a six hour journey to see her every three weeks, and we phoned and texted in between.

After she was married at first I saw her less although she did live only about an hour away. We texted a few times a week. It was a big adjustment for all of us, and of course I totally got that she needed to settle into her new relationship and give that priority.

Now she has two children, and asked us to move nearer. So I see her usually a couple of times a week and text daily. Today she did a long facetime call while she was wrapping Christmas presents and I could see my little toddler grandson pootling around in the background. Her father and I had coffee in town with her yesterday and we'll be going shopping together tomorrow.

I've had times when I have honestly felt quite bleak with empty nest when she first left home, but as she's an only child we've always been very close.

Don't overthink it - just do the odd lighthearted text or whatsapp and be led by your son. I would try and get to know your son's girlfriend if you can. Be supportive but not intrusive, a fine balance! I've always been very supportive of my daughter's then boyfriend who is now my son-in-law and we're very close. Helped by the fact that we both have corporate banking backgrounds which my daughter is totally not interested in and finds very boring, but we love to talk 'shop' together!!!

It's great that you're sensitive to the situation of how much contact, and I'm sure you'll navigate it just fine. Just remember, you'll always be his Mum!

Well my eldest is 27 and lives in her own house, admittedly local to me. She has a very responsible and full on job yet calls and messages me so much I sometimes have to tell her to leave me alone (jokingly of course. Err sort of)

so this is very much relationship dependant. I’d just keep it light and WhatsApp him frequently with light stuff but not overwhelmingly so

I mean, you know him. Can you just ‘be yourself’ and make contact as much as you do now? (Taking into account he will be moving away)

I def. agree with posters saying that parents should make some effort and not expect their adult child to always make contact. A quick text takes seconds.

I think you are worrying about this too much OP, and it was probably a mistake not to make an effort with the GF. It can too easily read as not interested, whereas if you make an initial effort it can easily and naturally then tone down.

I would step it up a bit.

I think you should aim for fairly regular WhatsApp messages. Sometimes we have a flurry, other times nothing for a few days. Usually lighthearted stuff. I would also recommend weekly phone calls, we video call to see grandchildren. Make it clear that either side can initiate and answer or not as convenient. If you find you haven't spoken for weeks/your calls are never answered then try to arrange a set (ish) time.

I almost never speak to my mum or dad on the phone. It's almost exclusively reserved for time sensitive questions or emergencies.

We do have a fairly active family Whatsapp chat that's posted on a couple of times a week.

I don’t think it has to be.
I have sons late 20’s both live 5 hours away in two completely different directions.
One works all sorts of hours but never on a Sunday I ring him every Sunday and we talk for 1-2 hours he’s a great at chatting and we’re both interested in politics. The other one calls me twice a week usually on his way home from work. We also have a WhatsApp group we put photos etc on it.
My New Year’s resolution was to see then more often one I see one weekend a month I go and stay with him or he stays with me and the other one about 4/5 times a year but usually for 4/5 days sometimes a week again he comes to me or I go there.
We all go on holiday together for a week once a year.
I get on well with both their partners.
I think I’ve got the balance about right.