What is "normal" contact with an adult child who lives away?

[Cocoagrowing]

DS is moving, with his GF, a very long way away.

I'm very happy for him, he's going for a great opportunity and a lovely lifestyle. GF is nice enough although neither of us have made an effort to be "close", on my part mainly because I didn't want to interfere and have let them lead. They haven't actually been together long and this has been a very quick decision. She's already moved to "the place", I won't have any opportunity to see her over Christmas, as she won't be here. He currently lives with me, so it's a big change. He goes before the end of the year.

When I was a child we lived far from GPs. My Dad spoke to his parents once in a blue moon and wrote never. Mum (and we children) spoke to her parents, without fail, every Sunday evening and wrote once a week. This was a time when sometimes that meant going to the phone box, depending on where we were living.

My sister also lives away and speaks to Mum every Sunday evening. I know DSis hasn't always loved the sense of "having" to find the time to do that.

Anyway, obviously I'd like to keep in touch with DS, hear about his new life, and be there should he (they) need me. I'm kind of accepting that I'll have to drive any contact and make sure it happens, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or cause any friction in their relationship.

So I'm assuming a fixed time weekly call isn't the way to go, but how would you approach staying in touch with your son without being a pain? Woukd you accept it's going to WhatsApp messages on the whole or would you expect to speak too. How often?

I think we have a good healthy realtionship but nothing like the "best friend" some parents claim. He talks to me a lot about work/career stuff, not so much about his love life!

Don’t arrange a set time. This is suffocating behaviour.

I would keep in touch via what’s app and just keep it flowing casually. Make sure you’re not always waiting for him to message first and don’t feel messages always have to be saved for big events or formal.

Send pictures of things going on in your life, ask questions about his, it will find its natural flow.

Five of us, I (Mum) get a face time or what’s app daily then a group face time on Sundays.

I'm more of a WhatsApper than a phoner and we probably exchange WhatsApps every two days on average.

We have six sons .We moved to France when my husband ( their dad ) retired 7 years ago .
Eldest son lives in Northern Ireland we whats app, speak on phone , and he , our daughter in law and grandson spend 2 weeks here every summer
2nd son lives in Japan again we WhatsApp / call and we are visiting next year for a month
3rd & 4th sons completely cut us and their brothers out after they both ended up in prison and upon release decided that was what they wanted to do ( 10 plus years ago )
5th & 6th sons again whatsapp / call visit .

My dd26 works shifts and lives 3.5 hours away. She rings either her dad or me every day, multiple times (in the car on way to work, on way home from work, before going to sleep).

It sounds a lot (now I've written it down) but its maybe a two minute call, more if something is going on, quick check in, mainly asks about ddog 😂.

Due to the nature of her work and living alone we asked her to ring us after her shift was over and back home, for our peace of mind and so she didn't feel alone being so far away from everyone she knows. Its fallen into the multiple calls routine over the years because she clearly likes it and so do we.

She comes home on her off days, some holidays. She brings her washing and we spoil her. We also visit her, I'm here now, I cook for her and I've topped and bottomed her flat because she hasn't always got time due to work.

Family WhatsApp, dd and I text probably every other day.More if something going on like job hunting, illness.Zoom most weeks, meet in person every month/six weeks. Friend has only child in NZ, they zoom every day.Really depends on family dynamics.

a very long way away.

How far are you talking? New Zealand or somewhere in the UK? Why not occasionally invite them to yours for a meal, or offer to meet half way?

My brother lives 10mins from my mum. He rings her about every fortnight and see each other maybe every 3-4weeks. Not as set times.
I'm in the UK and my family are abroad. I see them about every 2yrs due to the distance and speak to my mum weekly. Again, not a set time/day though.

Of course we'll plan to visit. About 6 hours.

I agree.

PILs (when they were alive) used to insist on a call every Sunday evening. They wanted us to take it in turns to call. When the DC were small, the weekends were pretty busy for us, and we sometimes forgot it was our ’turn’. One such weekend my FIL actually rang my father to complain! Thankfully my dad thought it was funny, but I really resented them for doing that.

@Cocoagrowing what has your DS said? Have you asked him what he would like/prefer?

I speak to my adult son every 2wks and what’s app inbetween

I find it odd you feel the need to plan this so much. Are you not close op? I would have thought it would be organic.

Also YOU need to take the lead if you want to be close to your DS’s partner - she should reciprocate but the effort needs to come from you first.

My brother lives about 4 hours away from my parents. We have an active family chat and I think my parents probably see him every 4 weeks or so. Mostly them going there (retired) but DB and gf also come down.

I think that’s a bit unfair @Talkingtomyhouseplants - this is a new situation for the OP, and it’s also quite an emotional time when your DC first moves out.

I'm not "planning" so much as thinking about what's reasonable.

Yes, I could have done things differently with GF, but I didn't know he was seeing anyone until quite recently and then she's been living away.

Yes, I think it's quite clear Talkingtomyhouseplants doesn't have adult children, and is in for a bit of a shock about how tough the transition from parenting children to adults can be. I've actually found it hardest of all the parenting phases.

I'm just thinking some things through before talking to DS. I'm sure it will be fine, but it doesn't hurt to think about how things might go.

Don’t do a set call. I used to resent it as it was before mobiles too so I had to be at a specific phone at a specific time weekly. Message regularly and once a month suggest a time that’s convenient for him for a catch up.

I live a distance away from all of my children. One DD and one DS I chat with daily via WhatsApp or Messenger. Another DS messages as and when, but regularly phones me to chat. He has a long commute, so I keep him company on his way home from work. The DD who lives closest to me, I haven't spoken to for nearly two years after a falling out.

I speak to my dad everyday, he calls me to say goodnight every evening about 9pm even if I’ve seen him that day 😂

Just stick to what’s app casually through the week.

“How’s it going settling into the house, I’d love to see some pics. Please say hi to X for me.”

”Hey, hope you’ve had a good week. I went to XYZ and saw ABC, here’s some pics”

Forget any set routine. Their social life will take off and they'll be busy.

I used to call my DM about twice a term.

Normal is whatever works for you and yours.

One of my adult children left home for a different country ten years ago - we religiously have a Sunday evening telephone call (never video, she hates video), she has never felt the urge to contact me in between calls but it can be 30min-3hrs on a Sunday. She is incredibly busy at work and I love that she considers this chat an important part of her life.
My son lives four hours away and we message chat a few times each week and he comes ‘home’ once every 6 weeks or so for a long weekend or more. I go and see him every month.
My other daughter lives next door and sometimes we can go up to four days without seeing each other/any contact at all but I can hear her laughing through the wall so I know she’s fine lol.

It’s all normal as it’s all what they each need.

I would definitely try calling / suggesting calling and messaging more than being off hand.

My parents always have put the ball in my court but didn't really make that clear and it's affected our relationship as they never call.

DD was at uni for four years and now luves with BF. She's local, but we don't see eachother more than 1/2x a month.

I'm not really into phoning - she calls about once a week, but if we haven't spoken for more than that, I'll phone. In-between we send photos of things, asking if doing anything nice for weekend, anything eachother would want to know, ie pet had op this morning, so we'll probably have 12-15 messages between us today.

However, there is no right or wrong. Naturally you'll want to speak to him, but could add messages/photos if you like

Yes, that's probably why I'm giving it headspace.

My sister (who can be a challenge) has a very poor relationship with Dad because he never calls, although I know he would absolutely drop everything if she needed him and loves to receive her calls. He doesn't like to demand attention or intrude on their family time.

OTOH, mum has always stuck to a rigid routine, and initiates lots of contact, and Dsis doesn't like that either!

No advice for what to do, but based on my own mother I know what NOT to do. My mum tried to insist (she's very controlling, no contact with her now) an hour weekly schedule to come round and see my kids. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

This was the convo that got her blocked and cut off. Also expected me to call her every morning so she knew I didn't die in my sleep (I'm bloody 28!). So, as long as you don't do those I assume you'll do great.

Once a week phone call or What's App message.
See them in person for a couple of weekends per year, if possible.

But it has to be at the discretion of the young adult - the last thing they'll want will be a clingy, pushy parent.