What is "normal" contact with an adult child who lives away?

[Cocoagrowing]

DS is moving, with his GF, a very long way away.

I'm very happy for him, he's going for a great opportunity and a lovely lifestyle. GF is nice enough although neither of us have made an effort to be "close", on my part mainly because I didn't want to interfere and have let them lead. They haven't actually been together long and this has been a very quick decision. She's already moved to "the place", I won't have any opportunity to see her over Christmas, as she won't be here. He currently lives with me, so it's a big change. He goes before the end of the year.

When I was a child we lived far from GPs. My Dad spoke to his parents once in a blue moon and wrote never. Mum (and we children) spoke to her parents, without fail, every Sunday evening and wrote once a week. This was a time when sometimes that meant going to the phone box, depending on where we were living.

My sister also lives away and speaks to Mum every Sunday evening. I know DSis hasn't always loved the sense of "having" to find the time to do that.

Anyway, obviously I'd like to keep in touch with DS, hear about his new life, and be there should he (they) need me. I'm kind of accepting that I'll have to drive any contact and make sure it happens, but I also don't want to be a nuisance or cause any friction in their relationship.

So I'm assuming a fixed time weekly call isn't the way to go, but how would you approach staying in touch with your son without being a pain? Woukd you accept it's going to WhatsApp messages on the whole or would you expect to speak too. How often?

I think we have a good healthy realtionship but nothing like the "best friend" some parents claim. He talks to me a lot about work/career stuff, not so much about his love life!

I would message him once a week on WhatsApp and ask how his weeks been/keep him updated.

You’ll get a feel for if that’s too much/not enough as time goes on.

It’s likely that for the first 6 months or so you’ll barely hear from him as it will be a big adjustment for him.
But in the future he’ll likely start texting and ringing you more.

I agree. I found my 2 DC leaving home, (they are very close in age) and never coming back, really hard. They didn't contact us much during uni (only when they wanted something!)

Then when they left, they came back to our home town for a bit, but then moved about/travelled, and didn't make much effort contacting me and DH. (It was always us making the effort.) I spoke to other parents and it seemed it was common for this to happen.

For about 10 years I felt distant from them (so did DH,) but it's just the way young adults are (some of them!) They hit late 20s, and then moved closer again, and make way more contact with us now, and we see them 3-4 times a month and go out with them for pub lunches, and to the theatre and the cinema, and spend Christmas Day and Easter Day together, and we go on daytrips to the beach with them. (They're early 30s now.... so it's been this for about 4 years now... And hopefully them being closer - is here to stay... )

Children growing up (and leaving and never returning,) makes you feel a bit bereft, and it's a kind of blue, depressing, hollow feeling that people never warn you about.

But we have to paint on a smile, and let them live their life...

I think it's a case of 'if you love someone/something, set them free..... '

It'll be fine @Cocoagrowing Your son may be moving away, but I doubt he will stay far away forever. Most people don't, (IME.)

Oh, and I don't think there is any 'normal' for contact with adult children. Everyone, and every situation is different.

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My oldest moved out last year. He’s only about 15 minutes away, and I usually see him every week or so, but we don’t talk much in between. He’s never been very talkative, even in person, so I try to stay connected through texts. If I send him a question, a funny post, or a picture of something I’ve cooked, he always replies and will often do the same.

Things will be very different with my older daughter. We’re very close, spend a lot of time together, and talk constantly. When she moves out in a few months, I know she’ll call, text, and visit often.

My youngest is more like her brother, she doesn’t communicate with me so well. While he has a strong sense of responsibility and always checks in though, I worry she won’t. Luckily, she’s still a student, so her moving out is probably a few years away.

Overall, I think texting is the best way to stay in touch without being intrusive. They can choose when to reply, but the important thing is to keep trying. Kids are young and focused on their own lives, so it’s easy for them to get busy and forget. Good luck OP and take care.

I mean this gently but maybe don't refer to it as 'living away'. It is just living, somewhere different to you, but to them it's living together, not 'away'.

I appreciate I'm a bit sensitive to this as my MIL can be overbearing and clingy with her adult, married children (not saying you are at all). She still says 'John and Sarah live away' despite the fact they haven't lived in their hometown for 25 plus years and have families of their own.(And my MIL left home for the other side of the country at 18 and never went back so it's not like they're the first to do it!)

A lot of families don't live in the same area and in my experience it depends on the personalities and relationships involved as to level of contact.
I have 1 brother who barely contacts anyone but is lovely, kind and thoughtful and another who is really chatty and connected. My husband is really close to said MIL and despite 'living away' calls her a lot and WhatsApps on their family group.

Keep it light and breezy and cheerful I would say!

I have 5 adult children and we do lots of messaging on WhatsApp and Facebook messenger. We chat fairly regularly too, I’m one of the few people my children know who has a landline. They often chat driving home from work and I’m very lucky that my youngest DD phones me every weekday as she walks to work. She has a half hour walk and I’m retired so make a cup of tea and we chat away.

My DM calls me at 5pm every Saturday and I really wish she wouldn't tbh. Unfortunately she doesn't use texts and wouldn't have a clue about WhatsApp so i feel I have to answer.

I suspect it's a little harder because he lives at home now. Did he go to uni? How did you keep in touch then?
My adult sons both live away, though not that far. They are very different in terms of contact. One messages most days and sends me things of interest - links to music etc. The other not so much but he will ring me for a good chat every so often, maybe once a fortnight.
I have WhatsApp chats with each of them, plus a family chat.
I message quite often, try to keep it light and fun and it seems to work ok.
About once a year I book a nice cottage for DH and I and invite them, they are always happy to join us for a weekend.

I live far from my mum, we see each other about 5 times a year.

I hated the original timed monthly video calls, it felt like pressure, I wasn’t in the mood after work, on weekends I felt like I had to curb my weekend days out for it.

We get on much better with just a constant WhatsApp chat and visits. I’ll happily chat on WhatsApp once a day. We’ve fallen into just an ongoing WhatsApp convo.

I think my older mum would prefer a set 2 hour slot for a call on a Saturday or Sunday. But I’m not willing to commit to always being home every single week for a set time.

i hope she’s ok with the messages and me visiting 5 times a year. She’s very welcome to visit here every month if she wanted now she’s early 60s and not working. I’ve told her that, but as I still work 40-50 hours a week I’m not prepared to do that much travelling.

I used to call home (and reverse the charges) when I lived away in my twenties.
I also wrote letters and received replies poste restante.
Things are much easier now!
My kids are at uni and it’s a bit sporadic. I often initiate contact by sending photos of the daft dog or malevolent cat, which illicit a response, even if it’s only a laughing emoji.
Good luck. I think a little and often is the way to go.

I'm an old gimmer - 60-ish, and even I prefer WhatApp. You can have a really good chat for half an hour or more, but aren't restricted to 'being on the phone' and tied to non stop chatting... You can send gifs, and photos too. I send pics of the sunset, the birds, the woodland I'm walking through, the Christmas tree etc tec... and the DC send pics they have taking too... It's much more light and chilled than having to talk for an hour.

nb; we do see each other 3-4 times a month or so, if we only saw each other 2-3 times yearly, I may speak to them 'on the phone' a bit more often... But as we see each other about 3-4 times a month, we don't need to speak on the phone IYSWIM. We have WhatsApp contact about 4-5 days of the week though. Sometimes for half hour to 50 minutes, sometimes for 5 minutes.

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We're in a different time zone, but both have loosely set times and days for calling both sets of parents about 1x week. It has to wiel round hobbies and meal times at both ends, so we know roughly when everyone is free. We send photos of DS a couple of times per week via email or chat. My main advice would be try to abreast of communication technology. Trying to work with technophobes from a distance is a nightmare! If you won't use a modem app, don't expect photos etc.

What's reasonable is what you can both agree on. It will be different for different people.

I moved a continent away from my mum when I was in my 20s. I called her about once a month. My DH called his parents every week.

As the Internet grew we started doing more messaging (primarily email, back then) and less talking. This was much more frequent as far easier and more natural than a call. As with a previous poster, though, I realised at one point that I did all the initiating. When I stopped I didn't hear from my mother until my birthday. It's was pretty sporadic and infrequent after that until I had children.

I’d say set calls but don’t make it a duty for him. Just call him every Saturday when you get up for example. My dad and grandparents had set calls that were official when I was little but got more flexible as time went on. Not long after my dad started calling his brother and I’ve noticed my brother calls me Saturday nights.

Don’t worry if DS doesn’t answer, just send a text or a meme. You’ll find a rhythm eventually.

Maybe send short voice notes on WhatsApp every now and then, and they might reciprocate then. I do this with a friend who lives far away. We rarely manage to be both free at the same time to call but I love hearing her 'chat'. Its more personal than a text.

But keep them short. Not a 5 minute ramble down memory lane

I have 4 adult siblings, the closest of which is a 2-hour drive from our parents while I'm a 10 hour flight away. Contact with parents ranges from a phone call every couple of months to multiple facetime chats daily and it's all normal. It's also something that's evolved a lot for each of us as we've progressed through adulthood.

Keep a whatsapp going and focus it mostly on light things. Consider it utterly normal and healthy that your DS isn't discussing his love life with you. You can pick a scheduled time to call without making it a big pressured thing, which is what my dad does - he has a time every week that is convenient to him when he'll call, but it's understood that I'll only answer if I'm available and otherwise he'll leave a message ("Hi honey, just checking in on my way home from X. Love you and hope it's been a good week") and I'll either call back when I have some time or text something a little more substantial than the usual whatsapp stuff. It's nice because I know when to expect the call but I don't feel like I need to clear my schedule. It also means that neither of us need to spend energy feeling like we're not calling enough or promising ourselves "I'll call soon." It's just in built into his routine.

My DDs (mid twenties) don’t live that far away - they’re in London, we’re just outside - but I speak to both of them most days. They usually ring at some point in the evening for a quick chat (usually 5-15 mins), and we’re usually messaging on the family WhatsApp chat a few times a day as well.

They speak to DH on the phone usually once a week or so - he’s not really a fan of general chatting to the same extent, but he’s very good with financial/DIY/career advice, and they’ll call him for help when they’re having an issue in one of those categories.

I’m 37 and call my mum all the time now and message almost daily, but that definitely wasn’t the case when I first moved out as I was definitely too busy relishing my own independence. I do wish I’d called my mum more when I was a younger adult child but I couldn’t see at the time what it would have meant to her. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it might ebb and flow and don’t be disheartened if initially the contact isn’t that much, doesn’t mean it always has to be that way.

Its tricky if both of you have different expectations. I find my mothers need for constant contact to be controlling and suffocating. But on the other hand... I know shes lonely. But we've now got a situation where she's worried I'm always tired... but its her needs that are causing the exhaustion but I can't tell her that because of how she will react..

Families are just tricky. The important thing is for him to know that you will always support and be there for him.

My son texts me 9 out of ten mornings a ‘good morning’ and brief catch up, then I might get similar at night. My daughter is away at uni and I hear from her most days. We speak about three or four times a week.
In my youth it was a letter every once in a while, very lucky to get a phone call (only pay phones available).

We arranged a weekly call when our son moved out. Mainly to avoid the “it’s always me getting in touch” thing. We’ll WhatsApp in between or have a short chat if something comes up.
There’s a mutual understanding that the weekly call can be moved by either party without upsetting the other.

When I moved overseas and I still had my mum, I used to call her everyday, maybe even more than once just for few min to say whatever random thing I had in my mind. But we did have a best friend type of relationship. My husband now calls his mum once in every forthright as we live in a different country and they talk for like 2h everytime. He feels guilty hanging up. I told him that for me it’s healthier to call her for like 5 min every other day, check up on her etc. But he says he is too busy with our kids, work etc. But maybe it’s a boy / girl difference?! Don’t know! For me it was way of relaxing calling my mum rather than obligation.

I don’t think there is a normal. This thread will tell you that. For some a set routine works, for others it’s extremely suffocating and they come to resent it. Just have a frank conversation with your son. Tell him you love him and are really happy he’s starting this new chapter in his life. You’d love to keep in touch but ask what would work for him. Would he prefer if you text or call.

I think this is case in point that a conversation needs to happen between you and your son. Because he will have his own preference and so will you and you need to find a compromise together rather than relying on what's "normal" when there isn't really such thing.

I talk to my mum maybe three times a year. Sometimes she calls, sometimes I do. No issues with communication because once we call, we can easily spend two hours on the phone. We also message once every couple of weeks.
I call my aunt every time I have a free evening (my granny lives with her currently as well) and we chat for five hours on average at least once a week. We used to arrange a call, now I just ring whenever and if she can't make it, she tells me. She never calls me herself.
My granny used to call me once a month when she lived separately.

But we have what we jokingly call "family telegraph". If you speak to one person, everyone who needs to know will get updated on your news.

I'm very close to my adult (26) son.
We don't have a regular, set pattern. We mainly whatsapp (msg, not call).
There might be times when we're chatting frequently over the course of days, then there will be nothing for a couple of weeks. Then one of us will pick it up again.

During difficult periods of his life we agreed on a length of time I would go w/o hearing from him before I would worry and get in touch with his friends to check he was OK.

I think we would both find it stressful to have a regular time each week to call.

I live very far away from my mum, which I do regret but simply there is no work apart from tourist stuff where she lives (rural Scotland), I’d not be able to go back.

Our family group WhatsApp chat is super active so we text most days.
We call when needed really, any major updates or anything that needs planning.
We see each other 4/5 times a year in person