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Original poster

Negative feedback on pick up twice in a week

117 replies

Amy8 · 10/12/2025 19:58

DD is in Year 1 and has a quite strict teacher. This time the issue raised was “pinching”, and last time it was being a bit “controlling” in the playground.

I’ve asked a couple of parents whose DC she plays with and they’ve not noticed anything worrying. Their kids are fine with her and haven’t mentioned anything at home either.

DD herself is really happy at school — loves her class, comes out smiling, and even likes the teacher. I just wish the feedback we get felt a bit more balanced rather than always focusing on negatives.

We’ve reinforced boundaries at home, and I even told her off in front of the teacher. We also realised on one incident the friend did it back and wasn’t the say the teacher said it happened - so it’s hard to know what’s actually happened.

Is this just normal parenting stuff at this age, or something we should be more concerned about?

We’re more than ready for the holidays!
(please be kind with comments)

OP posts:
birdling · 10/12/2025 20:02

We don't have time to give 'balanced feedback'. Your child did something wrong, that's what needs addressing.

60sCoffeeTable · 10/12/2025 20:04

Ime teachers are more likely to underreport negative stuff in school than over report it, so I’d take that seriously and address it with your child.

Teachers are really busy and have 30 kids in their class. They mostly feedback only if there’s an issue, they are asked to, or if the kid has done something really stand out amazing on the odd occasion. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect ‘balanced’ feedback. If you’re concerned do ask for a meeting and they will then be able to talk things through with you and will most likely tell you many positive things about your daughter as well.

ShyTealBiscuit · 10/12/2025 20:07

The way you've written this sounds like you think the teacher is being unreasonable for telling you about your DD's poor behaviour. Neither pinching nor being controlling are acceptable. You need to work with the teacher and back them up at home. As a PP said, teachers usually go very soft on the feedback, to save parents feelings. So your DD's behaviour may well be worse than you think.

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TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2025 20:14

Pinching and controlling behaviour needs nipping in the bud asap, you're likely to get a balanced review at parent evening when they have more time.

AllKindsOfThingsAreInteresting · 10/12/2025 20:14

DD is in Year 1 and has a quite strict teacher
Hhhhmmm... so you are straight away putting the teacher in a box. Would you prefer a teacher who tolerated pinching and controlling behaviour (which could, unchecked, lead to friendship issues)?

I’ve asked a couple of parents whose DC she plays with and they’ve not noticed anything worrying. Their kids are fine with her and haven’t mentioned anything at home either.

What does this mean? You think the teacher is making it up?

We also realised on one incident the friend did it back

And? Two wrongs don't make a right and maybe the teacher also talked to that parent?

I am not sure what you are trying to gain from trying to second guess, down play or ignore this feedback. Your daughter is very young and it is the perfect time to help her navigate the playground successfully.

PerspicaciaTick · 10/12/2025 20:18

Your DD is showing signs of being a bit of a bully. The teacher is hoping you will nip it in the bud BEFORE other parents are actively complaining about her behaviour.

You need to talk to her and keep reminding her about not hurting people, sharing, turn taking etc.

easytoremember · 10/12/2025 20:21

Take the professional, state-funded advice that you pay your taxes for. You are lucky your DD has an engaged teacher who cares about her development. Try and take it that way, rather than as an attack.

Evergreen21 · 10/12/2025 20:25

You are being defensive. The teacher isnt criticising you or your parenting. She's being factual about your dd's behaviour. Yes she is young but pinching affects other kids and not all will retaliate back. Also being controlling and dictating play could lead to other kids choosing to play away from her.

Instead of going on the defensive about her being a strict teacher I'd work on your child's behaviour. Just straight up telling her off might not be the best approach you maybe need to talk to her about how her actions make other people feel. She might be slow to understand but you can keep reinforcing it. If you keep on looking at it as kids being kids and the teacher being overtly strict then nothing will change. Accept the feedback and help your child. It isn't the teacher in the wrong.

FofB · 10/12/2025 20:36

Honestly- what do you expect the other parents to actually say? Yes, your child is the bane of my daughters life? Yes, she pinches and she is mean? Most parents are way too polite to come out and say that child xxx is a little madam who thinks she can be in charge of everyone.

Of course, she may be perfectly fine- but if you think that most parents are going to just come out and say 'xxx' is a disruptive little so and so- to your face- then you are wrong. If you are then using this 'evidence' to bolster your argument that she isn't as bad as she has been made out to be- then you really aren't going to do her any favours. These people will have to see you for the next 6 years at the school gate- they don't want to get into confrontation and live with the awkwardness forevermore.

FuzzyWolf · 10/12/2025 20:40

In my experience, it takes quite a lot for a teacher to actually raise an incident with a parent which means it’s gone beyond normal behaviour by a reasonable margin and it’s now showing a pattern as you keep needing to be told.

Work with the school, accept what they are telling you (other parents won’t be honest because it puts them in an awkward position) and home behaviour is normally different.

greenmarsupial · 10/12/2025 20:45

It’s not nursery, the ratios are much higher and the teachers generally only report to you outside of parent evenings if there is a specific issue.

Don’t involve other parents- it will create issues long after the behaviour has resolved. Listen to the teacher and reinforce what they say.

Original poster
Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:54

Thanks mums net
missed the be kind bit

she is 5 years old and has never hurt a child - and no child has complained or cried about being hurt

i don’t think she likes my child

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:54

greenmarsupial · 10/12/2025 20:45

It’s not nursery, the ratios are much higher and the teachers generally only report to you outside of parent evenings if there is a specific issue.

Don’t involve other parents- it will create issues long after the behaviour has resolved. Listen to the teacher and reinforce what they say.

She’s in private
only 12 kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:56

FuzzyWolf · 10/12/2025 20:40

In my experience, it takes quite a lot for a teacher to actually raise an incident with a parent which means it’s gone beyond normal behaviour by a reasonable margin and it’s now showing a pattern as you keep needing to be told.

Work with the school, accept what they are telling you (other parents won’t be honest because it puts them in an awkward position) and home behaviour is normally different.

err No she did it to her best friend who did it straight back - what’s the reasonable margin, she actually told me two days after the incident

also she’s a known negative strict teacher -
as reported by older kids parents . That’s why I called her strict

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:57

You are all jumping to assumptions ! crazy !
so easier we turn on a 5 yo who has never done anything in nursery or reception than a new teacher with a history of offending and labelling ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:58

FofB · 10/12/2025 20:36

Honestly- what do you expect the other parents to actually say? Yes, your child is the bane of my daughters life? Yes, she pinches and she is mean? Most parents are way too polite to come out and say that child xxx is a little madam who thinks she can be in charge of everyone.

Of course, she may be perfectly fine- but if you think that most parents are going to just come out and say 'xxx' is a disruptive little so and so- to your face- then you are wrong. If you are then using this 'evidence' to bolster your argument that she isn't as bad as she has been made out to be- then you really aren't going to do her any favours. These people will have to see you for the next 6 years at the school gate- they don't want to get into confrontation and live with the awkwardness forevermore.

She’s a likeable and social child - has friends
so i asked parents of her friends

they were shocked to hear

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2025 20:59

birdling · 10/12/2025 20:02

We don't have time to give 'balanced feedback'. Your child did something wrong, that's what needs addressing.

Hi Mrs Chaney!

I assume it's you because hopefully there aren't two of you! Managed to get through a whole year with DD without a single positive remark. Ruined her relationship with learning and it took us years (and several good teachers) to repair it.

More than a decade later she's a delight, loved by all her teachers. No thanks to that witch.

OnlyReplyToIdiots · 10/12/2025 21:02

Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:54

Thanks mums net
missed the be kind bit

she is 5 years old and has never hurt a child - and no child has complained or cried about being hurt

i don’t think she likes my child

”Never hurt a child”

*except the child(ren) she pinches.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/12/2025 21:03

Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:57

You are all jumping to assumptions ! crazy !
so easier we turn on a 5 yo who has never done anything in nursery or reception than a new teacher with a history of offending and labelling ?

Why are you asking MN then?
Why send her to a private school with such teachers?

Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2025 21:03

Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:54

Thanks mums net
missed the be kind bit

she is 5 years old and has never hurt a child - and no child has complained or cried about being hurt

i don’t think she likes my child

Which be kind bit?
The bit where we just tell you what you want to hear?
The teacher will not bee making this up, no judgement I had a biter but you need to listen and talk to your DD about it - no need to get heavy just remind her to be kind rather than complain MN isn't
Also, don't ask other parents about it, it won't make you any friends

arcticpandas · 10/12/2025 21:03

Amy8 · 10/12/2025 20:54

Thanks mums net
missed the be kind bit

she is 5 years old and has never hurt a child - and no child has complained or cried about being hurt

i don’t think she likes my child

That's not true though- the teacher said she pinched someone.

The teacher has told you that she misbehaved twice- she didn't say anything about your daughter being horrible or anything else that could make you think that she dislikes your child.

I get that it's hard to hear that your child is capable of hurting others. All children are. What's important is how it's dealt with so it stops. What will not help is you questioning the motives behind the teacher telling you about her behaviour or trying to make it out as the teacher dislikes your child. Nor asking other parents if they noticed something- they don't work in school so how would they have noticed anything?

What you can do that will help: talk to your daughter about why she behaved the way she did and make it clear that it's not acceptable. Work with the teacher- not against her. You both want your daughter to behave correctly. Please do not be that mul whose child can do no wrong.

WimpoleHat · 10/12/2025 21:06

Look - I know this must be hard to hear, but in my experience, private school teachers are especially bad at brushing things under the carpet or minimising these kind of incidents (because it’s in their interest to keep everyone happy). I would suspect that the teacher speaking to you means there has been some sort of complaint from another parent; I can’t believe that she would speak to you in the very first instance. (Fair play to her if she did - much better to address these things directly rather than let it build up into a huge issue.)

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/12/2025 21:10

The fact the teacher has mentioned it means it has come to be more serious

as in it wasn’t just the once

so a chat needs to be had with dd

the teacher is helping you /her

Buscobel · 10/12/2025 21:13

You wanted people to be kind and I don’t think you’ve had the responses you wanted.

You e made a quite negative decision about your child’s teacher, despite the fact that you say your daughter likes her and likes school.

I agree that you need a serious conversation with your daughter and if there are things that need addressing, better now than later. You do seem to be quite defensive and it will be in everyone’s interests to develop a positive relationship with the teacher, so you can work together to give your daughter a positive experience.

ShyTealBiscuit · 10/12/2025 21:18

Ok OP, carry on ignoring your DD's behaviour and blaming the teacher. Enjoy watching it escalate until you get to the point where you've raised a bully.

Sorry but, as someone who's kids are always kind to others and just get through school behaving themselves, parents like you really annoy me. My DS is being bullied by another boy in his class who's parents think their DC can do no wrong. And guess what....the first incident was pinching in Y1.