Negative feedback on pick up twice in a week

[Amy8]

DD is in Year 1 and has a quite strict teacher. This time the issue raised was “pinching”, and last time it was being a bit “controlling” in the playground.

I’ve asked a couple of parents whose DC she plays with and they’ve not noticed anything worrying. Their kids are fine with her and haven’t mentioned anything at home either.

DD herself is really happy at school — loves her class, comes out smiling, and even likes the teacher. I just wish the feedback we get felt a bit more balanced rather than always focusing on negatives.

We’ve reinforced boundaries at home, and I even told her off in front of the teacher. We also realised on one incident the friend did it back and wasn’t the say the teacher said it happened - so it’s hard to know what’s actually happened.

Is this just normal parenting stuff at this age, or something we should be more concerned about?

We’re more than ready for the holidays!
(please be kind with comments)

Have you asked her why she pinched the other child in the first place?

What is it that you are hoping to get out of this thread?

The teacher told you your daughter was misbehaving. You clearly believed the teacher and believed your daughter would misbehave in that way because you told her off yourself.

What do you want people to say?

Yes she snatched something from her

i find the whole you have a naughty child deal with it responses really unhelpful

so I suppose I’m looking for just about anything that isn’t a response like yours

also told her off as it’s my natural reaction
I respect her opinion and authority

but after it didn’t make sense

I didn't say you had a naughty child. I asked what you wanted from the thread as it isn't clear.

Your edited response makes more sense.

If the teacher brings the subject up again, my advice would be to say "Thank you for letting me know. I'll talk to DD when we get home." Don't get drawn into a knee-jerk reaction. At home, ask open questions. "Why do you think Mrs X thinks you pinched Child Y?" Or my favourite for sorting sibling arguments "If I ask [sibling/child Y] what happened, what do you think they would say?" Rather than a telling off, I found asking my kids to tell me how the other child might have felt was more effective. And make sure they know to tell a trusted adult if something happens to them that they don't like.

It isn't about telling her off, punishing her and marching about making her apologise. It certainly isn't about labelling her as naughty.
It is about about giving her consistent messages over a long time, modelling the behaviour you want to see and working with the teacher so you are reinforcing the same social lessons.
Your DD is very young. She is currently learning about how to get along socially. She has probably already worked out some really positive, helpful skills but she is also experimenting with some less positive skills to get her friends to play how she wants. This isn't because she is naughty, she just needs support working out what is acceptable and what isn't.

Teacher dilemma. Do you tell the parent about the child’s behaviour and deal with this kind of reaction?
Or deal with it yourself and when the behaviour escalates and you have to tell them then hear, “Well no one told me there was a problem!”

Other parents won’t tell you your child is a monster!

I don't think pinching and controlling behaviour are normal for a 5 year old. Her being small doesn't change anything.

It sounds like you are trying to address it, which is good. I would make sure you don't give your daughter the impression that this is a "strict teacher" issue. Her behaviour is unacceptable and, if she continues, she won't be popular as she gets older and other children become more capable of telling her to leave them alone.

Good grief

Another parent who can’t or won’t accept their child has done something wrong and is blaming the teacher/school

OP - just go ahead and and enable this and see what sort of child they grow into - interesting you are defensive and seem upset that MN responds have not aligned to your view

Did you expect to be told that behaviour was ok? Or that we all somehow think they teacher is a bad teacher/wrong - step up and parent your child

This, especially when it’s now coming across as her pinching and pushing is being seen by you as “”aw bless, you’re teeny, tiny you go girl being assertive with all the big huge others!”
she is the youngest and wonder if her emotional development just a little behind also she’s small ! Like tiny compared to her peers - so may be asserting herself where she can’t physically , I know no one’s complained for a fact

Children understand - stern ‘No’ from a young age so I don’t buy ‘emotional development’
and where does a five year old learn controlling behaviour….

The fact you said ‘I even told her off’ suggests you aren’t taking this behaviour seriously. Asking other parents is unfair, they’re not going to tell you honestly for fear of upsetting you or your child. Maybe, just maybe you could think what is my child doing I need to stop. Being a ‘bit controlling’ isn’t very nice, year 1 are old enough to learn that behaviour like that is unkind. Think of the poor child/children she’s pinched and been controlling to.

Honestly OP, as a teacher, it’s really hard when parents repeat they’re little, they’re so sweet, everyone loves them, they’re tired etc. No child is perfect so be more open to the fact your child (at the moment) has it in her to be unkind when not getting what she wants. Teach her to seek out adult support rather than pinch or control.

You asked if this typical and in nursery, sometimes with 3 year olds, much less often in reception and I’d be surprised in year 1 and above.

You say the teacher is strict. I can’t tell you how many parents don’t parent these days and as a result you end up with children who are used to doing what they want when they want.

You really don’t want to hear people’s opinions if they don’t agree with you! Look, teachers don’t enjoy mentioning negatives to parents at the end of the day. We’ve been working for 7 hours at that point and have a ton more stuff to do. It also involves getting negative kick ga k from parents like you. So if they’re taking the time to say there’s a problem, believe it and address it.

The most likely explanation is that the events did happen.

This teacher may raise things with parents after a single incident where others wait and see if develops to a pattern. Neither approach is right or wrong. The latter makes for an easier life with parents, but can make issues harder to deal with later.

It sounds like you think these events which you see as out of character might be because you’re daughter is struggling to respond appropriately. So while reinforcing the message on Whats not acceptable is good, may also need to work with her on what are appropriate responses. Eg. Telling a member of staff, or stamping feet ratger than pushing or pinching.

Again - in my experience, private schools are incredibly slippery about these sorts of things. By asking the teacher if there has been “a complaint”, you mean “has anyone else raised this as an issue with you?”. Whereas she could easily wriggle out of that by saying “oh - I had a little chat with Mrs X about this and said I’d keep an eye on it. At no time did Mrs X make a formal complaint….”. Remember - these people are always incentivised to keep everyone happy for as long as they possibly can….

Ask for a call, OP, and talk to the teacher about it. We all love our kids but you can't just assume the teacher is lying or wrong about this. It might not involve a child whose parents you know.

‘Not my little Johnny’ syndrome.

You are doing your child a great disservice by insisting they can do no wrong.

She has been noticed pinching another child and being pushy with others. Be grateful the teacher is observant.

So being kind (I clearly missed the memo where I had to be kind to everyone) means only telling people what they want to hear.

It’s not that the teacher doesn’t like your child but that she is physically hurting other children and you need know.

Every single word of this. So many children these days never hear the word ‘no’ that it brings them up rather short when they get told it at school.

Actually in my experience, private schools are even more reluctant to give negative feedback. If your child in happy in class there is no reason to believe the teacher dislikes her

Many years ago, I used to look after a child in pre school that was bright clever and had lots of friends. Parents both teachers. She started controlling a little shy child. Telling him to stay where he was playing and not get up till she told him too. In a room of 30 plus kids it’s full on but we did spot it eventually. That child never said anything to anyone. He just carried on and did what he was told.

She was four. We were shocked and parents were too at that kind of behaviour so young.

Just because children don’t tell their parents what happens it doesn’t mean overpowering children don’t exist. Because they do. It may be part of growing up and testing boundaries and social skills friendships etc. Teacher is right to report.

My son had a teacher he couldn’t do anything right with. She was sending him and other children to other classes daily, and when he told me the names of the classmates it was happening with, it seemed very hard to believe they could be causing such huge problems.

I don’t automatically side with my child if an issue is reported (quite the opposite), but when you looked at all the other children she was having issues with, it just didn’t add up. Then it came out she was screaming and shouting at them regularly and locking herself in the store cupboard for a cry. Yes, I felt sorry for her because she wasn’t much more than a kid fresh out of uni and clearly couldn’t cope. However, when I started opening up with other parents I found out the whole class was having issues. Not only had my son’s performance slid, but some of them were dipping below acceptable levels of achievement for their age. It was so bad, the school provided outside hours tutoring for some children the next year to get them back up to scratch.

My son has had absolutely no issues this school year, just as he didn’t the year before he joined her class.

I don’t know what’s going on with your child, op, and I’d definitely keep working with her. But his idea portrayed by other posters that all teachers are right, and good, and efficient, and fair, and basically 😇 Good luck with that! My daughter attended a nursery attached to another school. We soon switched when I heard one of the teachers wailing at the students like a banshee one afternoon. When I was at school, that was par for the course, obviously, but it does still happen now, even if it shouldn’t.

Yes the lack of any kind of positive feedback is what did it with our son. They had a class competition once. They had to write or illustrate a book. He spent hours on it and it was brilliant. She didn’t even look at it. I asked her to and was told it was someone else’s job! The same thing with several of his classmates who were equally upset. My daughter actually copied his book in her class, handed it in, and her teacher was waiting after school to tell me how brilliant it was. My son was there too and it was heartbreaking!

I’m sorry, but there are bad teachers out there and anyone who thinks otherwise is living in cloud cuckoo land, particularly if they work in the profession, they should be able to see it for themselves. This is one teacher out of 7 my children have been taught by I would add. Several of those have been fantastic, a couple good, but she really was not good at her job at all - there’s no way round it.

OP, what started ringing alarm bells with me with the fact that EVERYONE seemed to be getting into trouble. And sending them to another class regularly. And crying at work at least once a week. She clealy couldn’t cope.

I feel other parents are having issue but it’s a competitive and closed environment
and also seems quite defensive on other matters

shes Has had a lot of complaints as I’ve been told by year 6 parents they’d never pick her as a year one teacher again