Negative feedback on pick up twice in a week

[Amy8]

DD is in Year 1 and has a quite strict teacher. This time the issue raised was “pinching”, and last time it was being a bit “controlling” in the playground.

I’ve asked a couple of parents whose DC she plays with and they’ve not noticed anything worrying. Their kids are fine with her and haven’t mentioned anything at home either.

DD herself is really happy at school — loves her class, comes out smiling, and even likes the teacher. I just wish the feedback we get felt a bit more balanced rather than always focusing on negatives.

We’ve reinforced boundaries at home, and I even told her off in front of the teacher. We also realised on one incident the friend did it back and wasn’t the say the teacher said it happened - so it’s hard to know what’s actually happened.

Is this just normal parenting stuff at this age, or something we should be more concerned about?

We’re more than ready for the holidays!
(please be kind with comments)

she Didn’t speak with her about why

does the cause not matter ?

She did two things wrong and you got two bits of feedback that represented that. If at parents' evening there's nothing but negative, I'd maybe think again, but if your child had been pinched, would you expect the teacher to temper her feedback to the pincher's parents by saying 'your kid pinched someone today.... but also do bear in mind she's very smiley and confident' or do you think maybe that would diminish the important message there?

I’m not even siding with my kid
her dad really told her off - maybe a bit good cop bad cop at home but we find it works and I’m not strict

she was so upset and then today has a tummy ache before school

No, you just shouldn't pinch people.

you never did? If so, at what age are you supposed to learn it isn't an adequate way to express your anger? surely at 5, we need to encourage and nurture her into this - its the first time ever, the incident on Monday was sepatate and a game of chase where i was told a boy fell (by her and her friend when chasing), but teacher said she pulled him down. He's enormous! she's a wee little girl, youngest in year.

anyway, not going to win or garner sympathy and i think i'll continue nurturing my child, teaching her yes it was wrong but to communicate rather than be physical and pray her teacher softens a little.

the bottom of my mind i think she doesn't love her job - she is always miserable in fact

I can't remember if I did or not, but if I had I'd have been told off and told that it's not ok to pinch people! You should learn it's not "an adequate way to express your anger" the first time you do it, by being told as much, surely?

How often are you going to use the ‘she’s tiny, the smallest one!’ As an excuse? What about next year when there’s younger and GASP smaller children? If she gets pushed, pinched, hit by one of them will you still be “aw bless” and not expect the school to do/say anything?

Actually this is a good point. My DD has a “friend” like the OPs child - snatching, pushing… this wee girl also tells lies. Her mother swears blind she is the sweetest little girl and the lack of discipline is shocking. It’s “permissive parenting” at its worst. My DDs friend is the one who’s suffering now as other children don’t want to play with her. My DD has said she doesn’t want any more play dates with this girl… so Op isn’t doing her child any favours with this defensiveness. And I doubt op would take it well if another parent was blunt with her !

My daughter had no pinching sussed while she was 3. It was briefly her way of showing frustration and anger. We taught her other responses.

Now we know she knows it’s not ok to deliberately hurt others, she’d get a proper telling off. Early days while learning that was more a redirect ane educate than telling off. Year 1 should have ‘hurting people deliberately is not ok’ well understood.

I think I get you, op.

Pinching - fine.

Controlling can be a bit of a grey area. And not sure what the teacher expects you to do about it - at this age, correcting behave needs to happen as and when it’s manifested. Telling your child off for controlling later, and without the full context, will just be an empty lecture, that won’t make much sense to her.

Children need the grown-up in charge of watching them for most of the day to teach them behaviour and social skills at the moment (in many wonderful, playful, creative ways).
Teaching shouldn’t be just observing, judging as acceptable and not, and passing on to the parent ‘to nip in the bud’.

Omg, my dc had a teacher ‘wailing like a banshee’ last year. Your post made me laugh because that’s such an accurate description. Should’ve put that in the ofsted survey we got asked to complete.

Teachers generally under report not to be dealing with parents defensiveness around their kids being criticised and other parents rarely say anything for the same reason and because they don’t get paid to handle parents defensiveness around their child’s behaviour.

Do with that information what you have the capacity for.

This! We had the same thing with biting. My daughter wouldn’t dream of doing that now she’s at school. She does however have a bossy friend who pushes her around (sometimes literally) and because we’ve made a massive thing about how she should be kind, she struggles to deal with it.

So 5 year olds can’t understand that they shouldn’t hurt others and it’s the teacher’s fault because she’s always ‘miserable’?

You don't think parents and teachers need to be on the same page about tackling behavioural issues so they can take a consistent approach?

You can't see any issue in a teacher telling a child it's not ok to pinch or exhibit controlling behaviour and the child's parent totally disregarding that and telling the child they are so tiny so of course it's ok to pinch and be controlling?

I'm not a teacher but I feel for them if there are really parents out there spouting this sort of nonsense.

Absolutely. Parents who overlook, or even enable, this sort of unkind behaviour are doing their children a massive disservice. It's their children who will be heartbroken when other children stop playing with them at school and they stop getting invited to play dates and birthday parties.

I'm not a teacher but I feel for them if there are really parents out there spouting this sort of nonsense.

Yes, it would be enough to make you present as though you are always miserable and don't enjoy your job, wouldn't it?

Yes basically find her disengaged and disinterested in the kids - I’m not the only one

I know plenty of teachers who wouldn’t react that way though

I would be heartbroken

but it’s the opposite and I’ve been told so

What's the opposite of what?

It's not a problem now because your daughter and her peers are 5 years old. 5 year olds will pretty much be friends with anyone. The problem will come later on when the children are a little bit older and more aware of what is and is not acceptable behaviour, and that they not only don't have to be friends with everyone but they can specifically choose not to be friends with children who behave in a way they don't like. This will start as soon as next year for the more mature children.

If I were you, I would make a solid effort to correct my daughter's behaviour before she has to learn the hard way.

Talk to your child about what she could do instead of pinching. For example, tell her to tell a teacher the next time a child snatches something from her, or tell her to use her words, instead of physically hurting the other child. It takes time, but she will learn to control her response eventually.

Maybe you haven’t done a very good job of choosing good school, or the right one for your child. You’ve picked one that employs teachers who don’t like individual five year old girls and who also lie to parents.

If I thought my five year old child was going to be in a room for six hours a day five days a week with an adult who didn’t like them and who told lies about them then I wouldn’t come to MN to talk about it. I’d have removed my child the same day.

So the teacher is engaged and disinterested (your words). Why would she bother talking to you about this? What does she get from it? Why not just scoot back inside and say nothing?