Would you accept a lift from a nice man in the middle of nowhere?

[Angelic999]

Out on a remote countryside walk alone as a woman, it starts raining. A man stops in his car to offer a lift. Would you say yes?

This happened to me recently. I said no thank you. He then proceeded to question me about where I was going. He seemed nice enough but I wasn't willing to take the risk to get in a car with a complete stranger (Ian Brady anyone?!)

Part of my female conditioning has been to then feel guilty that I have offended him! But then surely he should have more awareness. Although maybe it's just friendly country folk being genuine!

I probably would have. I've just really shocked myself by admitting that.

It's easy for men to say they never would have. It's easy to have hindsight after the event, now we know what we know. It was covid lockdown and all our perceptions of risk were skewed. The scumbag policeman in that case was NOT clearly dodgy. Sarah Everard thought she was doing the right thing.

Let's not forget that after this horrible event, the advice given to women was to "be streetwise about when they can be arrested and when they can’t be arrested. She should never have been arrested and submitted to that."

It's the worst kind of victim blaming.

Advice included:
-getting a policeman's ID and then calling 999 to check he was genuine. I mean, WTF?

-flagging down a bus if feeling unsafe on the street, even if not at a bus stop. Yeah, because every bus driver is just going to stop randomly for you! Again, WTF?

Yes, in cases such as Sarah Everard’s and offences committed by police or army officers it is another level of pressure to comply when the man (perpetrator) is in a classic position of formal authority.

(Also applies when the perpetrator has less formal authority/power: church leaders, senior businessmen, royalty etc)

You need to un-condition yourself. That is the way many horror start.

100% this. ^

YANBU
Any decent man knows that a male stranger randomly stopping and offering a lift is going to be intimidating to a woman.
You did the right thing by refusing. The fact that he went on to question you after you had politely refused his offer is definitely suspicious.
I'd be tempted to advise the local Police in that area (though tbh my confidence in the Police is at an all time low so doubt they'd so anything with that info).
The feeling of guilt for refusing any man's offer of 'help' (or indeed saying 'no' to a man) is unfortunately conditioned into females from a very early age. It's a societal thing. But our gut instincts about a situation should never be ignored. Not all rapists/weirdos/abusers look odd/rough/threatening ... which is how they get away with it.

I have had that a few times. I walk to work and have had a few men stop and offer me lifts. I always say that I am trying to get my steps in and refuse. To be fair they always told no as a no and moved on.

A nice man? Sure. But in the situation you're describing you have absolutely no way of knowing if he's a nice man or not.

I'm honestly shocked and a bit sickened by some of the misogynistic comments on here from a few posters. Accusing women of being over the top, and of overreacting, and 'how can you be so mean to da poor menz?!' Like 'chill, and relaaaax hun, da menz aren't out to get ya!'

Some really worrying, victim-blaming comments too. I can see that a few posters are getting butthurt by the comments about how you shouldn't just trust every man, and should always be on your guard, because they have sons, but the victim blaming and misogyny from a few on here is shocking.

Here's the thing... I have never felt threatened by - or scared of any woman that I have been alone with in any given place. I have been worried quite a few times when I have been alone with men. I have also never been attacked or assaulted by a woman. However, like many MANY women, I have been attacked and assaulted by a man. A number of times.

So do not, I repeat DO NOT tell me that I should not be wary of men...

I always had something up my sleeve, like “thanks but my husband will along any minute to pick me up, he’s just phoned”. Or when I was walking my dog in the woods alone years ago, I noticed a man who appeared to be following me, so I called out through the trees, in a different direction “ Hi Dave, I’m just over here” and then do silly stuff like saying to the dog, in a loud voice “ there’s Daddy, come on let’s see Daddy” .

No way. How can you possibly tell if a man is 'a nice man' just by looking at him? Some of the most unpleasant men I have encountered over my 62 years have looked 'nice'.

Good grief no, I like life.

No I wouldn’t unsolicited but I have got a lift off a contractor working on a car park in the Peak District who asked me if I was ok (I was limping) made a fuss of my dog and asked if I had anyone who could pick me up, I said it was 2 miles to the station and accepted his lift, yes a risk but calculated, not the same as someone stopping. I have stopped and picked up a group of youngsters who had missed the last bus and were walking the 2.5 hours to our town, 3 young women i recognised as 6th formers, they hesitated but remembered me from my work, and i dropped them home, had a visit on my next shift from a grateful mum with a bunch of flowers (they hadn’t realised cabs are as rare as hens teeth here on weekends, you have to prebook)

Fred West….
In 1971 I went on a field course for A level Geography, in north Wales with a school friend, the train journey involved multiple train changes and we were in Birmingham late in the evening heading for Bristol.
We were having a coffee and a man approached us asking where we were going and we said Bristol. He said he had his car outside and was also going to Bristol, needless to say we declined. He became increasingly insistent that we go with him and grabbed my arm. There were very few people about but luckily a couple of security men saw us and came towards us, the man ran off.
The security guys checked we were ok and stayed with us until our train arrived, made sure that the train guard was nearby and aware of what had happened.
To this day, 50+ years later I can recall every detail and I am 100% sure it was Fred West. Years later I remember seeing his photo on television or in the paper and every time I felt utterly sick.

Yes I think I would have, I think many of us would

Men often struggle to understand how different our conditioning has been

I am so pleased that younger women are being informed that they do not always have to be nice or understanding, but when faced with authority you are in a completely different situation. It was so ingrained in me to be polite. I would second guess myself and question had I misjudged the situation.

The message was often also that you are safer being polite as being aggressive may make a man more aggressive (though sometimes this may keep you safer this shouldn't be taught as it will keep you safer)

Nope. Remember how Ted Bundy appeared to be a nice, charming and good looking man...

That is terrifying Zippedydodah

you do often remember their faces and details when something even if fleeting happens that frightens us, I am sorry for your experience and that it has stayed with you (understandably)

I wouldn’t get in a car with an acquaintance in the town, now.
I was walking home one rainy night from the bar I worked part time and a customer I saw several times a week offered me a lift. I declined but he kept insisting and I finally accepted…to be driven 4 miles out into the countryside and assaulted. Not seriously…I was pretty strong and he eventually gave up. I was young…told him my family were high up police and if I wasn’t home on time, the whole police force would be looking for me…now, if anyone missed me, that would have been true but in fact, nobody even noticed I was 2 hours late lol.
I could have been found on that building site or in a ditch had it been someone really evil, rather than some Tosser trying it on.
So no, trust no one.

I was out on one sunny summer day a few months later and passed a garden with a blonde woman and a man enjoying the sun. It was him. I’d found where he lived …he went bright red in the face. I’d not seen him in the intervening time…obviously he was embarrassed and stayed away.

No. Happened to me once and I told him no several times and then told him to eff off. I took a picture of his car and went to uni services the next day with it as was concerned he might have targeted other students. That road itself is busy with cars and usually buses but it was the one time I was alone without anyone at the bus stop and dark. It was a toss up of a 15 minute walk from uni to the bus stop and then literally a 5 minute walk home. Or 2 minutes to a different bustop and then 15 minute walk to my house.

My girls are only little but I already tell them they don't have to do things they don't want to just for the sake of being polite. Noones feelings matter when it comes to your safety and we have intuition for a reason or 'spidey' senses as I have explained to them.

You are so blinded by your privilege as the mother of a boy that you don't even realise how deluded you are.

I would, and have.

I also have been the person offering a lift in the torrential rain on a quiet road in the middle of the country.

Maybe make a point of taking a picture of his car no. plate and telling man that you'll just phone your DH and tell him you've got a lift to save him worrying.

No, I wouldn’t get in the car with him. Glad you didn’t. I would also try to politely deflect any follow up questions about where I was going. Or probing if I was sure I didn’t need a lift really.

There’s a big spectrum of crappy male behaviour in this sort of situation. He might not have been a full on serial killer, probably not. Maybe he ‘only’ wanted to rant to a captive audience about his marriage going wrong, or talk in an uncomfortably sexual way to a woman who can’t easily leave the conversation. Maybe he was keen on an excuse to follow you about and find you again after, because he would see you as owing him your attention now. He did you such a big favour after all.

Or he could have been intending to drive with you to another location and assault you. Has happened to multiple people in this thread, it’s awful but common

My son picked up a couple of hitchhikers earlier this year, apparently it's making a bit of comeback

Out on a remote countryside walk alone as a woman, it starts raining. A man stops in his car to offer a lift. Would you say yes?

Absolutely not. Wouldn't advise a lone man to get in either. You would be putting yourself in the path of potential danger.

The fact he started questioning where you were headed would have set my spidey senses off. In his position I would have just said 'OK' and driven off.

A long time ago, as a solo driver, I would pick up women hitchhkers (and once a young teenage boy) but I don't think I would do that now. Wouldn't be prepared to take the risk.

@deeahgwitch apologies for the delay… I believe it was Sean Bean.

Nice to hear @Carpedimum