Why did you have children?

[whatsnewpussycat34]

Not a goading post, I promise.

Ive popped over from the childfree board because although I was a good 90% set on being child free, I’m having a wobble. My 38 year old ovaries are pumping out last chance saloon hormones and I’m finding myself brooding.

My history is that I did TTC for a while, but it didn’t happen so was offered help, but didn’t go ahead. We just said it wasn’t meant to be and I was actually quite relieved when we made that decision as I was always on the fence.

Anyway, I know all my reasoning for wanting to stay child free (like 64% during this hormonal surge I’m having) but if you were always dead set on having children, can I ask what made you think or feel
that?

thanks!

For me it was just something that I always knew I wanted. It is almost like saying “how did you decide that you wanted to breathe”? It was a very deep need inside me. Completely illogical (we had a great life pre kids) and yet completely right for me.

Theyre just so damn cute.

i also wanted that “family unit” / little tribe. And the experience of nurturing a child through to adulthood, being by their side as their character emerges. It was also just kind of an urge that I can’t put into words — a persistent feeling that I would have missed out on a huge life experience, I suppose.

Just was something I knew was for me

I will say that my dd has woken up and will likely be awake for hours 😭😭

But it was just something that was going to happen, I knew since I was a kid

I did think id have more than one though. Maybe if my life had worked out differently. One and done, despite the wobbles I get when I see a baby

I'm not sure ive helped, sorry x

It was something that happened very suddenly at 29/30. I don’t even like children but I became desperate to get pregnant. I have two teenagers and still don’t like children that much but can’t imagine my life without my own. They are great company. I have lots of child free friends and envy their freedom and money at times but I have no regrets about becoming a parent.

Mostly because we thought it was the thing to do, and we thought we might regret it if we didn’t and all our friends were having them.

No regrets. But we’d have been equally happy (and significantly richer) if we’d not bothered.

I wanted to be a mummy and have a baby from my very first memories. My dolls were my babies as far back as I can remember. It was entirely visceral.

I didn't get married until I was nearly 32 and first baby at 34 but had I met the right man sooner it would have been sooner.

All the best with it.

Don't know is the honest answer. Don't think I ever actually made a conscious decision to have children or not. It just happened when it did and I went with it, they're teens now and if I had to rewrite history I'd do it all again. I've cant say ive ever felt 'broody'. Always been "meh' about other people's kids/baby's, but looking back i absolutely cherish having had ny own.

I never wanted children, never held a baby til my own, don't find kids cute, married on the agreement that I probably didn't want them.

Part of it was knowing dh did. Part of it was romanticising the fun bits - I love reading stories, doing crafts, baking, etc. Part of it was just it's what people do. I also suspect my aversion to kids was the oppositional part of my ASD personality.

Mine DC are ND, none of them liked the fun bits. They are all fabulous, and good people. They are a huge worry, vulnerable even as young adults and unlikely to ever earn well. I don't regret it, but also would not recommend it.

Whichever path you choose is the right one. No life is perfect. You'll have joy and pain.

I wonder if you can speak to a counsellor, figure out what you really want?

I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I never considered anything else. I took care of my baby brother from the age of 7 better than our mother did.

Got pregnant unexpectedly, didn't want an abortion (just felt this pull to continue with the pregnancy). 12 years on, best decision I ever made. Only wanted one though ☺️

Worry is one of the reasons I was child free leaning. It’s a real problem for me.

I always wanted to be a mother; I wanted a family to love. I did worry a lot that I wouldn't be a good mum, because my parents were pretty awful (really, really). But I really wanted to. Then I had my daughter with my ex-partner and she was wonderful. I love her so much. She makes me so happy, and I really enjoy being her mum.

I wasn’t in the least bit interested then fell in love with a friend’s toddler, so had to have my own, which is exactly what happened to my mum.

I feel like this is what I’m having! Like a pull to have my own tribe……of one, well behaved, polite child 😂😂

I always knew I wanted children. I didn’t put too much thought into it until I was mid 30s though. Very glad I have my 2 now

I took a gamble really because I truly wasn’t fussed, but I’d not really discussed it fully with my dh before getting married (silly I know) and so when he was really keen, I resisted for a few years but then gave in and took a leap of faith I guess. Sounds awful, but I didn’t take the whole thing as seriously as I should have. For me the gamble paid off because I love being a mum, but I honestly still feel quite surprised that I do enjoy it as much as I do and I also feel huge relief because, now I really understand what a huge responsibility it is, I realise how difficult life could have been all round, if I’d felt differently.

For me, my maternal side of myself was essentially dormant until I had children.

I have maternal side and I’m quite nurturing. But I’m also really lazy and get overwhelmed quite easily.

That’s probably why it works out so well for you, if your overthought it too much, you’d have had a picture in your head that may have been completely the opposite of what your life is like.

It was initially for legacy in my case. My DH doesn’t know this is the main reason I said I wanted kids, but up to late 30s we were happy to be childfree and had thought it was our lives as all friends and family either had grown up kids or were childfree.

Then one day DH commented our house would go to his niece as there was no one else. It would be true as my siblings don’t have children either.

No way, I thought to myself. My SIL and her family are take take take and have never reciprocated any kindness despite us showering them with presents and thoughtful gestures over the years.

I realised DH and I are working really hard and for what - who will it go to? I knew I wanted my own child to be able to pass all my hard work all along.

Then I didn’t expect the rush of feelings and I fell hard in love with DD from the start from pregnancy and onwards. When I held her for the first time after she was born, I can’t believe I was going to miss out on that. She is my sunshine. It’s hard work however but I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

And as a bonus, she will be inheriting the house too, the lucky girl.

As morbid as it sounds, I thought about death too often not to consider having children. Even as a teen, I was experiencing waves of an existential crisis, wondering what the point of it all is. The millions who have existed before us and no one remembers. I wanted to be deeply loved and cherished in life. so, for me, it made sense to create a family.

It is an indescribable love. It has made me love my husband on another level. My desire to climb the ladder in my career has dwindled. My excitement for materialistic items has gone. But the joy I feel seeing little people laughing, playing, singing, and happy is like an epiphany moment. It makes sense to me. Existing makes sense to me with children.

I do feel that I would have experienced masses of happiness without them, but in different senses. I would be a totally different woman if I was child free, and both experiences are valid and wonderful.

For the longest time I did not want to raise a child. Then one day that just changed for me. I realized my life would not feel complete unless I had the experience of raising a child, preferably my own via birth, but I was open to multiple avenues.

I was entirely ambivalent - we were TTC but I felt no pressure. If it happened it happened and if it didn't I loved the life I had. I have no doubt at alls that in a sliding doors situation I would have been very happy childfree and not sure if I would have felt any real regret or longing.

But I did conceive when I was 38, and again at 40 and this is the path I took so I suppose I fell into it in a way. I miss the money and the freedom sometimes, sure, but if I had to go back and choose one way or the other - I'd choose them over and over and over again. Before I knew them I was very happy with my life, now that I have loved them I couldn't be happy without.

I don't know if that's helpful or not.

I think it’s just what you do

Wanted them as long as I can remember. I just knew from being a small girl I wanted to and I would be good at it. I felt it inside.
I wanted a little person to care for a protect and teach things to.
i panicked a bit in my twenties that I wouldn’t meet someone and have a baby. It was my worst worst fear.
i have 3 now. They are my absolute world. I am a sahm and I adore them even on bad days

My life felt shallow and money had no interest to me. My interest in my career plummeted and I couldn’t work out what we were working for as a couple. The idea of the same lifestyle until we die felt miserable.

I’ll get flamed for this opinion - but I felt the hardcore feminists had lied to me about how I’d feel about having a career and being a boss babe. I have far more fulfilment as a Mother even if it’s a thankless job.

Having my children has changed my life for the better. I’d never go back.

I think late 30s you can get a biological hormonal kind of surge that tells you it's now or never. I know a lot of my friends have suddenly desperately wanted a third at 40. So it could be your hormones as you say.

I have always wanted kids on a really fundamental level and having them has been wonderful for me. That said if I hadn't been completely sure I wouldn't have done it!