Why did you have children?

[whatsnewpussycat34]

Not a goading post, I promise.

Ive popped over from the childfree board because although I was a good 90% set on being child free, I’m having a wobble. My 38 year old ovaries are pumping out last chance saloon hormones and I’m finding myself brooding.

My history is that I did TTC for a while, but it didn’t happen so was offered help, but didn’t go ahead. We just said it wasn’t meant to be and I was actually quite relieved when we made that decision as I was always on the fence.

Anyway, I know all my reasoning for wanting to stay child free (like 64% during this hormonal surge I’m having) but if you were always dead set on having children, can I ask what made you think or feel
that?

thanks!

I never had a massive urge. For either of them. But wouldn’t like to be alone in the world as an elderly person, if my DC lived the other side of the world.
I had two. And it has been the absolute best decision I have ever made. They are now 23 and 20 and it just gets better and better.

I didn’t want them at all but then I did because I met DH. If I hadn’t met him then I probably would’t have had them. It was all about wanting to have them with him. I have had friends who went on about having children and who it was with seemed very secondary. Mine was very much the other way round.

Same here

I just think life is more cheerful and happy with children in it. And i love the funny things they say and do. I also had a strange desire to create new people who are half of me and half of dh.

and also I like soft play and you aren't allowed to go in there without children

I just always had the urge to have children within me from a young age. I was that way inclined. I had all my children by 29 because I knew from a young age I would be a mother. I think if you get to your late 30s and you're still weighing up the pros and cons, then you don't have that natural maternal instinct.

I've got grandchildren now , but way back had my first at 21 and second a few years later .
In my generation , you got married , waited a few years then started a family . It was just the order of things .

Could have written this myself. Had the first by accident, thought I'd better carry on. The childhood years were pretty perfect but they are lovely, vulnerability young adults now. Worry constantly about what will happen to them when I'm not around to pick up the pieces. For the millionth time.

I never liked children or babies and couldn’t imagine having them. I always said I’d be perfectly happy with a house full of cats.

Then my mother died; we were very close. I suddenly felt this deep primal need to recreate that mother-daughter relationship.

For me it was about creating my own people, rather than babies. Family. I find them endlessly fascinating and am enjoying seeing them discover the world. I didn’t really enjoy the drudgy baby and toddler years, but as they got older and more interesting and became little people, I got a lot more out of being a parent.

I’m so proud of them. They are mine.

I 100% did not want kids at all. Then I met my DH when I was 35 and all of a sudden really wanted children with him. I had my beautiful DS when I was 36 and I'm so glad I did because he's my absolute world. I did tell my DH though that I was one and done. You need to figure out if you really do want one or if it's just a case of hormones doing a last chance push.

I was adamantly childfree until I was about 28, and then hormones hit. It was just an innate, emotional, desire for me. I couldn't stop thinking about having a family, and holding a baby in my arms. I obviously considered all the practical aspects.

It's the best decision I ever made. My girl is nearly 18 months old, and she's truly the love of my life. I can't wait to be able to share my hobbies with her, like baking and board gaming, and I can't wait to see what she's into, and the person she'll become.

I like our family trips out, the cuddles, and feeling like a unit.

To pass on my and my husbands amazing genetics. Because we are both autistic and quite childlike so being around a kid is SO MUCH FUN. Because we are caring people and love taking care of our daughter. Because we love each other dearly and was the natural consequence of all the amazing sex we were having.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I can remember telling people at age 6-7 I wqnted children when I grew up.

No regrets at all.

I sort of always expected to have them - then I was single from 28 to 36 so assumed I wouldn't. Grieved for it a bit about it. Met someone at 36, he wasn't ideal but thought it would give me the opportunity to start the wild adventure of bringing a whole new person into the world and with it a new purpose
And so I did, and it was ace and the not perfect relationship is still not perfect but going strong at 20 years. And the DC are amazing and make my life so much richer.

I only really wanted dcs when I met DH. I didn't dream of being a mum when I was a child or get broody at all. But I wanted a family lifestyle with DH, to be a sahm, and to have a sense of legacy.
I was never desperate to have them though, and though we had them quite late and didn't conceive quickly, I knew I'd never consider fertility treatment and I'd have been just as content not to have them.

First born was an accidental pregnancy, but me and my partner both knew we couldn’t give him up and good job we didn’t! second child was planned.

Desperate, screaming biological urge that was impossible to ignore.

It’s something you just feel I guess. I reached 38, had just split from a relationship and felt now or never. I joined an introduction agency (online dating wasn’t a thing then). I eventually met my husband and happily he asked me if I wanted kids early on and even though he already had two said he wanted to have more with me! Married at 40 we had two children shortly after.

I never wanted kids but the man I wanted to spend my life with did. When we married I’d agreed to one or two, at some point, but several months after our wedding I did a complete 180 and decided I wanted children NOW!

I loved being a mum, straight after my first, very traumatic birth I would have gone through it all over again for the “reward”

Our children are now late teens and early 20’s and there are downsides. There is no doubt that they are all my very favourite people in the whole world but it’s also true that I haven’t had a minutes peace of mind since they were born. I worry about them almost constantly and probably always will. We haven’t travelled as much as we would have liked and probably never will and, at 10 years until retirement, I’m looking at a somewhat ungenerous retirement. We have boys (ones gay, ones asexual and the other is still a teen) so any “wealth” we do accumulate is likely to go on care fees so we won’t even leave anything to our children 🤣

I was 40 when my last was born so will be in my 60s when he is at university. Think very, very carefully if you want to be funding this kind of thing in your 60’s or if you’d be preferring to be thinking about winding down and perhaps retiring. There will be very, very few of us that will be able to fund a child at uni whilst retired.

I was never maternal, never got broody, but as my friends and I headed into our early 30s and my friends started to have babies,I didn't want to be left out and left behind. That is a shocking thing to say I know.
Thankfully I ended up being absolutely 100% gaga in love with my DCs. They are teenagers now and so funny. It's like having really fun housemates all over again, but they're just so delicious at the same time.
I do worry a lot though. The thought of them driving and being on boozy lads' holidays terrifies me. I lost one male friend to a car crash and one to a drunk drowning on holiday.

When I was younger I didn’t think I wanted children. But I got to mid-20s and it went from a “not sure” to a need. I had my first at 30. I only have 2dc, although I’d have liked a 3rd, finances and the toll it took on my body meant stopping was a sensible choice.

Im not sure I’m the best for a rational discussion on this as I really can’t explain why I felt I needed children, just I knew I did.

I always wanted children, in an abstract sort of way, if and when I met the right man. But it wasn’t like a driving force, not until I met my DH. Sadly we were unable to have our own child. We chose to accept this rather than explore alternatives like egg/sperm donation which neither of us was comfortable with. Adoption did not feel right for us either. I’m now completely at peace with not being a mother and life is really good. DH and I are blissfully happy together and I was able to retire earlyish (at 58).

I had siblings who were born 5-10 years after me. The feeling of love opening up inside me-
like new love being created - was the most wonderful thing. I knew at the age of 5 that it would be equal or even more amazing if they were my baby. I wanted that experience. It has not disappointed me one bit.

I never really thought about it, more did not want them when I was early 20s, then got married mid 20s, then a few years later really had that urge to be a mother, had 1 at 28, didn't want anymore, 7 years later had a 2nd during the lock downs.

Being a mother is nothing like I imagined it would be. I have found it hard emotionally. They are both autistic, turns out.

Glad I had them. I love them so much, but I had no idea how my life was going to be totally turned upside down. I was not prepared for it as an only child from a split family, not even any step siblings, lived quite a lonely upbringing and was emotionally neglected by my parents. Had no experience around young kids, never mind neurodiverse kids...

My dh is not particularly helpful as a life partner going through the ups and downs of life with, besides me instructing him every step of the way, turns out he is neurodiverse so I kinda feel like a solo parent with a help meet, if that makes sense.

That's my story of motherhood.

I always wanted children from a very young age , it was my goal in life to get married and have 4 boys .
i did get married at 22 and had my first boy at 24 I then had a girl at 24 and my life was complete . I loved having both of them wasn’t so keen on the husband though and divorced after 23 years.
I have 2 wonderful adults and 3 grandchildren and along the way gained a 7 year old girl with my partner of 16 years who has grown into a lovely 23 year old .
It was the best decision for me and I wouldn’t be without any of them .

We didn't talk about it at length at all, we are both quite impulsive, adored each other and it was really an indulgence of those feelings hence we were young in our friendship group to have our first so mid to late twenties. Oddly, I don't worry about big life decisions like that, DH is more a financial worrier now we are in our mid 40s but he wasn't in his twenties, we kind of grew up with our first, DH still training to be an Architect and I was well paid but as I had to commute to London an hour away I didn't return to work so after maternity leave we lived off very little. I feel like we were proper grown ups more with our youngest when in our thirties.