Why did you have children?

[whatsnewpussycat34]

Not a goading post, I promise.

Ive popped over from the childfree board because although I was a good 90% set on being child free, I’m having a wobble. My 38 year old ovaries are pumping out last chance saloon hormones and I’m finding myself brooding.

My history is that I did TTC for a while, but it didn’t happen so was offered help, but didn’t go ahead. We just said it wasn’t meant to be and I was actually quite relieved when we made that decision as I was always on the fence.

Anyway, I know all my reasoning for wanting to stay child free (like 64% during this hormonal surge I’m having) but if you were always dead set on having children, can I ask what made you think or feel
that?

thanks!

For me it was a combination of

• hormonal urge that kicked in about 30. Probably had a lot to do with the fact many friends were getting pregnant at that time to be fair.
• feeling like I didn’t want 40 years of DINKY life - it was nice, comfortable but I could see it would get a bit dull fairly soon
• a worry that I would hit an age where it was too late and have massive regret

None of these would have been enough on their own

I don’t regret it, not at all, but it has hugely impacted other aspects of my life (career, relationship) far more than I ever expected. Having kids really does limit your options especially if you don’t have a partner who shares the load equally (that’s most of them) or family who help out. So don’t underestimate that.

Even if you do have a partner who shares the load, it's hard to sustain two careers without a LOT of external help. Every last cold, bug or childcare issue sets us back in every way for a week.

Luckily I took a step back career wise a few years before kids and had found a really good niche, because if I had gone down a different route it would be really hard to have two "proper" demanding careers and kids.

By accident, tbh. I was 16 when I had my first and like a typical teenager I thought I knew best so I was determined to have him! But then when I had my second two (13 and 15 years later) it was planned, mostly because it just suddenly came to me that I wanted more. There was no definitive reason, I just wanted babies!

Most of the time you take having kids for granted. And it is a huge life changing commitment and sometimes life feels like such hard work.

Then sometimes something happens and you’re reminded of the gift that it is.

As an example, last night (in the car of course!) my youngest (DS14) began confiding in me that - although he wasn’t trying to boast - 8 girls had asked him out already this academic year and that his best friend (who is further along the puberty journey, his voice has broken and he has a girlfriend already) has said he could “pull” any girl he wanted. (Dubious language I know, I said I doubted any girl would want to be “pulled” anywhere).

But that he didn’t want a girlfriend because he is only just 14 and he is focussed on his work and meeting his life goals. 🤣

I think he has been worried about whether he “ought” to be more interested in girls - he was asking me when I started being interested in boys - and also can girls really be interested in men and find them attractive (he couldn’t quite see how a girl might fancy him).

but I guess I tell the story as it shows how special it can be to watch your children develop and how rewarding it is when they show you how much they look up to your model and advice.

For me, I did not want to leave this earth without the experience of being a parent or having a child. I feel that it is one of the peak, most primal experiences most of us will ever have and it just felt so natural.

Having my children is honestly one of the best things I have ever done in my life and I am so glad I made the right decision.