Why did you have children?

[whatsnewpussycat34]

Not a goading post, I promise.

Ive popped over from the childfree board because although I was a good 90% set on being child free, I’m having a wobble. My 38 year old ovaries are pumping out last chance saloon hormones and I’m finding myself brooding.

My history is that I did TTC for a while, but it didn’t happen so was offered help, but didn’t go ahead. We just said it wasn’t meant to be and I was actually quite relieved when we made that decision as I was always on the fence.

Anyway, I know all my reasoning for wanting to stay child free (like 64% during this hormonal surge I’m having) but if you were always dead set on having children, can I ask what made you think or feel
that?

thanks!

Not really maternal, but got a bit bored with work and thought a year off might be fun.

With baby number 1 me and DH just felt it was the next logical step after getting married. It certainly wasn’t a primal urge or anything like that…. It just felt like it was “what people do”.

The urge for baby number 2 was much more of a desire. Not wanting my first son to be an only child was a huge driving force, but I also wanted to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding again. For some women those experiences are really shit, but for me they had been wonderful and to have been able to grow, birth and nourish a human being, and then be a mother, felt like such a special blessing, and I just wanted to experience it all over again.

As Sod’s Law would have it my second pregnancy was awful, as was the birth, and breastfeeding was a fucking nightmare for the first 4 months 🤣🤣

Parenting is hard work though OP…. And me and DH often fantasise about how differently our lives would be had we chosen the option to be child-free, which at one point before we got married, we had been discussing.

I absolutely adore my children, but if I got a chance to live my life over again, knowing what I know now, I think I’d like to trial a life free of children as I bet it’s wonderful in lots of ways that my current life isn’t 🤣

Like other posters I just knew that I wanted to have a child. I have one 10 year old DD and, although there are aspects of motherhood which can be challenging, it's just the biggest joy and delight (I do suspect having an only child makes things much calmer and easier). I've really loved all the stages so far, though I deeply miss the toddler - five years.

In fact I enjoyed being a mum so much that I didn't return to work after she was born, and have home educated her from the beginning.

It's also such a huge life experience to have, I think I'd have felt so sad missing out on it. I think you can absolutely have a rich, meaningful, love-filled life without having children, but I also think there is nothing comparable to the wild, fierce (and somewhat terrifyingly strong!) love you feel for your own child, and the absolute certainty that someone else matters more to you than yourself.

I wasn't fussed on having children, dh was, and we had a few discussions about how he definitely wanted to have children one day and I was always saying "well it won't be with me!" then I found myself thinking about it more, picturing myself with a baby, thinking of names etc, and convinced myself it might be quite nice, I definitely wasn't convinced and wasn't really taking the whole thing seriously tbh. We decided to not try, but not prevent. Had DD and then her sister 2 years later. I can't imagine my life without my children. They literally mean more to me than absolutely anything else ever could. But, being a mum to young children was also the hardest, tiring, emotional draining period of my life, and caught me at my absolute lowest at times. They're a bit older now, and life is easier in many ways, but other stresses happen now they're growing up and completely becoming their own identities, with friendship dramas, worries about their futures, constantly having to remember and organise so much stuff, it makes me realise the baby/toddler stage was actually much simpler!
I imagine I would have always wondered what it would be like if I didn't have children, so I'm glad I've done it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. It's a very personal decision though, and I can completely see why choosing not to is equally as appealing! Life can be fulfilling with or without children, it's what you make of it I guess.

I wanted a family and had so much love to give. It didn’t quite work out as planned but I am certain I am happier as a parent than not. I was partying hard and didn’t really have much to live for, whereas now my life is dedicated to them and everything to live for. I feel like the luckiest person alive.

I had my first son when I was somewhat of a rudderless ship and he grounded me. It was a period of change for both of us and I was very young (when I look at my sons now)
He came to Uni with me and stayed in halls. My uni basically ignored the fact he was there and he was adopted as halls toddler.
I grew up with him after having a quite abusive childhood (due to parent mental health issues)
I have accomplished far more with my harem of boys in it than if I had stayed child free.

Massive baby urges that could not be denied.

I had a happy upbringing. My family are really important to me. I just always liked babies and kids. I always assumed I’d have them. When I was in my teens/20’s I babysat, nannied a bit and worked at an after school club. I think kids are great!
I have always from the minute I knew I was pregnant with my kids felt complete and utter love for them.
They are teens now. I still adore them. Despite the mess and the hormones!
I did do a lot of travelling the world before I had them. And have had them with my DH who also adores them.
Yes they are expensive. Yes they are exhausting. But they are also the absolute best!
I don’t know what I could have done that would have made up for not having them 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd like to have children because I am fabulous, and I wish to pass on that fabulous-ness to my future offspring 😁

Jokes aside, I don't know. I spent a long time (when I was not confident at all) saying that I didn't want children at all. As I've grown older, I think that it would be nice to see the world through a child's eyes again, and to just... have a family and be happy (with the obvious exemptions of the Terrible Twos and the teenage years). I've always said that parenting is the world's greatest unregulated experiment, but I like to think that I'd do a fairly good job of it, given the chance!

I was the expected thing to do back in the day. I remember my XMiL saying "You'd go to the ends of the earth to have a baby" but I didn't look on it like that at all. I didn't like holding babies when they were passed around and I certainly didn't feel "broody". I was lucky to have two of my own but if I'd failed to conceive it wouldn't have been the end of the world.

I was ambivalent all through my 20s until I was 34. My own mother was an awful mother when we were children and I didn't trust myself to do it right. Then friends and my sister started having babies and I didn't want to be left behind. That grew into a "must get pregnant" obsession.

As it turned out I never got pregnant, not even once, despite three rounds of AC. Probably a good thing as the stress of it contributed to my marriage break up. Looking back, exH and I were both too fucked up to have made good parents.

Never wanted children . Accidentally, got pregnant, partner wanted to keep it, so I did.
He's a lovely boy. Inadvertently, helped heal me from major past truama, just by loving him in a healthy manner.

A similar feeling. My whole life I’ve known somewhere deep in my soul that I was a mother just waiting to have the children, if that makes sense. Sounds kind of kooky but there’s nothing in my life I’ve ever been so sure of. We really struggled to conceive and I have no idea how I’d have come to terms with it if it hadn’t ever happened for us.

I never wanted children. Was very happy child free. Got pregnant unexpectedly at 40 and because I was in a good position I decided to go ahead. It is just as much hard work if not more than I anticipated but it’s brought a dimension to my life that I didn’t have before. I feel like I’ve had two very fulfilling lives, one before and one with DD. I feel almost like it was a gift from the universe.

Having a dependent has also given me more focus in my career and keeping an efficient home, because I have to keep everything going.

I was very much 51 in favour 49 against.

I think I would have been perfectly happy without my son even though I can't imagine being without him and would always choose him now!

I thought that I would want to have an older and an adult child, but would have to suffer through the baby and toddler stage.

But I'm lucky to be one of those who a) thrived and coped alternately, and b) have one of those delightful babies/toddlers who doesn't scream or fuss much, but is healthy, happy, active, friendly and jolly. Not all plain sailing (a "medium" for sleep, weaning was fucking awful, and he's always on the go), but generally speaking I can't relate at all to the "why did no one tell me how awful toddlers are" threads. We did some lovely baking the other day and afterwards he diligently vacuumed up, put it away and plugged it back on charge. He uses a coaster. He makes sure me and daddy get our advent chocolates too. (He did try to dive head first into a brass band though).

I didn't wholeheartedly, all consumingly want a child. I just decided I'd rather have one than not, probably don't want another.

One thing I'd generally recommend if you go for it is practice taking care of yourself, delaying gratification, and being emotionally mature. The people I've seen struggle either have nightmare children (not bad but challenging), or they simply are quite childish themselves about not having their wants for their old life back all the time. Make the choice and embrace it either way. With a good partner!

Is this sincere? A genuine question cos this is currently my main motivation to have a baby and I’m not convinced it’s a very good one 😂 did it work out ok for you? I just don’t know what to do for the rest of my life if not have a baby - it seems like a really long time to be essentially living the same way as I do now.

Probably always wanted them in the future in the abstract sense, but never came close to trying, until left a LTR, met DH and just immediately wanted to have his babies. Best thing I’ve ever done.

I never wanted children, couldn’t imagine myself being a parent. Then in my late 20 few things happened, including my mother passing away. That’s when first the first time i felt something was shifting… then overcome years on and off I’ve been thinking about my family, with some I don’t keep any contact. I am only child too. I have amazing husband and his family is fantastic and then I thought - family is what we build. That was real moment of change for me…

I chose to have kids by myself and it was mostly a deep desire to have them. Mine are both still young and it can be hard - but as someone who had a great life before, I’ve never known the level of contentment I feel cuddling my children (in the brief seconds before they push me away or go “nooooo, mummy - do not cuddle me” :). However, there was also a big bit of thinking about the life I wanted as I got older and in an ideal world for me that is one where I have active involvement with my kids (and hopefully grandkids) lives. Saying that - we all know that’s not guaranteed and I would still be incredibly greatful to have had my children despite the challenges, the damage to the career I love, etc.

Weirdly - I would say there are times that having young kids is extremely boring in a way that having a whole day as tree time by yourself is not. It’s a bit like when people say the hardest loneliness is being lonely when you are surrounded by people - the most challenging boredom I’ve ever had is sometimes when I have both kids by myself. So not sure I would use kids for that. For many other reasons I’ve found them worth it though.

I didn’t want any children, then I got pregnant (pill failed me) at 20. As it turned out, I absolutely loved being a mum.

I adopted two more children when I was in my 30s, after three years as a foster carer.

I have worked with children for the past 25 years. Quite a turnaround for someone who wasn’t in the slightest bit interested in kids!

Because my 38 year old ovaries pumped out last chance saloon hormones and I was madly broody!! True story!

I never wanted children, I was too independent and wanted to just do my own thing, loved travelling and being a bit of a nomad.

I’m not a naturally helicopter style, motherly mother but I think my way of doing things is working out ok as they’re a pretty bloody cool, independent teenager.

No regrets 😊

And to add, I have just the one, well behaved, polite child - their father and I are very chilled and laid back and it’s just rubbed off on them, I guess?

That's amazing. I never wanted them either but changed late 20s. I'd like to foster but dh wouldn't. Plus we don't have the room. What you've done is fantastic.

Intellectually, I view having children as a net positive action generally and also wanted to enjoy having a family and bringing them up. There was also a hormonal aspect but I don't know how that would've worked if I didn't also know mentally it was something I wanted anyway, iyswim.