To attend shower with newborn…

[Mumtobe2025x3]

Hi all,
I have a new born baby who is 23 days old. It’s my friend’s baby shower tomorrow and I feel really anxious about whether to attend or not. I cannot leave my son with his dad alone yet as I’m not ready to leave him and my husband (who is brilliant, isn’t ready I feel to be on his own).
My friend doesn’t have an expectation of me to come but I am a people pleaser and I feel bad if I don’t go as she came to my shower, helped decorate and do things and got me lovely gifts and I’d feel awful if I didn’t go.
The shower is in a hall just for two hours with around 30 people I think roughly. I don’t want anyone holding him which I won’t allow other than my friend, but I’m also worried about germs and virus due to the time of year.

I currently have a sore throat and cold which he had obviously been exposed to.

I have suffered with the baby blues quite bad so I’ve been going out alot since he was about 12 days old to get out the house which makes me feel better, so he has been to a garden centre and couple of restaurants for lunch so been out and about. But I feel like in a small hall with people circulating may be a bit unsafe for him. I do feel anxious taking him places but always make sure they’re well ventilated areas and I don’t do anything I’m not comfortable with.
I am fine not going because I feel a lot better that I’ve been going out so I don’t feel I need to go tomorrow for my own mental health, but more so I feel bad on my friend, but also worried it’s too early and I’m exposing my newborn in an environment with people missing.

Any advice!?

I wouldn’t go. And it’s not fair to expose your pregnant friend to your sore throat and cold.

there is no expectation for you to go. So stay home.

OP kindly it is only you and your new born that you are concerned about. You have a sore throat and a cold and your son has been exposed but you are ok to people please and attend an event with a pregnant women. How would you feel if a friend had to have rocked up to your baby shower sick.

I cannot leave my son with his dad alone yet as I’m not ready to leave him and my husband (who is brilliant, isn’t ready I feel to be on his own)

If I were your husband, I would find that insulting.

Exactly what I was going to say!

Put baby in a sling and ‘pop in’ half an hour before the end and say baby’s been unsettled and clingy and don’t offer anyone a hold.

Last year my friends baby ended up in hospital on a ventilator because she let people have cuddles (all lovely clean friends btw and no one was visibly ill)

Do only what you feel comfortable with.

Ppa and ppd aren't logical things in fairness. So he can be as insulted as he likes but it's also his job to swallow that and step up and support op to feel better and that takes time. This is biological wiring not a logical thought process.

Don’t be passing your germs onto people

#1 congratulations on your lovely newborn!

#2 you say that you are nursing a cold, and obviously your child will be exposed to the same germs so also might come down with a cold soon? Personally, that would be a reason right then and there for me not to attend, because I am sick. Although this time of year, not a lot of people have the luxury of staying home when ill because a lot of people are ill. Of course that's because they don't stay home.

#3 your baby's 23 days old. Honestly, I think if I had a 3 week old baby I would not be exposing them to a room full of 30 people who may also be nursing colds or other things and more than likely would want to touch the baby at least a little.

#4 you're suffering from a little bit of postpartum depression which is completely to be expected and you admitted that getting out, doing something social, that makes you feel better. You should definitely do things that make you feel better. All the time, but especially now, being pregnant for so long and giving birth and postpartum, it's a lot on you. Do something kind for yourself but I'm not 100% sure this is the right thing.

#4 if you were not sick, and if you weren't concerned about your baby. Being so young and being in an indoor possibly germy environment, then I would say that bringing a baby to a baby shower is entirely appropriate. I mean maybe not a wedding shower, maybe not a birthday maybe not a funeral, but a baby shower? Damn. If people are offended by crying or fussing or nursing or having to quietly interrupt the party flow because the baby needs something, or any diaper smells or anything else, then a baby shower is not the right place for them to be.

#5 some groups of people absolutely don't much care about germs. And other people care a lot! Like, I know people who if you express any type of concern about the amount of people in a crowd, or the amount of spacing between the people, or the fact that it's difficult to wash your hands, they'll say so what? So what? Okay.
I know other people who can be in a nearly empty store, if they hear one person in the distance cough or sneeze, they'll put down their shopping and leave the store. Like, seriously. I've noticed that a lot of parents with young kids have just learned to accept the fact that with kids, germs happen. There's no getting away from it especially once they become daycare/school age. It's inevitable.

All the things you mention here, myself, I'd be least impressed that you showed up because you're nursing a cold. All the rest of the things, although I might be concerned that your extremely young baby is exposed to other people's germs, I would say that you should come. Especially if you personally feel that you could use the social outing.

I think you are massively over thinking this. Your friend is having a baby shower which is a happy occasion with lots of other people. She won't want your lurgy and even without the lurgy, probably won't be that bothered if you aren't there.

If you feel better in the morning and really want to make the effort to be there, then make the break of leaving baby at home with his dad and go yourself.

If you don't feel better, or can't face going without baby, contact her, and say you have a cold and are sorry not to be able to make it. Given you are quite anxious about baby being in contact with people, taking baby is probably going to make you as stressed as leaving him at home. It's not worth going there and being stressed about it, unless you actually want to make yourself go out without baby.

So you think you spreading YOUR germs to 30 people including a very pregnant woman is ok?!?! Stay at home and keep your germs to yourself!

How long do you expect people to stay home for after having a baby?? I was climbing the walls after 2 days. Appreciate everyone is different but the baby is 3 weeks old...

You are ill, stay away from your pregnant friend.

You're sick you shouldn't go.

its only a baby shower, its not like it's a christening or something. (Even if it was you're sick you shouldn't go).

your DH will never 'be ready' until you keg him do it.

im glad you're getting out, but you might need more help than that.

Just for context as I may not have explained it well in my post.

I have told my friend I have a cold and I should stay away because I don’t want the bring it to the party.. SHE has told me she is not worried about viruses and I can attend. I did try and use this as a get out, but as I said she’s wanting me to attend. So now I feel more obliged.

In regards to people thinking I’m insulting my husband because I don’t want to leave him alone yet is because my husband does not feel confident in some areas and that’s totally ok. Our baby is suffering bad trapped wind and my husband cannot settle him so this falls to me.

whilst I understand a lot of people’s opinions and rationales, I also feel like quite a few of you have made a judgment on a mum that’s suffering with some postpartum anxiety, which is quite evident. To be called silly or over the top is quite unsupportive. You don’t know me or my story. My son is my rainbow baby after recurrent miscarriage so my overprotectiveness and anxiety might now be explained, not that I have to explain myself.
i am seeking support from my midwife and H/V for this and im not ashamed I have anxiety and im very open about this.
Thank you for the supportive comments and suggestions.

@Mumtobe2025x3 following your update I think the fact you’ve already done some of the groundwork of an excuse. Ofc only you know your friend and what she meant but I can only imagine she was saying she didn’t mind viruses to explain that she didn’t want that to stop you from coming if you wanted to come. That’s different from her wanting you to attend at all costs even if mentally it wouldn’t be good for you or your anxiety. does your friend know how you’ve been feeling since having the baby? If you feel comfortable enough to tell her I would be honest and say “I’m still not 100% physically and also mentally I’ve been feeling quite anxious and I do worry it might make things worse. I feel sorry to let you down but hopefully when I’m better we can do something nice together”.

obviosuly you don’t have to explain how you’re feeling if you don’t want to but if she has the hump afteer that message not only is she a bad friend but not even a decent person. I also think there’s still stigma around ppd/ ppa which the mum often feels most and being able to talk honestly and openly about it with people can help with the anxiety as it’s not a “dirty little secret” and just normalises how you feel a bit - I appreciate this might not be the case for everyone but you said in your update you’re very open about the anxiety so hopefully you feel you can share this with your friend.

I found caveating most plans in the early days with “I’d love to go but obviously with the baby I will just let you know in case I’ve had an awful nights sleep etc” - that might help in future with not being stressed at pulling out last minute which is something you may have to get used to doing because babies will baby. But also in my experience people have very little expectations of you when you’re post partum so this could be pressure that you’re putting on yourself to go. This might be the anxiety feeding into it. When I said in my earlier post I think you’re overthinking it - I didn’t mean to minimalise or dismiss but genuinely make you see that your friend will be enjoying her shower with or without you. And if she’s a good friend she would rather not be there if it’s going to make you anxious and worried to be there.

don’t lose sleep over some of the comments on here - I think a lot of people forget what it’s like in those early days or can’t empathise with others because they had a different experience.

sorry to hear about your previous losses

You asked for opinions. I also suffered ppd and recurrent miscarriage so it's not that I don't get it

BUT if you want a village you have to be a villager.

Not happy with ppl holding her baby but happy to go and spread her germs around....

She might not care about your virus but other guests will. Stay home ffs. Whatever happened to not spreading germs?

Normally I would say go, you can't protect babies from germs for ever but as you have a cold I definitely wouldn't

Why isnt a baby welcome at a baby shower? Seems totally natural for baby to go with the mother

Baby or not it’s bad form to spread germs. Tell her you feel worse and you
vant come

Why not get your DH to drop you off (with a freshly fed and changed baby) get him to walk with the buggy nearby for 30mins so you can go in and be there for your friend, then leave and head home. Assuming it’s a light sniffle. If you’re absolutely laden with cold I’d stay home.

I wouldn’t attend any social occasion with a 23-day-old baby. It’s completely understandable if you don’t go! You’re ill, anxious and still in recovery from birth and pregnancy. Just send your apologies to your friend. If she gets annoyed, then she’s not much of a friend.

I think with my first I managed to go to a lunch with friends (with baby) when she was around 8 weeks old, which felt like a big deal. I didn’t suffer from anxiety, I just didn’t feel up to anything before that.

If you take your new baby to someone else’s baby shower you’ll hog the attention.

Actual baby beats a bump for interest any day.

No idea why people are so rude..,OP, it’s understandable and sensible to consider germs with such a small baby. Personally I think it’s fine, keep your baby in a sling or sleeping in their pram and don’t let people touch him/breathe at him. That’s what I did, it’s all about finding a sensible balance between protecting them but not shutting yourself away (sounds like you’re doing well with that so far!). As for your own cold, you and the mum to be will be the best judge whether or not you can attend. The mum to be might still be working/using public transport/attend activities and accept that she’s not 100% protected from germs.
But equally, if you don’t feel comfortable going then just don’t, you can either make an excuse or be honest with your friend, I think most understand that new mums are being very protective of their babies. You could invite her for tea another time.

The mum to be can’t unilaterally decree that it’s ok to expose all of her other guests to an unknown virus. If OP has symptoms she should not attend.