Partners ex threatening to withhold contact

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Advice needed-
My partner and I are planning on moving in together in the next year . He has a 6 year old son who we have gradually introduced to my children, spending more time together and they get on very well. He has him for 1 night every other weekend and a few extra days in school holidays. His ex , who he separated from when the child was a baby has for some reason been very difficult about the whole thing.

The latest situation is that his son had a sleepover at my house last weekend , obviously with his dad there too. He shared a room (bunkbeds) with my 11 year old which is our plan for when we move in together as I only have a 3 bedroom house.
His ex has massively kicked off about this saying he is not permitted to stay here as it is not cohering to his 'requirements for personal space' . She says she won't allow any other sleepovers or for him to stay here unless he has his own room . Does she have a leg to stand on ? They do have a child arrangement order but there's nothing on that saying he can't share a room .
I'm worried this is going to stop us being able to live together if she starts to withhold contact.

For reference, the ex moved three hours away from our area years ago, is married to someone else and the child actually shares a room with his half sister full time.

Some women just like to flex.
Let your partner sort it as anything you say will be twisted and thrown back at you.

There are no ‘legal’ rules about room sharing, although most organisations recommend children over 10 don’t share. For local authority housing purposes they would consider it overcrowding if a child over 10 had to share with an opposite sex sibling, you don’t say what sex your 11yo is?
Regardless, it’s not enshrined in law so crack on with whatever arrangement suits you all. She has no grounds to complain.

Is your partner able to have his child more as that’s really not a lot of time with him. Does he have his own room at his dad’s? I wouldn’t be happy about my child going from their own bedroom to sharing with someone who is effectively a stranger to them. Are you able to save up for a bigger house so all the children have their own space?

I wouldn’t want my 6 year old sharing with an 11 year old either. Most likely it would be fine but there have been many instances where it hasn’t. I know the 11 year old is your child so you only see good but she doesn’t know him and her job is to safeguard her own child

I wouldn’t want my 6 year old child to share a bedroom with an 11 year old I had never met.

I wouldn’t be amused if my 6yr old child is sharing with an 11yr old (who isn’t someone my child knows well and who I don’t know at all!) it’s different if it’s full siblings who spend every day together and live full time together but for someone my child sees only once or twice a month? Yeah, I wouldn’t be keen..

It's none of her business tbh. A judge would agree.
He needs proper arrangements made via court.
Or you are both in for a bumpy relationship..

His ex doesn’t have a leg to stand on and I suggest he gets his solicitor to write an order reminding her of that. What’s more if he wanted to exercise his rights, he could probably get half the holidays now. He could’ve also blocked her from moving three hours away if he had actually actioned that at the time

Are you sure it's the ex that's unhappy?

I'm thinking because the 6 year old hardly ever sees his dad anyway, maybe he's the one feeling awkward?

How long have you and his dad been together?

Neither would I, but it's not for you (or me) to decide that, certainly not to make demands or withhold access over it. His dad presumably has PR so it's his decision.

Honestly, leave them to it, Focus on yourself and your own.
How she has things set up in her own home , as the primary care giver is up to her . Her ex has the option of challenging this in court.
(I don’t think you mentioned the sex of your own children, but I assume you wouldn’t expect an 11 year old girl to share with a boy?)

I'm with the ex and others on here, sharing a room with an 11 year old is not an option.

Have YOU asked YOUR 11 year old do they mind sharing with a six year old they don’t really know?

Erm…I don’t actually think the original poster expects anyone on Mumsnet to make the decision or to arrive at the house and make demands! She asked for our opinions and that’s what I gave. I’m well aware it’s the father’s decision and that of the ex, why are you pointing out to me the obvious that it’s not my decision? How odd..

She asked for advice, not opinions. She asked if the ex has a leg to stand on, or could with old contact in this way, not whether her ickle feelings counted for anything - so you bringing yours into it was about as relevant as the ex's.

I'm not sure you're correct there.

If the Ex presented a coherent reason as to why she felt there was a safeguarding issue, the court would need to consider it.

An unrelated 11 year old sharing with a 6 year old is potentially problematic.

I wouldn't be at all happy if I were the ex to be honest and I'd want to take it to court.

Sounds like another dad shoving his child into another unsuitable situation to keep his GF happy and not considering the needs of the child. If I were the ex I'd go back downt the legal route.

As the mum of six year old who loves his dad and won't tell him directly about things he's uncomfortable with at his dad's house, I feel for the mum here.

6 and 11 is a big age gap for kids to share, especially when they haven't grown up together!

Where does your partner live now? Does his son have his own room currently at dads house?

I'd not rush in to moving in together for soo many reasons. The kids sharing a room being one of them.

Also if his dad only has him ONE night a fortnight surely that should be quality 1:1 time for his son?

Why doesn't he have him more often?

What is the custody agreement which went before the courts when they split. If that doesn’t exist - then he’s going to have to get a court order for custody arrangements- sadly.

This...the poor kid only sees their dad for one night every two weeks and now they are expected to play happy families and share a room with a child 5 years older than them

Rather than moving in with a new partner and expecting kids to share rooms, he should focus on being a more involved father to the kid he has already got.

Have you considered the 6yo may have raised an issue about this with his mum? Not surprising if he doesn't feel comfortable complaining to his dad who he only sees a couple of times per month.

How long have you been together?

Poor kid. I am trying to put myself in the position of a six year old who doesn’t see his dad very much at all and now has to share a bedroom with a much older kid he doesn’t really know.

ignore the ex - but your boyfriend should be focused on his little boy. How does he feel about spending his one night with his dad at your house and sleeping in a room with this other child? I would have felt awkward and home sick.

can your boyfriend spend more time with this little boy? Make sure he is comfortable with this big change in his little life? Don’t make it about the ex and her motivations, is dad focused on his son.

To be honest I would stay out of it because all you're going to get by being involved is having it thrown in your face that you aren't the child's parent. How long have you and your partner been in a relationship?I mean you're not really planning to move in together for another year if I've read the post correctly.You say your partner's 6 year old shared a room with your 11year old yet you didn't state whether your 11year old is a son or a daughter(personally I wouldn't like the idea of my 11year old sharing a room with a sibling or step sibling of the opposite gender). If you have 3 bedrooms can your partner's son not take the 3rd bedroom?(Unless you have another child in that bedroom)

This. I’m not sure I could respect any man who sees his children so little. I don’t understand why so many turn a blind eye to it.
Dad should really be looking to move closer to his child if anything.

How long have you been together OP? How old is your other child, not the 11 year old boy? The gap between 11 and 6 is significant, especially as they are basically strangers. Assuming your partner was not in the bedroom as well, you can't really know what happened between them, what the dynamic was. Does your 11 year old son really want to give up his privacy and space and share his room with his mums, boyfriends annoying 6 year old son? I can't think of many who would, even if they say yes when asked. Are they similar children, are they compatible? To you it might have been a fun sleepover, but to them it might not have been. Perhaps the son has expressed discomfort or unhappiness with the situation, but hasn't told his dad. Sharing a room with his (presumably younger) sister is not comparable, they are siblings not strangers. I remember staying with a cousin as a child who despite her smiles when others were watching, made it clear that I was not wanted there. I also disagree with the posters saying basically it's none of the ex's business and you /DP should just crack on regardless. Too many children get forced into situations that they didn't choose and don't want to be in because couples are too focused on their relationship.