Partners ex threatening to withhold contact

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Advice needed-
My partner and I are planning on moving in together in the next year . He has a 6 year old son who we have gradually introduced to my children, spending more time together and they get on very well. He has him for 1 night every other weekend and a few extra days in school holidays. His ex , who he separated from when the child was a baby has for some reason been very difficult about the whole thing.

The latest situation is that his son had a sleepover at my house last weekend , obviously with his dad there too. He shared a room (bunkbeds) with my 11 year old which is our plan for when we move in together as I only have a 3 bedroom house.
His ex has massively kicked off about this saying he is not permitted to stay here as it is not cohering to his 'requirements for personal space' . She says she won't allow any other sleepovers or for him to stay here unless he has his own room . Does she have a leg to stand on ? They do have a child arrangement order but there's nothing on that saying he can't share a room .
I'm worried this is going to stop us being able to live together if she starts to withhold contact.

For reference, the ex moved three hours away from our area years ago, is married to someone else and the child actually shares a room with his half sister full time.

He certainly is doing it differently seeing as he only parents 26 days a year 😀

That's immaterial.

The six year old usually shares with a biological young sibling, mums other child, not a step sibling. Who 6yo will know well and have seen everyday since they were born. Totally different to some strange oldnpreteen.

op, your SON need privacy- he is at the masturbation and starting to watch porn age. I would be so scared if I was 6yo mother that 6yo would be exposed to this. Or bullying - your son is likely to take out any upset about your new bf on this child (not a personal attack obviously but human nature).

I agree that mediation would be better than power struggle. I think that other options could be (IF you move in together)
on the night the 6yo stays, you go to the bunk bed with your child and 6yo shares a room (camp bed?) with his dad he would feel much safer then and have bonding time 1-1 with him. Or dad puts the money he is saving on renting place alone into getting a hotel near sons home for the night on his weekends, to stop his son having to travel and share with your kids. There is no need at all to rush to blend this family in cramps uncomfortable circumstances.

Yes so to answer the question, yes she can just say no I’m not sending him overnight. She can exercise her parental responsibility. He’d have to take her to court for a child arrangements order if they have one, or an enforcement order if they already do, but enforcement wouldn’t be straightforward as the circumstances have changed so much. Note that usually parents living in house shares aren’t allowed overnights as they can’t be seen to protect their child from less known adults, so same logic could be applied to ops soon to be teenager.

Because the child’s safety and welfare always comes above contact with their parent. They have a right to a relationship with their parent IF it is safe. The 6yos mum and many posters disagree that the scenario is safe. Many, many child sexual abuse victims have siblings cousins or step siblings as the perpetrators. Ops partner clearly hasn’t thought about it so isng in a good position to safeguard this child.

Of course I’m not saying that your 11 year old would inflict any abuse on the 6 year old but as the mother of the 6 year old I would be concerned about this being a rare possibility. So I completely understand in her shoes why she has reservations. I think it’s important for you to have discussions with her and set boundaries which makes her feel comfortable especially as she is his mum and is having him 28 days of the month on average and you’ll only be having him for 2. Again OP I’m not trying to scare you or make any assumptions but you have to be so careful.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/lirh1dgi/understanding-responding-sibling-sexual-harm-abuse-report.pdf

@Unexpectedlysinglemum whereas I agree 11 is an age puberty starts occurring it certainly should not be an age when porn starts to be watched!

I agree it shouldn’t, but it’s above the average age a child first sees it and this would be a huge concern of mine if my child was sleeping in a room with a stranger preteen

Its law exes and stepmother always have to argue o er something.

Why are you moving in an irresponsible father into your home? He sees him once in a while and even then expects him to spend that time with you and your son who are practically strangers.

His mother is right to raise this as an issue. You’re wrong for ignoring red flags.

I’m going to be blunt, OP, because I think you need a bit of a reality check.

It is not unreasonable for his mum to feel uncomfortable about a six year old sharing a room with an eleven year old he hardly knows. Most parents would pause at that.
RE the ‘half sister’ comment (which doesn’t sit well with me) Sharing a room with a sibling you live with all the time is a completely different experience. Calling his sister his “half” sibling does not change the fact that to him she is simply his sister, someone he shares his permanent home with and has, presumably, known their whole life. The two situations are not the same at all and trying to compare them by stating “he shares a room with his half sister at home!” Is a bit tone deaf.

And you need to think ahead. Right now it is six and eleven, but before long it will be nine and fourteen. That is a big gap when it comes to privacy, maturity and boundaries. It is not something that will work well as the children grow.

But to be completely honest, what really stands out is that your biggest worry seems to be how this might delay you and your partner moving in together, rather than how the children actually feel. The kids’ comfort should come before any adult plans.

His mum cannot dictate how you organise your home, but it is completely normal for her to raise concerns. This is not her being difficult for fun or “flexing” as some other posters suggest. It is a very reasonable parenting worry, and it deserves to be taken seriously rather than dismissed.

I don’t think that moving in together yet is a good idea.

Your 11-year-old is about to hit puberty and will not want to share his room with a younger boy-who equally would probably much prefer to stay at his Dad’s.

Plus, your partner really needs to request more time with his son during school holidays, he’s hardly spending any time with him at all. He can’t be an involved parent just a few days a year, they’ll drift apart.

You can still be a couple but prioritize your children for the next few years. One of my friends married her partner last year- they’d been together about 12 years but lived separately to focus on their children.
Now isn’t the right time, @Tumblingthroughlife, leave things as they are.

It's her job to do the best she can for her child, just like you'd do for yours.

Is you living together in the best interests of this child?

Is he losing his own bedroom at his Dad's to have to share with your son?
Is he losing his two nights a month with his Dad because he now has to share his time with you and your kids?

I doubt she'd be able to legally stop you. If you can look yourself in the mirror and swear this is the best thing for this little boy then crack on. If you know deep down that this is completely selfish of you and your partner then stop it. He can still live with you the other 13 days a fortnight. Let his son enjoy his one day.

I would raise a stink if you wanted my 6yo to share with an unrelated 11yo as well. How many days could they have even known one another?

At one night every other week, even if you have done the introductions over 6 years, we are looking at 150 days. that is at best 6 months with a few extra days for school holidays.

These children are strangers. If you want to move in together, they need their own space.

One point: OP mentions "her children". Plural. So presumably there is another child in bedroom 3. I am guessing that her DP's child was put in the room with the same-sex child (or if they're both boys, the one with bunk beds). If she had two girls, then I would have said to put them together in the bigger room on the nights the DP's child is there and keep the boy separate (would also work for 2 boys as it's only once a fortnight). But if she has a boy and a girl, that's not a good solution.

That's reaching and you know it. Suddenly declaring this scenario unsafe is solely to fit in with a narrative that you think can't be argued with.

Any situation can be 'unsafe' if you want to be paranoid about it, including living with a stepfather - but no one is up in arms about that on this occasion.

Firstly she is not allowed to withhold contact on this matter and if you were to go to court she will be told that.

My advice is go to court, if in uk you don’t need to pay for solicitors it’s cheaper to do it yourself. We did. The court will not insist on them having their own room and also there is no legal age now on sharing room age. Also she will be told that she is unable to dictate what happens at your home.

Honestly go to court and get it all do in writing will be the best thing you ever do.

She's right, a lot of children are abused in the exact situation proposed.

In a way, it doesn’t matter who is right. You have to find a way to work together, since you have at least 12 more years of needing to.

Presumably because he lives 3 hours away which would make school runs tricky

Well, to play devil's advocate here, it seems mum got remarried and moved out of area. So that's on her to be honest. And I am divorced with kids myself. At mum's house the boy shares permanently with a obviously younger by a few years half-sister. So somewhat strange to demand a single room. I agree that the kids should be consulted, but if we believe that they get on well and are both boys, then currently there shouldn't be an issue.

@TB23 Yes, but sharing at sharing with an unrelated 11-year-old at the OP’s house doesn’t improve the child’s situation. His Dad needs to think about what’s best for his son, and this isn’t going to. What he should focus on is spending more time with him during the holidays, because they barely see each other right now.

The OP also needs to think about her 11-year-old, who won’t be thrilled either.

But how was his mum moving, remarrying and now sharing with a younger sister 'improved his situation'? This seems to be a one-sided argument, as usual. Dad and OP need to think about what's best, but mum can do whatever she likes.

The pearl-clutching about everyone having their own bedroom is such a tired platform to have something to protest about. Changing dynamics in families are difficult to navigate and it's not at all uncommon to want to exert control over the situation, but it's a waste of energy really as people don't have any say over their co-parents parenting.

But how was his mum moving, remarrying and now sharing with a younger sister 'improved his situation'? This seems to be a one-sided argument, as usual. Dad and OP need to think about what's best, but mum can do whatever she likes.

@Edrumay That's my point though. His Mum seems to have put herself first so perhaps his Dad could do a better job for the poor kid? Just because one parent is selfish doesn’t mean that they both should be.

Personally, it doesn’t sound as if moving in together now will be great for this child or the OP’s children. Waiting a few years would be preferable.