Partners ex threatening to withhold contact

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Advice needed-
My partner and I are planning on moving in together in the next year . He has a 6 year old son who we have gradually introduced to my children, spending more time together and they get on very well. He has him for 1 night every other weekend and a few extra days in school holidays. His ex , who he separated from when the child was a baby has for some reason been very difficult about the whole thing.

The latest situation is that his son had a sleepover at my house last weekend , obviously with his dad there too. He shared a room (bunkbeds) with my 11 year old which is our plan for when we move in together as I only have a 3 bedroom house.
His ex has massively kicked off about this saying he is not permitted to stay here as it is not cohering to his 'requirements for personal space' . She says she won't allow any other sleepovers or for him to stay here unless he has his own room . Does she have a leg to stand on ? They do have a child arrangement order but there's nothing on that saying he can't share a room .
I'm worried this is going to stop us being able to live together if she starts to withhold contact.

For reference, the ex moved three hours away from our area years ago, is married to someone else and the child actually shares a room with his half sister full time.

Fair point, but if you read the thread, many agree with me and by explaining why we feel that way, it may actually make the original poster see things from a different perspective, that of the ex and ultimately, that of the 6yr old who for all we know, may have been the one that mentioned to his mum that he wasn’t comfortable with the situation. We don’t know, we are not part of this scenario. If it was purely legal advice the original post was looking for, why not consult a lawyer? Why ask random strangers who may or may not know what they’re talking about even if they have gone through similar as each case is unique. Don’t be so quick to jump down anyone’s throat perhaps?

Is there a court order in place? If not then it would be best for your partner to start moving towards getting one. Sharing a room in this scenario would be likely to come under different parenting styles but would not be likely to be refused by a judge. It sounds like it’s heavy handed but a court order would remove ambiguity and give stability for the children. He would need to attempt mediation first before a court order can be issued but this could solve the issue or if it’s refused then he’ll just be issued a certificate to show it’s been attempted/requested and can proceed to court.
good luck with it all and I hope that things can be settled quickly and amicably.

First off I have Feelings about this because I was the child in a turbulent custody battle during the 70s and 80s, so please bear with me!

It looks like your partner has grounds to request a review of the arrangement by the court. I'm thinking there are 2 grounds for this, firstly that the boy is no longer a baby and has different needs accordingly, and the second is that the mother remarried and moved away.

The needs of the child are paramount, so you'd need to show that he thrives with his dad and you. Does he eat and sleep well with his dad? Does he miss any school under the current arrangement? Does the travelling upset him? Are you expecting to marry after living together?

It sounds to me like you've handled things sensitively and haven't reneged on any of the stipulations of the current order and that the boy is happy, which are all in your favour. The sharing a room issue sounds like a threat, especially given that this is normal for him. Mum and new husband need to make sure he and his step sister don't share past the age of 10, but I'm guessing your 11 yo is a boy, so this won't be as much of an issue for you. She may be shooting herself in the foot with this one!

Just to finish by saying at age 6, I wasn't able to express my true feelings on how much time I spent with each of my parents because I was way too anxious about saying the wrong thing. I mainly wanted to stay with my half brother and have a normal family set up that didn't involve fighting and keeping secrets. Most of all, I wish that my parents could have put their differences aside for my sake and just been more grown up about the whole thing. They never, ever stopped bad mouthing each other. My mum still does it and my dad has been gone over 20 years! It affects me still. So yeah, if they can be amicable, that's the best thing possible for the son.

Best of luck OP xxx

One night every second weekend? Is that really it? Jesus Christ. He needs to start paying some attention to his own DC before playing live in step dad to yours. I’m not surprised this child’s DM is taking issue with this.

As a mother why would you want to move in with a man who can’t spend more than 2 days a month with his child? Oh sorry, I forgot the “few extra on holidays!”

Not necessarily.

It is not a foregone conclusion that a Judge would support this if the mother could put forward logical safeguarding concern.

The mother could complete a C1A form to raise safeguarding concerns. The court is required to listen to all concerns raised and could potentially initiate a CAFCASS investigation into the OPs household.

The mother does have some steps she can take to get the court to look very closely at the OP and her children to see if there is a safeguarding concern.

I think if I were in the OP's shoes, I'd think carefully about putting my own children in that situation where they could be under the microscope.

If one of the parent's is not happy it would be better to listen to their concerns and try to develop a work around, not turn it into a power struggle.

If the dad is seeing the child so little it would be much better for him to spend one-to-one time with them rather than making the child unhappy. Why can't adults see it from the child's perspective?

Again how long has the OP been in this relationship?she honestly can't think that her kids and his kid seeing each other twice a month for let's say what a year or two for example those kids have then seen each other for maybe a total of 24 days maybe a few more(in the case of a two year relationship-maybe even less times if they waited 6months or so before introducing their children to the relationship) is it really honestly fair to expect her child who will be 12 in a years time to suddenly have to share their room with mum's boyfriends 7year old when they have probably had their own room for ages already

Why does the dad see the child so little?

100% this, poor kid being expected to share a room with someone he doesn’t know. I don’t understand why people do this. Children need to feel safe and comfortable and like they have a home with their parents.

For reference, the ex moved three hours away from our area years ago, is married to someone else and the child actually shares a room with his half sister full time

surely your dh has said something along the lines of well dc has to share permanently at your house so what is the difference?

Because the child lives in mums house 13 out of 14 nights.

His dad has him once every 2 weeks.

Thats nothing in terms of contact and having an involved relationship with your child, and also the children who will become their step siblings.

This 6 year old is being expected to share a room with a child they will barely know (since they only see them every 2 weeks) during the only, very minimal contact they have with their father

Totally different circumstances to sharing a room with a sibling they pretty much live full time with

so the mother moved 3 hours away - when do you suggest the father sees more of his child?

its not like he can do a 3 hour trip to get him o a Friday night after work - it'd be 6 hours on a Friday and possibly 7 depending on traffic

every other weekend is normal for many families that are in separate homes

This.
That's a shockingly little amount of parenting he's choosing to do.

His kid will be devastated that instead of moving closer and actually parenting, he's instead going to live with some unrelated kids every day.

Is it in your kids very best interests to have an unrelated male move in? Will he enhance every aspect of your life?

Definitely stay out of his dramas with the woman he picked to have a kid with. Nothing good will come of it.

@MikeRafone four days a month is not parenting and should never be seen as normal or ok. As a bare minimum, a parent would have gone to court to prevent their kid being moved hours away.

Why are they doing sleepovers at yours when he only has him for 1 night every fortnight? Surely you can spare your partner to parenting for this time.

You make this out as her being difficult, but as someone who left my husband when my child was just 2 years old, in most cases things have to be really bad for a woman to make the decision to go it alone when they have a young child; it’s not generally for the whim of it. So from her perspective, he’s already doing the bare minimum, and now he’s not even doing this and exposing her child to a safeguarding risk by putting him in a room with an unknown 11 year old child. I don’t rate my exhusband but he wouldn’t do this.

is not cohering to his 'requirements for personal space' .

so how does the child of 6 get his requirements for personal space if they share with a step sibling?

This.

No way would I be happy only seeing my kid once every fortnight. I'd fight tooth and nail in court before my ex was allowed to move that distance away with my child

If that didn't work, I'd move closer to enable easier contact. Even an hour closer is better than 3 hours.

I just can't accept that the level of involvement is decent parenting and rather than moving in with a new family he should focus on his child

Abracadabrador

how do you know this parent didn't go to court to stop the move?

Its rare a judge will stop a parent from moving

As a parent, if I only spent 1 day every 2 weeks with my 6 year old, I’d want to spend every single second of it with them and only them. Why are you all so keep to move in together?

Also, they’re 11 & 6 now. In 3 years time, they’ll be 14 & 9. What’s the plan then? There is no change your 14 yr old will be happy with that.

OP would have mentioned if her boyfriend tried to get a preventative steps order (or whatever it's called). The man is blaming his ex to his current girlfriend, when it's his responsibility to house and parent his kid and sort co-parenting. It's not beneficial to OP to get involved.

He’d get at least 50% of the school holidays if he asked the courts.

He could have blocked the move 3 hours away.

Mum is being very hypocritical having ds share with her stepchild but kicking off about ds sharing with her ex’s stepchild.

6 and 11 is a massive difference- especially if the 11 year old is at secondary school. Is the 11 year old a boy?

What’s the concern with sharing with an 11 year old? Sorry if I’m missing something.

how many of you saying to fight your ex - have you been through it and how much did it cost you? both in money and stress.

There is no excuse for anyone failing to raise a kid they chose to create.
Everyone should have zero tolerance for people who opt out of parenting their kids. Two nights a month is not a parent.

7 years in and out of court. AWFUL. There’s no “winners”. We’re finally on a much better footing but I think between us it cost us probably around £35k what a waste of money and more importantly energy. I completely missed out being emotionally available to my kids because I was so focussed on court. Avoid it at all costs.

How much did it cost you?

or haven't you been through the family court system?