Partners ex threatening to withhold contact

[Tumblingthroughlife]

Advice needed-
My partner and I are planning on moving in together in the next year . He has a 6 year old son who we have gradually introduced to my children, spending more time together and they get on very well. He has him for 1 night every other weekend and a few extra days in school holidays. His ex , who he separated from when the child was a baby has for some reason been very difficult about the whole thing.

The latest situation is that his son had a sleepover at my house last weekend , obviously with his dad there too. He shared a room (bunkbeds) with my 11 year old which is our plan for when we move in together as I only have a 3 bedroom house.
His ex has massively kicked off about this saying he is not permitted to stay here as it is not cohering to his 'requirements for personal space' . She says she won't allow any other sleepovers or for him to stay here unless he has his own room . Does she have a leg to stand on ? They do have a child arrangement order but there's nothing on that saying he can't share a room .
I'm worried this is going to stop us being able to live together if she starts to withhold contact.

For reference, the ex moved three hours away from our area years ago, is married to someone else and the child actually shares a room with his half sister full time.

Three bedroom house, there's four of you, you and partner share the main bedroom and the kids get separate rooms.

Simples.

Site users personal lives are irrelevant to the man this thread is about.

He wouldn't need a solicitor to have prevented his kid being moved away.

So no solicitor needed to go to court and prevent a move away - righty ho

of course site users lives are relevant - its where advice often comes from and is what the entire board is set up for

Why are you moving in together when it’s going to actually make your children’s lives worse?

I’m a single parent, I do understand your situation but your child didnt choose this. You did. You want it cos you want this man. But why does your child have to give up their own bedroom so this man can move in with his kid?

If you cannot house your children to the same standard as before moving your man in, then don’t move him in. Don’t make your child, and his, share a room just because you want to live with your boyfriend.

I have two kids. I have a long term partner. I have not moved him in as it would not improve my kid’s lives.

You’re taking your child’s bedroom away from them because you want your boyfriend moving in. That’s not ok.

You need another bedroom or you need to continue to live separately.

Correct, no solicitor needed. People can represent themselves.
Life is what we make it.

I won't be reading any posts from you, so feel free not to quote or tag me again. ☺️

whats most bizarre is the op is looking for advice as to whether the ex can prevent this man form seeing his child

but no one wants to give that advice they just want to demonise him for not seeing his child enough, yet is facing the prospect of not having access to his child overnight at all

She shouldn’t be moving him in. Her child currently has a room to themselves. Moving this man in makes her child’s home life worse.

They need to wait until they can afford enough rooms for the children they have. You don’t take away your child’s privacy and safe space just to get your boyfriend in your bed every night.

I’m a single parent. You just don’t do this. What she plans to do is wrong.

@MikeRafone @Tumblingthroughlife
Being the child is 6, and requires an adult to take her to and from the mother 100% can prevent travel and visitations. Rightly or wrongly.
Either not taking the child or not being home for pick up.

OP said they share with a half-sibling (presumably same mum different dads, so basically a sibling), not a step sibling. I understand that it's still sharing but privacy and personal space become an issue when people are unrelated.

Just let the silly bing have her rope so she can hang herself in court.

Can’t get past the fact that your dp only sees his son two nights a month. I’m afraid I would judge him for that. It would be a red flag and I would seriously re-consider moving in with someone who thinks two days a month is adequate. Set your bar higher would be my advice…

It’s children of opposite sexes over the age of ten who aren’t recommended to share. Same sex are ok to share until 16, but all of it is just advice, not law.

It doesn't matter one jot if they agree with you. I said the same thing, if you actually read it.

But the ex will probably not like a lot of things that the dad will do going forward, she cannot withhold access every time. That's poor behaviour and she needs to grow up. I'm sure OP is aware of the ex's feelings, I don't think anyone is surprised she feels that way, it just doesn't have any bearing on their plans to move in together

The father has a right to parent how he sees fit, not how MN would like the world to be.

I don’t know if she can legally stop it happening but as she’s threatened, she could make it really difficult for him to see his child.

He only sees the child 2 nights a month already so I wouldn’t be doing anything to risk that even further.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together etc @Tumblingthroughlifebut I don’t think I’d be happy with my child staying over at your house and sharing a room with your child. Did he tell her this was happening?
How well do the children actually know each other given how little contact there is?
I wonder how the child really feels about this and whether they’ve told their mum they didn’t like it. Imagine your only night with your dad ending up being a sleepover somewhere else.

I don’t think you should even think about moving in together if you can’t provide both children with their own room. This is not making them a priority.

It absolutely is her business.

No, it isn’t. Unless it’s an actual safeguarding issue and not some histrionic bullshit made up in her head

One is his half sibling who he lives with full te and the other is a older boy who he has met a handful of times.

OP this isn’t ideal moving him and his son into your home - having your 11 year old share as he is rapidly approaching puberty and wanting his privacy as well

her concerns are valid if not necessarily legally so

What is the solution though?

ideally a four bedroom house so each child has their own room. And ideally the boy spends much more time with his dad.

Does the boy have his own bedroom at his dad’s house now? Why rush to move in when there isn’t enough bedrooms and the children don’t know each other well enough to share?

why doesn’t the dad agree with the mum - he needs to spend more time with the boy, get everyone more used to each other. Therefore the boy will gradually start to spend more time with his dad - mum can share the burden of travel because she moved.

There will be sleepovers during this period - but 6 year old will get his own room until he is comfortable sharing.

I coparent a six year old boy and I wouldn't be happy to find out after the fact that he'd shared a room with an 11 year old he's only just slowly getting to know. I'd be questioning whether his dad has his best interests at heart and do my best to make it difficult to repeat that too. I'd have expected dad and dc to camp out together in the living room if there wasn't a spare bedroom.
Whether she has a leg to stand on depends whether there is a legal agreement or not though

For the sake of one night every other week, can you sleep in your child’s room and step son sleep in his Dad’s room? It’s 26 nights a year.

Your partner sees his child 26 nights a year plus a few in school holidays? Have I read that correctly? No wonder his mum is worried about him coming to stay and share a bedroom with an eleven year old he barely knows? Do you think the little one is afraid and that is why his mum is stepping in? How does your 11 year old feel? If the 11 year old is ok now think about adolescence he is unlikely to be compliant then.

Then you're part of the problem. I get where you're coming from, I really do, but you can't control what happens at his dad's, as much as you'd like to or feel entitled to. 'Making it difficult' is just another way to say using your kid as a weapon because you're not getting what you want. PPs have pointed out that the child doesn't get to see his dad very often, why make that even less often because it's not exactly what you want when he's there?

Because dad clearly doesn’t have the child’s best interests at heart. Mum is in no way “part of the problem” the “problem” is dad rushing into a new relationship and changing the home set up when he barely even sees his child as it is.
Hope this helps.

Hold on. The mum moved three hours away and is remarried with another child already that shares a room with the son. But yet you think the dad is the one rushing into a new relationship and doesn't have his child's interests at heart.

I don't disagree that he should see more of his child. However, it is the mum that has made it harder. It is incredibly easy to upsticks and move before anyone has a chance to go for any kind of prohibited steps order. Assuming that he even knew such a thing existed.

But sure, yeah, it's definitely the dad's fault. Because he is a man, right?

No. Dad is just doing it differently. Having 'the best interests at heart' is different for mum than it is for dad - mum wants it her way and is using withholding access to try and strongarm her ex into bowing to her will. That's controlling behaviour, and unless she has fears of immediate harm, not just a situation that isn't her ideal, she'll get nowhere except hurting her son.