Visiting a school run dad when he is on his own

[Eastie77Returns]

I know MN has strong opinions on this so thought I’d ask😅 Would you consider it inappropriate for a woman visit a school run SAHD she is friendly when he is on his own at home during the day? It is for a coffee and chat about a work related matter. All DC are at school and his wife is at work.

Hopefully he'll stir it with a spoon though! 🤣🤣

Before being disingenious you could correct your own writing; you can't have coffee "on" another person's house unless you think they will climb up on the roof?

You must have lived a very protected life if you can't imagine rumours being spread if a teacher's husband invite school mums to their home when she's not there..

I wouldn’t go to the house. As a single parent I am very careful to maintain boundaries. Gossip is wild and can literally make the school run hell. Sad but true

Every close friend starts off as an acquaintance, though.

And honestly, saying someone’s house is a ‘very personal space’ sounds like the same oversexed thinking that sees the cinema as ‘date territory’.

Yes, although I’m not seeing what your point is? Once someone is a close friend then I’d be happy seeing them in their personal space.

And WTF about oversexed thinking? I clearly said about being uncomfortable regardless of gender. It’s a bit like conversation - there are things you’re happy sharing and hearing from close friends that you really don’t want to know about acquaintances. And I don’t see cinema as date territory btw. Perhaps you are projecting?

Sounds fine.

Of course it’s not inappropriate. Only inappropriate if you meet in bed!

All heterosexual women do not sign a contract once partnered to say they will have no contact with the opposite sex.

Edited to correct 2 typos.

Not at all. I’ve lost count of the number of people on here who’ve expressed shock about going to see a film with an opposite-sex friend because the cinema is ‘date territory’. It comes up weirdly often. I can only assume they have some kind of sexual fixation which inevitably turns their minds to snogging in the dark in the back row or something.

And sorry, I think it’s deeply weird to think of having a cup of coffee in someone’s kitchen as being in their ‘personal space’, and something that would cause you discomfort unless they were already a ‘close friend’. It’s not at all like sharing confidences. Perfectly possible to chat about the weather and work in someone’s kitchen in the same way as you’d do it in a cafe. And weird to walk past your house and your kettle to a cafe where you can pay a fiver for poor coffee, which is what I’d have been doing with school run friends.

But Mners have some odd ideas about friendships that don’t translate well to society at large.

And sorry, I think it’s deeply weird to think of having a cup of coffee in someone’s kitchen as being in their ‘personal space’, and something that would cause you discomfort unless they were already a ‘close friend’. It’s not at all like sharing confidences. Perfectly possible to chat about the weather and work in someone’s kitchen in the same way as you’d do it in a cafe.

I guess it depends on your experience. I don’t know anyone who has a kitchen that you could actually sit and have a coffee in - kitchens tend to be small around here. So if, for instance, someone came to have a coffee at mine it would have to be in my living room - and I really don’t want people I don’t know well commenting on my choice of decorations, craft projects, family photos etc.

Very few people socialise in their own homes here.

Good god, does everyone on Mumsnet live in the eighteenth century or something? Of course it is ok to meet up with a man for coffee and a chat. What are you worried is going to happen, you lean over to get the milk and accidentally fall on his penis?

Its perfectly fine to do that.

However, I'd meet up in a coffee shop because I'd be more comfortable in public.

Surely when the wife is home and kids are home from school they will not be able to talk properly because it will be tea time, homework usual family things.

I have sent exactly these type of grateful messages to someone's husband as he's helped me and my family regarding a tricky probate issue. I plan to ask his wife or SIL what to get as a gift as I should acknowledge it, a bottle or a restaurant voucher or something. Don't think I've done anything wrong and don't think this guy has.
I'd have no problem with this as you or as his wife. Mn is funny. I've also met married men in pubs and coffee shops to discuss issues in our football club over a drink or coffee... what a harlot! 😆
Many of us are very happy to have men and women friends.

If you read this OP then just go read some more messages by some less insecure posters.

Also his messages were very generic I’d hardly say they were anything suspicious

I have a friend like this. She has no male friends at all (literally not a single one) as she says every guy she has befriended has ended up trying to sleep with her. I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong, I have made friends with dozens of men over the years and with a couple of exceptions have not been propositioned by any of them😂

Although on MN I’m classed as naive because apparently ALL men secretly want to have sex with any woman they encounter so I probably just didn’t realise what all these male friends are really after!

I never ever go into a house/ hotel/ non public place with a man alone due to the experience of my friend who met a work colleague at his flat " to go over plans" and she was SA.
Sad but very very common

Meet up for a coffee out of the house

Honestly I’ve re-read his messages and cannot see anything remotely problematic/suggestive in them. It’s literally just expressing thanks. My friends thinks the “whole situation is suspect” because he never mentions his wife and I’ve never spoken to her. Essentially she thinks it would be fine if the wife knew me and I was assured she is on board with it all.

“The wife” 😡⁉️

Well if I was your friend I wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. In my case I do know the wife a long time but she may not know about his help as it's been texts and calls. But of course all above board as I'm sure yours is.

Ok… his wife 🤷‍♀️

Well, your experience is similar to mine. If my male friends are hankering to get into my underwear, they’re playing a remarkably long game. Nearly three decades long in some cases. Perhaps I’m very resistible…

This!

Likewise if you have a friend who is lesbian. There os a strange MN logic that thinks the whole world wants to bed you.

To my mind a lot of people on this thread have no sense of boundaries or etiquette of a kind that are there for a reason.

Boundaries,
between the OP and this man’s wife and the wife’s home.

Between the OP herself and this man, who is at this stage is just an acquaintance.

So to meet up for coffee at this point the OP should go somewhere public and neutral to meet up with him.

His messages seem perfectly straightforward and related to the help the OP gave him with the job. His offer of wanting to thank the OP sounds genuine.
All the more reason to treat her to a smart cafe; and thus would also obviously be neutral ground.

That would show her his gratitude and respect; and also respect to his wife who is out at work.

There’s a big difference between having a good male friend that you trust, and putting yourself in a vulnerable position with a man you barely know. He could be a raging pervert for all OP knows.