Oh shit I think I'm her...

[Booklook]

I have a long standing male friend. I have never felt we were personally that close, we're friendly and often out in the same group but I never felt any 'connection' and am much closer to others in the group. We'd never do anything just the the two of us and never message except in the group.

I'd been single for a long time, but got together with BF c. 6m ago. Friend has been married 20+ years.

Since I got with BF, friend has started telling the group how unhappy he is at home. How he thinks they're at a turning point etc. Then a couple of times he's told me he's in love with me and should have told me before I got with BF. I had no idea why he thinks I need that information even if I was still single, as he's not!

His wife doesn't often come out with us, I like her a lot and have over the years made lots of attempts to include her more. She mostly prefers him to go out without her.

Last time she did come, she had a bit to drink and told me about how things haven't been right since he told her how much he fancies a friend's GF (BF is also part of the group).

I could throttle him and also wonder if she was testing because she knows or suspects he was talking about me.

For the first time in years my personal life is actually really easy and comfortable...

This is going to turn horrible, isn't?

Fwiw I listened, with the others, to his marital woes but told him he needs to talk to her. This was before her talk with me. When he told me about his 'love' for me, I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous. I've been careful not to be alone with him, even for a minute since.

I'll feel i need to "do" something, but also worry that anything i do could make it worse.

Keep your distance from him in every way you can
(I know you've said this already that you're avoiding being alone with him).

Can you make mutual friends aware so they are prepared if he says anything to them.
His poor wife. He sounds such an arse

And yes, it was possible that his wife was testing you.
Can you just meet mutual friends at other times so as to avoid him completely?

From your account, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here. You weren’t trying to have an exclusive friendship with him even before his declaration of love, you clearly showed him you weren’t interested in him romantically or sexually, and you’ve very sensibly not been alone with him since he spoke to you.

This is between him and his wife. For all you know, he fancies other women a lot, and when his wife was confiding in you, the woman in the case wasn’t even you. It would be perfectly in order just to keep all this quiet. That runs the risk of him telling his wife that he’s attracted to you and she feels betrayed because she was talking to you as a friend and you didn’t make the position clear. So as an alternative, you could tell his wife what he said to you….but that could blow it up, make it seem more ‘important’ to her than it is to you. It’s something he should tell his wife. You don’t in any way reciprocate his feelings, and in your place I would stay right out of it.

That's pretty shit of him to lay this on you, OP, when you've not encouraged it in any way. I think you need to steer well clear of any personal conversations with him, and make it very clear that you are not interested.

Did you make it clear you are 100 percent not interested? I just can’t see it in your post

Do nothing except slightly cold shoulder him. Continue on with your BF and be happy.

This is going to turn horrible, isn't?

Possibly, but it can stay between the two of them. Shut down his sexy talk, tell him you don't want to hear it and don't entertain it; hang up, don't answer texts or exit the conversation if you have to. There is nothing you can do to make it better but many things that could make it worse. Just stay out of it, court no drama, and if anything turns horrible, it's their issue.

"I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous. I've been careful not to be alone with him, even for a minute since."

There hasn't been anything to "hang up" on. He worked in the courst for a while and has often joked "never put anything in a text you wouldn't want to read out in court".

He's occasionally sent something asking how I am, if e.g. I've been unwell or had a special event. I've been ignoring those.

Well done responding the way you did. Seems like he is looking for an excuse to end his marriage, and you are not that excuse he wants.

Have you told your boyfriend about this?
Are you concerned he’ll want to address it directly with other “friend”?
This man is being disrespectful to you and to your boyfriend, as well as to his poor wife. He’s basically saying that he feels he had a chance with you (despite being married and you having given him no indication that you were at all interested) and that he has missed that chance because you are now with another man. The arrogance, sexism, entitlement and delusion in that is pretty staggering.
I’m not asking because I think any of this is your fault/responsibility - I was just wondering about the dynamics of the group and your existing relationship.

Also let’s not overlook the fact that there’s a particular type of man who is much more attracted to anyone and anything that they can’t have. This man seems like the kind of emotional incompetent who suddenly found you more attractive because another man wanted you which is a special sort of fucked-up patriarchal shite. It’s deeply immature and deeply unattractive

I did tell BF and he laughed it off as stupid drunk antics.

I do think he wouldn't have said it if he hadn't been drinking, but I don't think that's all it was. BF is still inviting him to things he doesn't really need to. E.g we went to see a band friend likes so BF invited him along, whereas it wouldn't be odd to go alone as a couple. .

Some men would take laughing and brushing it off as encouragement. Not saying this is the case here . I would be saying I’m not interested full stop and never will be , If it comes up again and you intend keeping the friendship.

Yes I agree. This is a man I've thought of as one of the good ones for a lot of years. I'm very disappointed.

Honestly it sounds like he is sabotaging his marriage and will drag you in to the mess. As everyone else says, stay away, you say you aren't hugely close anyway, just make excuses and avoid. Focus on you and your partner and don't answer and messages or calls from him, in fact I would block his number. Don't leave any room for mixed signals to be cited by him or you'll lose your new partner too.

There really are very few calls or messages anyway. Pretty much everything has always been through group chats. He's never phoned.

That should make it easier then.
Men do seem to use communication as a reason to think women are interested in them - often in a completely deluded way, so just block if he does.

Does your new partner know that you think he is doing this with you in mind?

Next time your BF invites this person along, tell your BF that you're not going.

Make it crystal clear to him that you do not want to be anywhere near this man any time soon, and you would appreciate it if he stops arranging things.

I think he’s been testing the water with multiple women.

Just saw this, sorry.
I think you need to explain to your bf he makes you a bit uncomfortable, so you won't be joining in the things he is going to.

Ugh, he sounds like a grade A piece of sh*t OP. You’ve been very clear with him and ur BF so that’s great. Now I’d try farting, burping, talking about periods and discharge loads in his company, and saying how much you admire Nigel Farage and surely this dolt will bolt.

Oh she was testing you alright. But you handled this quite well. Going forward, do not engage with any of them.

When you've lived as long as I have, you'll learn that men (no matter how "good" they seem) never fail to disappoint.

do you have a trusted friend you could confide in to ensure that you are never alone with him?