Oh shit I think I'm her...

[Booklook]

I have a long standing male friend. I have never felt we were personally that close, we're friendly and often out in the same group but I never felt any 'connection' and am much closer to others in the group. We'd never do anything just the the two of us and never message except in the group.

I'd been single for a long time, but got together with BF c. 6m ago. Friend has been married 20+ years.

Since I got with BF, friend has started telling the group how unhappy he is at home. How he thinks they're at a turning point etc. Then a couple of times he's told me he's in love with me and should have told me before I got with BF. I had no idea why he thinks I need that information even if I was still single, as he's not!

His wife doesn't often come out with us, I like her a lot and have over the years made lots of attempts to include her more. She mostly prefers him to go out without her.

Last time she did come, she had a bit to drink and told me about how things haven't been right since he told her how much he fancies a friend's GF (BF is also part of the group).

I could throttle him and also wonder if she was testing because she knows or suspects he was talking about me.

For the first time in years my personal life is actually really easy and comfortable...

This is going to turn horrible, isn't?

Fwiw I listened, with the others, to his marital woes but told him he needs to talk to her. This was before her talk with me. When he told me about his 'love' for me, I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous. I've been careful not to be alone with him, even for a minute since.

I'll feel i need to "do" something, but also worry that anything i do could make it worse.

I'd do absolutely nothing apart from ignore him.
Since I've been single (and indeed during divorce proceedings) more than a couple of married men have tried it on.

These are men that I've been good friends with. I ignore and avoid. I owe them nothing.

I've had to arrange a different lift share to an event in a couple of weeks because the driver of the share I was taking also invited a man who's been inappropriate towards me.

It may well turn horrible between you and him, because at some point you're going to have to have the "Colin, I wouldn't be interested in you if you were the last man on earth" conversation. Because it tends to be the only way they accept it. Telling them not to ridiculous, they're married just makes them think if they weren't married you'd be interested.

This is relatively easy as you have no romantic feelings for him. It may mean ending the friendship but essentially you need to distance yourself, remove any connection to him on social media because ultimately you don't want him looking at your photos, eww.

I had one like this, an old friend from decades ago, we have always chatted and I really just considered him a mate / confidante about work and some health issues, always thought it wierd that he never invites me to anything with his wife....then I mention that I'm starting to date (I'm a perennial single) and he became really flirty and then told me he'd had a crush on me in the past.

To be honest I had as well but we were early 20s and I buried all that when he got married (same GF he had when we worked togther).

It took a while to extract myself and eventually I told him I was leaving that social media platform (which I was) which we'd been messaging on.

I feel more free now, it's actually quite a lot of pressure feeling as you're not wanting to do or say anything disrespectful and questioning everything you do. It was like a cloud of guilt and mind fuckery - for doing nothing. Fuck that shit. Enjoy your relationship.

Reflecting on it now, I was naive. I think it's easier to have female friends (although I like male company, male friendships are frought I think).

I think you should tell your bf that the friend has made you really uncomfortable and that you don't want him invited along to any outings in future. If you have to see him at group outings, I would avoid him and keep your distance. Hopefully he'll get the message!

Blimey.

I would back away from this situation very carefully...

Maybe try to make some new friends. Book group or such.

I find it really odd that your boyfriend can just brush it off and laugh like that and STILL invite him out even though you have told him about it all! He should be ensuring that you feel comfortable with all situations so why on earth would he insist on inviting this guy out?

I think you need some better men in your life.

I'll feel i need to "do" something, but also worry that anything i do could make it worse.

You don’t need to do anything.

Just carry on with life as normal. If your friend declares his love for you again, politely but firmly shut him down.

Their marriage will either continue or end. But either way it’s not your fault and you don’t need to be involved.

Actually, some men turn weird if a woman they've known as single for a long time then partners up. I had an odd experience when I got engaged. There was a colleague from our Dutch office who I'd see occasionally at conferences and inter-office meetups. He never tried anything with me. And then - get this! - when I got engaged, he was PISSED OFF! Turned out he'd liked me from a distance, I suppose. The entire thing was beyond strange. I wonder if some men feel an ownership of a woman they like as long as no one else has "claimed" her. (Gross phrase, I know, I'm just trying to express what might be in his head.)

I think men who do this are inadequate. The fact that they have the nerve to express these feelings is 🤬.

If he mentions or tried anything again, you have to be really clear that this is inappropriate, you’re happily married, and if you hear about any of this nonsense again you’ll be telling his wife. He’s put you in an awkward position, the correct response is to be cross with him.

Stay in touch with the wife. He may be looking for an exit strategy to his marriage and another woman to move onto. You are just caught up in the fallout of their marriage. Men rarely leave without another bed to get into to - they always have another woman (they love) which justifies their appalling behaviour.

there's always one 🙄
But you can say exactly the same about us women so I guess it makes it fair?

OP, you have a boyfriend, just stay well out of it, and ignore.

If the married guy becomes inappropriate, make a big fuss, like you would do with anyone being inappropriate. Until then, it's not your problem, you have your life and your boyfriend.

This is obviously not true. Ahem. Ahem. Men and women are perfectly capable of being just friends and it is only old-fashioned people who live in the 1870s can think otherwise. Nothing bad will ever come out of man-to-woman friendship, obviously, how can it be otherwise. Oh, shit.... wait....

Speak to him once. Be straight and kind but not "nice"

You were startled when he mentioned it. Even if you were both single you arent interested in that way (dont temper that message)

That out of respect for his wife, and his complex feelings youre going to give him a bit of space one on one but will see him with the group as usual and hope to never speak about it again.

Then dont get drawn into it, with him, with the wife, with the group. Silence is golden

I agree with you and I am always skeptical about those threads where very close MF friendships involve lots of 121 events and never include OHs, but none of that was the case here!

You are clearly enjoying it, it is obvious and who would not want their self-esteem boosted like that?
If you were not enjoying it, you would have known how to nip it in the bud - would you not? How to 'switch him off' so to say. In the meantime you playing the coy game - avoiding him. Yeah, right. Like in a period drama, encouraging the chase.
So here is a piece of advice for you (not mine, I read it on MN a while back). Tell him something that would cool his ardour and make him associate you with the embarrassment - for example 'Please, let us not talk about it anymore and by the way, your breath smells awful, I just want to tell you as a friend'. Or, 'Please, let us not talk about it, but the way your sweat smells, I am trying not to gag, I am sorry, but as a friend, I thought I would tell you'. Make him feel disgusting to himself and make him associate it with you.

She was clear. A man who takes “don’t be so bloody ridiculous” and avoidance as encouragement will take “I’m not interested” as being coy. If he’s a man like that it doesn’t matter what OP says to him.

Tell him his behaviour is appalling. He's itching for an affair. His wife needs to ditch him pronto. Awful man.

WTF!?

OP isn’t “enjoying it” just because she doesn’t make some shit up. She’s trying to negotiate a tricky situation that has the potential to blow up her friendship group.

It is not a tricky situation. Here - use it 'your breath stinks' and all his ardour will disappear. What is not clear in this message? Tricky situation, my arse in parsley.

'When he told me about his 'love' for me, I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous'

The correct response should have been a cold glare a 'what?' Followed by walking off. He's told you a couple of times now, he clearly thinks you giggling in response means he's in with a chance. Find better friends.

I wouldn't say your breath stinks to anyone in a friendship group I wanted to stay in, likely to backfire on OP. I think being absolutely up front you are not interested and then avoiding for forseeable is way to go. He's itching for an affair, I knew an OH like this, casting about, flirting, and sure enough within about a year he was leaving the wife and went off with someone else which removed him from our vicinity which was best anyway.

It's quite upsetting to have these things blow up in your face, although not unheard of.

Yes, always easier to know what you should have said afterwards.

Find better friends isn't particularly helpful. It's taken years to build this group. Starting from scratch really isn't so easy, and (afaik) there's nothing wrong with the rest of them.

I wouldn't move off and away from the whole group, just ignore him, don't seek him out, don't listen to him sympathetically etc. Just carry on your own life. Sometimes people confess all when drunk, 'I love you, I do' type stuff, don't over-react, don't under-react.

I have a special friendly but entirely unavailable air that is useful for these type of situations, also see colleagues inviting you out for dinner, older men in the workplace.

I think it's cheeky of him and no reason to lose your own friendship group.

You shouldn't need a script when a married man tells you he's in love with you twice. The first time maybe caught off guard but the second time you should have been ready with a cold 'stop it i am not interested'.

Avoid been alone with him, focus on the other friends in the group if these are the only ones you have.