Oh shit I think I'm her...

[Booklook]

I have a long standing male friend. I have never felt we were personally that close, we're friendly and often out in the same group but I never felt any 'connection' and am much closer to others in the group. We'd never do anything just the the two of us and never message except in the group.

I'd been single for a long time, but got together with BF c. 6m ago. Friend has been married 20+ years.

Since I got with BF, friend has started telling the group how unhappy he is at home. How he thinks they're at a turning point etc. Then a couple of times he's told me he's in love with me and should have told me before I got with BF. I had no idea why he thinks I need that information even if I was still single, as he's not!

His wife doesn't often come out with us, I like her a lot and have over the years made lots of attempts to include her more. She mostly prefers him to go out without her.

Last time she did come, she had a bit to drink and told me about how things haven't been right since he told her how much he fancies a friend's GF (BF is also part of the group).

I could throttle him and also wonder if she was testing because she knows or suspects he was talking about me.

For the first time in years my personal life is actually really easy and comfortable...

This is going to turn horrible, isn't?

Fwiw I listened, with the others, to his marital woes but told him he needs to talk to her. This was before her talk with me. When he told me about his 'love' for me, I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous. I've been careful not to be alone with him, even for a minute since.

I'll feel i need to "do" something, but also worry that anything i do could make it worse.

@sothatsthat are you okay ?
You are being so over the top, why should the OP give up her friendship group because of a man, she has shown no interest in.
It seems you are massively projecting your own experiences onto op, I’m sorry that whatever has happened to you in your life has made you so deeply unpleasant!!

What I know of you certainly makes me want to avoid you!! It is really really common to have awkward dynamics between two members of a friendship group and no it doesn’t mean the woman who didn’t start anything has to walk away from her friends, presumably until it might happen again and she has to abandon next group of friends should she have been lucky enough to make them. The op is doing fine and women are not responsible for men’s actions.

I have been on the receiving end of drunken declarations many moons ago, I just didn't act on it, spend time alone, encourage it and it went away. Often these men are just fantasising about sex with you and interested to see if you'll go along with it, you are not going to.

I think these things are quite common though as people go in and out of relationships especially when they are settling down or when they are mid-life. I would say probably 1/3 of all my friend's husbands have been a bit sleazy or inappropriate with at least someone over the years, if not me.

You can't run your life or your friendships round these men, best to just ignore him, don't spend time together when you are out, not that hard I think, and if he does try to engage you in conversation, just walk away.

I don't think male-female attraction is fatal to friendships, but nothing should be happening that you wouldn't want your partner to see, same with texts, anything else is crossing the line and you just have to put up the boundary very firmly: do not text me again, or do not speak to me again about this.

Are you ok? Do you not understand clear language and logic? You are being so over the top and have offered a bizarre response.

Why should reality matter at all? You're right, she should just keep seeing the creepy man who wants to fuck her and then act surprised when it all goes tits up.

Or, she could act like a rational adult with integrity and avoid him altogether, like a normal person. It is entirely 100% up to her if that means she avoids the group, if she had the sense she was born with she could certainly make sure she she saw her other friends without him, but I won't get involved in sticky arguments about imaginary logistics with self-serving disingenous people.

No idea why you're so unpleasant when you read something rational and factual and don't actually care. There's nothing more to add (but I bet you will 😆)

Yes, exactly that. I have distanced myself from him and barely to speak to him even when I'm at the same do, but I'm not cutting myself off as some sort of pennance for his actions.

I guess the question then is what's the problem? Is it that his wife is fishing? I honestly think I might be inclined to be quite honest with her, I feel sorry for her if he's saying how awful she is to everyone. He's an utter sleaze, who does that to their own actual wife? He's worse and worse now I think about it.

Yes, but I don't care you see. At all. You don't exist to me, and once I have stopped typing this I will entirely forget about you forever.

As stated she can avoid the creepy man who wants to fuck her entirely or continue to enjoy the drama and attention and wait for everything to go tits up. It's not difficult and there's no more to add (but I bet you will too! 😆)

I don't pretend reality isn't real and I use rationality to figure out problems. It can be confronting to those who prefer hectoring drama posts. But you do you.

Just re posting this for context, as people keep boringly tagging me to have a bizarre mini meltdown. Some people just love drama I suppose :)

Anyway, here's your answer. You're welcome.

You said you never message except in the group but this isn't true is it ? Or does he tell you he's in love with you in group messages?

What kind of man discusses his marriage in group chats ? What kind of friends indulge in this?

what an ugly mess of people!

You are clearly determined to misunderstand, and seem very worked up over the op.
Me and others have made a reasonable point regarding your dramatics to the situation!
If you can’t offer the op advice without getting nasty and personal that’s on you..
@Booklook I think you’ve done the right thing you’ve not engaged in flirty messages, emotional confessions, or “deep talks” about feelings, you’ve been honest with your bf. Maybe just have a more firm conversation with your bf how the other guy makes you feel uncomfortable and you’d rather keep distance between you.

Could you explain the rationale behind you criticising OP for enjoying “the drama and attention”, while you’re still here, enjoying the drama and attention please?

You are clearly determined to misunderstand and are very worked up over my rational clear posts. So odd. Try not to be so nasty and personal, it would be helpful to you in your life.

Please stop involving me, it's boring and you have nothing to add. Only you can chose to keep going with the over dramatic nonsense, or choose not to. Just like OP.

Then why are you still replying 😂

I keep being quoted and tagged. By both the OP and a couple of triggered commenters. Every response I have made for the last half an hour has been a reply to someone's comment.

If you don't want a reply, don't address someone. It's so simple, just like my clear and rational responses to the OP. No need for any more of your drama and attention seeking behaviour.

All you can do at this point is to keep your distance, don't engage with any messages he may send (but from what you say that's rare unless in a group chat) and avoid being in his company on your own. By laughing and telling him not to ridiculous, when he told you he loved you, that's a clear indication that you aren't interested. His marital woes are not your business or problem, they are his to sort out with his wife. He may very well believe he's in love with you, but you're not responsible for his feelings and neither do you have to reciprocate them. There's nothing within your post that suggests to me that you've given him any indication that you're romantically interested in him. Up until the point he told you he loved you, there doesn't seem to be any clues that he had any feelings towards you at all, so it's all rather come out of the blue. Personally, I don't see why you should walk away from your friendship group because of him - you've done nothing wrong. If he does say anything again to you, then you need to tell him very bluntly 'Mike. I'm not interested in you romantically or sexually, and there will never be an 'us'. Please stop with this behaviour, it's completely unwanted' and walk away. Sometimes, bluntness, verging on rude is the only way to make a point.

Then why are you still replying 😆Exactly.

Maybe just stop being so dramatic and attention seeking and stop involving my rational, clear posts in your drama and attention seeking. Problem solved :)

You were supposedly leaving the thread half a dozen posts ago, having spread your bile, and yet still, here you are.

Put the gin down and go to bed.

Oh dear, are you an alcoholic as well as being unpleasant and spreading bile? I always find projection to be very strong on these threads.

Nope, I clearly and rationally said that I would leave the thread when people stopped responding to me. I'm sorry that you thought this was the thread for you to comment endlessly and tag and involve others and expect no response. That's not how it works. YW :)

i rest my case.

Precisely :)

I see what he's doing. He's miserable in his marriage and then he sees you get into a nice relationship after a long time single and and gets jealous, and wonders how he can break up your relationship to make himself feel better.

This man is not in love with you.
This man is not your friend.
Tell your close friends in the group what he's doing.

For @booklook, read "interruptatron" - best ignored completely. Some really bizarre attempts at baiting going on there.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing.💐
I would only add, speak to BF and make sure he's 100% clear that you don't want to participate in small group outings involving this guy. He'll only try it on if he can find an opportunity to be alone with you. Then he'll gaslight you in front of your friends if you confront him in company. No need to give up the friendship group, though I do think some of them are ill-advised to discuss other people's marital woes in group, if only because it sets a precedent. If his wife 'tests' you again, I'd just say you have never seen the guy as anything other than a friend, and wouldn't be at all interested.
There was a thread here recently about a woman who was dropped by her best friend after being propositioned in horrendous terms by the friend's bf, even though she had smacked it down immediately, and the guy was known to have 'form'.
Some people on this thread seem absolutely determined to blame the woman, regardless of evidence.

Jeez some of these answers. Op you’ve done nothing wrong, this is not your fault, and of course you don’t need to leave the group,

I keep seeing this on here, women blaming other women for men’s shit behaviour. What’s actually wrong with people.

but one thing is right, you need to shut it down hard, next time you see him, take him aside and tell him even if you were single you would not be interested and there is no circumstance you’d ever be involved with him. Be brutal. Close it down hard. Tell him straight it will never happen. Spell it out. Tell him you don’t find him attractive, and walk away.

I take that back.

He didn't have to tell you. But I can see why he did.

Yeah. Would have been less selfish to have dealt with it himself. People in love are...optimistic - regardless of circumstance.

None of it was in a group chat or any other message. It was all face to face on a night out.