Oh shit I think I'm her...

[Booklook]

I have a long standing male friend. I have never felt we were personally that close, we're friendly and often out in the same group but I never felt any 'connection' and am much closer to others in the group. We'd never do anything just the the two of us and never message except in the group.

I'd been single for a long time, but got together with BF c. 6m ago. Friend has been married 20+ years.

Since I got with BF, friend has started telling the group how unhappy he is at home. How he thinks they're at a turning point etc. Then a couple of times he's told me he's in love with me and should have told me before I got with BF. I had no idea why he thinks I need that information even if I was still single, as he's not!

His wife doesn't often come out with us, I like her a lot and have over the years made lots of attempts to include her more. She mostly prefers him to go out without her.

Last time she did come, she had a bit to drink and told me about how things haven't been right since he told her how much he fancies a friend's GF (BF is also part of the group).

I could throttle him and also wonder if she was testing because she knows or suspects he was talking about me.

For the first time in years my personal life is actually really easy and comfortable...

This is going to turn horrible, isn't?

Fwiw I listened, with the others, to his marital woes but told him he needs to talk to her. This was before her talk with me. When he told me about his 'love' for me, I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous. I've been careful not to be alone with him, even for a minute since.

I'll feel i need to "do" something, but also worry that anything i do could make it worse.

'I could throttle him"

Just that one line in your op says it all.

You are too close to him.

Are you sure you didn't end your singldom to make him take action.

@Booklook I think you're doing all the right things, as you said, why should you give up the group of friends when he is the arse in all this. Keep grey rock-ing him and hopefully he'll give it up. Men are dicks a lot of the time.

But it’s not as stated. Just because you say it doesn’t make it true. She’s not enjoying the creepy man’s attention, that’s just some weird scenario in your head. As is the idea you aren’t writing hectoring posts, totally delusional.

I bet you read this. So you had to think about me AGAIN. So sorry 😁😁 but it’s good that you don’t care what people on the internet think 😂

OP - you are receiving some bat shit responses on here.
the internalised misogyny directed at you from other posters is off the scale.

I can’t believe that someone is suggesting that you should cut off all your friends because a man you aren’t interested in said he fancied you!

You know what you should do?

Nothing.

Ignore it all.

You're 100% in the clear.

If his wife thinks you are the Other Woman, let her.
You know you aren't.

It's for him and her to sort out if she thinks something is going on.

Carry on as normal .

BF is still inviting him to things he doesn't really need to. E.g we went to see a band friend likes so BF invited him along, whereas it wouldn't be odd to go alone as a couple. .

He's inviting a guy who made you extremely uncomfortable along on what could have been a nice date for the two of you?

I wouldn't call that a breath of fresh air response at all. Why's he inviting this guy along? Most guys would be making things pretty uncomfortable for a married guy who hit on their gf, not inviting him as a 3rd wheel.

But whatever, this guy is in the wrong here. You shouldn't be giving up your friends. Just make him think twice about ever approaching you like that again.

Yes, I know that's a bit odd, but BF has felt socially excluded in the past and is always keen to include people/make sure no one gets left out. We do lots just the two of us too. I think he genuinely believes this is all a non issue, just the rumblings of a daft drunk. I hope he's right.

I had something kind of similar happen to me but it was not as bad because I rarely saw the man involved.. I knew the man through his wife who I had gone to school with (many years ago). They met when they were quite young and started a family when the rest of us were still partying.
Shortly after I had my first child, the man contacted me to say he'd always thought I was special blah blah. I thought he was drunk and brushed/laughed it off initially. But the messages continued. It was quite bizarre as I received them when I was doing night feeds with my then baby (which he was well aware of).

It was awkward because he's a nice enough man and I thought maybe he was having a mental breakdown of soem sort. I tried brushing it off, then ignoring it and then telling him to talk to his wife. In the end, I was afraid to pick up my phone as dreaded seeing messages from him. I blocked him from all my devices.

Within months the man left his wife. They may have been going through a difficult time when he started messaging me. I presume so but I was more concerned that she wouldn't think I had encouraged him in any way. She is a nice person and he walked away from her and his children.

OP this man's marriage is over and in my opinion, he is just fixating on whatever could have been with you because its a fantasy of a different life.
Thats what I took from it when my friend's husband sent me messages.

I was worried for a while that she had seen his messages. She never mentioned it and we're still in contact.

Your boyfriend inviting him to things is really really odd. Did he consult you about this?

I wish his wife cud read this....she's the only person in this scenario who seems to need love and support💔. Probably oblivious to what that weasel of a husband is up to. 😔 So sad.

You also said he told you a couple of times that he loved you? So this doesn’t really make sense.

The friendship’s over. I wouldn’t have any contact with him. You can be polite at group events but no messaging or seeing each other.

When married men try and tell me they’re unhappy with their wives (and lots did when I was single and some still do it now), I found the only way to deal with it was to say ‘that sounds like something you need to discuss with your wife’. I didn’t and don’t need an ego boost from these men.

Regardless of whether this dude's attentions can be fairly dismissed as "the ramblings of a drunk" or not, tell your boyfriend firmly that you don't want to see this person any more that strictly necessary, and if bf does choose to socialise with him, it'll be without you. It's easy for him to make jokes as he's not the target, but your comfort should be more important to him than the delusional wants of some drunk dude. Since it sounds like this was originally YOUR friend not his, this shouldn't be a big sacrifice for him at all, and I'd think less of him if he continues to ignore your concerns and requests.

You also said he told you a couple of times that he loved you? So this doesn’t really make sense.

I understand OP to mean she now avoids being alone with him after he told her he loved her.

Is it possible, OP, that the guys have talked about the women in the group before and the fact this guy fancies you is not news to your BF?

I think you handled it well so far. It’s quite possible you aren’t the only one I. The group he’s said this too, but I’m not sure it’s worth the possible fall out of finding that out.

good luck it’s tricky, don’t lose your other friends because of it.

That's not my experience so I obviously don't agree. I find men way more likely to go chasing a bit on the side (especially a younger model) than any woman I've ever known. They're also far more likely to consider their own needs/wants first and foremost when times are tough (or even if they're not). To say nothing of the requisite massaging of their rather fragile egos. I've lived and worked in 5 different countries and have known men and women from a wide range of demographics. I'm now in my late 60's and I'm afraid these are my findings on men. Generally I cannot say the same about women.

You said in your OP that your friend discusses his marriage in the group chat. What kind of person does that?

Well yes, but the OP had already spoken to her DP about him, yet he continued to invite this bloke along, which was pretty darn thoughtless. So now she needs to be a bit more assertive.

This bloke sounds like a grade one creep looking for a bit on the side or a new girlfriend. Sleaze Ball

Try and avoid contact with him.
Block all communications from him. Texts, emails, calls. Tell him.your mobile phone keeps playing up.

Or tell him you going to tell his wife if he does it again.
The silly boy needs a wake up call.

Exactly. Unless or until he tries declaring his love again (in which case be brutally clear), not your circus, not your monkeys.