Oh shit I think I'm her...

[Booklook]

I have a long standing male friend. I have never felt we were personally that close, we're friendly and often out in the same group but I never felt any 'connection' and am much closer to others in the group. We'd never do anything just the the two of us and never message except in the group.

I'd been single for a long time, but got together with BF c. 6m ago. Friend has been married 20+ years.

Since I got with BF, friend has started telling the group how unhappy he is at home. How he thinks they're at a turning point etc. Then a couple of times he's told me he's in love with me and should have told me before I got with BF. I had no idea why he thinks I need that information even if I was still single, as he's not!

His wife doesn't often come out with us, I like her a lot and have over the years made lots of attempts to include her more. She mostly prefers him to go out without her.

Last time she did come, she had a bit to drink and told me about how things haven't been right since he told her how much he fancies a friend's GF (BF is also part of the group).

I could throttle him and also wonder if she was testing because she knows or suspects he was talking about me.

For the first time in years my personal life is actually really easy and comfortable...

This is going to turn horrible, isn't?

Fwiw I listened, with the others, to his marital woes but told him he needs to talk to her. This was before her talk with me. When he told me about his 'love' for me, I laughed and told him not to be bloody ridiculous. I've been careful not to be alone with him, even for a minute since.

I'll feel i need to "do" something, but also worry that anything i do could make it worse.

Which is what I've done.

I agree. Any woman who thinks all men are the same is rather pathetic. I’m embarrassed for them.

'Fwiw I listened, with the others, to his marital woes but told him he needs to talk to her.'

As a group try not to encourage the public slagging off of his wife. For you and others to have listened to his marital woes is appalling.

If he wants to talk 1 to 1 to a <male> friend fine but it shouldn't be to an audience.

Yes I know. Telling him to talk to DW was an attempt to shut it down. The trouble is some of the group wanted all the details!

Shut him down HARD. I mean so hard he has not one doubt that you mean what you say.

He's crossed quite a few lines.

Laughing can be taken as not serious.

Tell him you have no interest in him, it's never going to happen, and stop dumping his shit on you. You aren't his therapist. Avoid him. Block his personal numbers. Cut him dead. Be colder than the South Pole to him.

Your BF, sorry, is not taking this guy seriously. He's a nasty creep.

God how utterly awful for the wife, her scumbag husband chatting other women up and then having the cheek to discuss her with a whole group of people who are willing to listen to this disloyal shitbag.

Not cool, wouldn't even give him the time of day.
Stop gossiping about his marriage it looks like you're taking sides.

Fuck he sounds bad and your gang sounds shit.
Wife is being bullied and he is not a protector, do you really want compliments from that shithead.
This reads very badly, poor woman.

He told her things haven't been right since he told her how much he fancies a friend's GF

Yeah - that doesn't sound like the sort of thing a man would say to his wife. Very suss.

I'm not going to raise it with him to say any of that stuff. I don't he'll raise it again.

BF's response was actually a breath of fresh air. Unthreatened, sympathetic but no drama.

It’s really not that clear. You have to be explicitly clear about these things sometimes. Failing that end the friendship and make it clear why.

OP - you’ve more than made it clear you aren’t interested.

I think a lot of PPs wouldn’t be happy unless you’d punched him in his face then pissed in his pint.

It really grinds my gears when women are blamed for men not taking no for an answer.

I think you just need to stay out of it regarding his wife. And just keep doing what you’re doing - don’t be alone with him, tell your BF not to invite him unless it’s a whole group thing because he makes you feel uncomfortable.

I mean, he may be in love with you. So he has to tell you.

However, you don't have to take responsibility for that. You don't have to sort anything out. You don't have to take any action. You don't have to say anything other than 'Sorry - but I'm not in love with you.'

That's about it really.

Did he? I wish he hadn't.

"Then a couple of times he's told me he's in love with me and should have told me before I got with BF. I had no idea why he thinks I need that information even if I was still single, as he's not!"

I find your disingenousness here a bit wearisome, if I am honest. You knew precisely why he told you - he wants to fuck you.

This has happened to me in the past with married men, and I instantaneously stopped all contact with them, forever. That's the go to if you don't want that sort of attention.

His poor wife. Yes, you're that woman the mystical unicorn of a "platonic" female friend that so many of the coolwives here claim are no problem at all.

I mean, in a way they're right, being a coolwife is a bit of a sad and deluded state of affairs - but it's the men in the equation that are usually the problem, the coolwives are just trying to retain a shred of dignity by saying they think their husband's behaviour is harmless fun - if they say it enough times maybe they can really believe it.

Anyway, it's not difficult - not at all. Few things are as complex as we wish they were. Just never see him again. Ever. Never talk to him, never message him, never hang out in a group with him.

Sorted. Yep, that is a choice. If you choose not to do that it is because you value something more than your own integrity and a low drama life - could be the attention, could be the nights out, could be the drama, could be - insert whatever you value more than integrity and lack of drama.

This is your clear and obvious solution. There's really no dilemma. Make a choice - you will continue to tolerate this creepy, grubby, sleazy shit of man or cut him off entirely.

And by the way, if anyone reading this is offended by the term coolwife it's because you are a coolwife and need to give your head a wobble. I'll continue to use the term because it's a perfect shortcut and annoys only the right people.

I "value" the group. He isn't and never has been a close friend (and I agree with you on that) but the group is important to me, as are some of the individuals.

'OP - you’ve more than made it clear you aren’t interested.I think a lot of PPs wouldn’t be happy unless you’d punched him in his face then pissed in his pint.'

No punching or pissing in pints required. He obviously feels he's in with a chance as he's said he's 'in love with her' twice. A firm, cold 'not interested' is all that is required, not giggling and calling him silly/ a naughty boy as if an extra in a Benny Hill sketch.

I think you're writing your own story there. I didn't "giggle" I laughed in his face, told him he was ridiculous and walked away.

You did the right thing. If he ever brings it up again you can tell him how rude it is to discuss his relationship behind his wife’s back with mutual friends. He should discuss it with her and, if he needs a sounding board, a professional counsellor. And encourage her to come out more often because she’s great company and a lovely woman who he is lucky to be married to.

Then you are choosing hanging out in a group over integrity and lack of drama. Your choice is made. If there is fallout, you cannot pretend you did not know it might come. This is your decision, nobody made it for you, we can only ever control what we do, not what others do.

I would wish you luck, but what I know of you makes me dislike you. I'm sure the feeling is returned, but that doesn't matter at all to me.

Self serving disingenous people of both sexes give me the ick, and they tend to hate the truth being presented in clear simple terms.

If you're not keen on drama, as you claimed, you can shut the thread down now. You have your answer. I won't post further, unless I'm quoted or tagged. Unfollowing the thread now.

Wow. So I'm supposed to give up all my friends because of a sleazy man?

I’m afraid the only thing which is likely to work is putting an external audience in the mix. If anything is said again, ever, say “this needs to stop. (Boyfriend) knows all about this by the way”. He’s trying to create secrets, don’t let him…

I get it, I just don"t know why it's down to me to give up what's important to meto solve it. It's like the secretary being sacked because her boss is letching over her. I thought maybe we'd made some progress.

Irrelevant. Reality doesn't care what is fair or unfair. You have made your choice to keep the drama and lack of integrity in your life. There's nothing more to add.

Wow I mean she could just have a normal conversation? It sounds like bf is being carefully very nice and respecting his partner, and it’s just up to the op to say you know I’d prefer you didn’t invite him along to things where its not just the whole group, I’m not attracted to him and think he’s been quite disrespectful, we don’t have to be reaching out to actively hang out.

It isn't on you to solve anything. It's not your problem. Just shut it down. Don't say it's because he's married or he'll think there's chemistry and desire and it's only the marriage preventing it. Do whatever you'd do if some slimy horrible creep (other than this one) who repulses you was trying it on and kill any thought of chemistry stone dead. Unless he's a psycho, he'll stop if he truly believes you've got no feelings for him at all.