Why is it taboo to admit you are having children because you want to be looked after when old?

[KeenTaupeDog]

I’ve noticed that any time someone hints at this, people jump down their throats — “children aren’t your pension,” “that’s selfish,” etc.
But if we’re being honest, this used to be the whole point of having kids. In many cultures it still is. Even here, plenty of parents quietly hope their kids will care about them when they’re elderly — not just emotionally, but practically.
We act as if you’re only supposed to have children out of pure love or to “nurture the next generation,” and that expecting any return is somehow shameful. Yet everyone still wants family nearby when they’re frail, lonely or ill.
Why is it socially unacceptable to say the quiet part out loud? Is it because we’ve built an ideology of self-sufficiency that makes dependence feel dirty — even though in reality, we’ll all need someone in the end?
Not trying to be provocative, genuinely curious what people think.

Having seen the fallout on DH and SIL as PIL failed to prepare for old age and whose selfish expectations have completely tainted their legacy and final memories of their parents, I absolutely do not want my DC to be mowing my lawn and bleaching my toilet. That’s what we save for.
Several friends who have taken this on are all on on antidepressants watching the clock tick away.
The wants of those at the end of life do not trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

To be fair that’s what we all say when we are younger and can’t imagine being in the situation where we need help.
However when my grandparents, then parents and aunts/uncles got to that stage the first people they contact is their children.

I could not imagine anything worse than my 2 boys helping with my personsl care 🤑.

I have never, ever thought that the point of having children was so I’d be looked after when I’m older. I won’t be looking after my remaining parent (who walked out on our family) and I don’t expect to be looked after by my DD. I want her out there living life. Hope that helps.

Same. I just really wanted babies.

Having had to cope with a lot of elderly care, including two relatives with dementia, I certainly do NOT want my dds ever to have to look after me, and have told them so. IMO parents who expect their children to look after them in their old age are selfish - it’s not like a generation or two ago when a lot of women didn’t work. Nowadays women with careers are often torn at both ends - grandchildren at one end and decrepit, demanding elderlies at the other.

If you can afford to pay for any necessary care, IMO you should.

Because life in a Westernised late capitalist economy and society is different in 2025 to what it was 50 years ago, 100 years ago, etc.

People live longer and increasingly have more complex health and care needs that exceed their family's capacity, time and skills.

Most households are two income now and can't afford for one adult to give up work. The only adults in my family who have been able to fully care for their elderly parents/grandparents have been the workless ones who have always lived on benefits. And then they judge the working family members for not doing enough.

People have kids later in part because having a family young is less affordable. Parents therefore start ageing while their children are still raising theirs and working. Hence the term "sandwich generation".

Families increasingly are less geographically close, because of industries that have died out, rural communities being expensive to buy in, the need to move for work.

The nuclear family norm has meant we have become less comfortable with intergenerational living and used to more personal space, autonomy, etc. Most women want to have a job and run their own homes, not live under the thumb of their MIL. In more affluent pockets of societies where this is still the norm for the masses, you increasingly see people rejecting intergenerational living or moving far away/abroad too. We often romanticise or fetishize those cultures, but it's a fallacy. The less well off do it because they have no choice. As soon as people do have choices, they tend not to opt for that way of life.

Yes, also there are more expectations on parents to help out their kids (e.g. to give them a job in the family business, grandparents help with childcare etc) so it is not a uni-directional thing.

I hope my children feel no responsibility for me at all when I'm old and that I do not become selfish enough to expect them to care for me. I love them and want them to be happy and free, not miserable and stuck inside wiping my arse!

I'm not convinced it's ever been the primary reasin.

A need to spread your seed so hyou have more descendents to pass on your DNA is inbuilt into animals. Including us.

More kids cos of high infant mortality and poor contraception/ understanding/ access to abortion.

I think in traditional cultures caring for your elders is so inbuilt there's no need to specifically have children for that end iyswim

I'm not convinced it's ever been the primary reasin.

A need to spread your seed so hyou have more descendents to pass on your DNA is inbuilt into animals. Including us.

More kids cos of high infant mortality and poor contraception/ understanding/ access to abortion.

I think in traditional cultures caring for your elders is so inbuilt there's no need to specifically have children for that end iyswim

I don't want my children to look after me when I'm old. What an awful life that would be for them if I needed a lot of care and support? If I ever get to the stage I can't care for myself I'll make an exit plan 😅

I would never want my children to feel guilty or obligated to look after me in my old age. I have high plans to be helping them with childcare ect when they have children

It didn't even occur to me when I had children..In fact the last thing I want is to be looked after them when I'm too old to look after myself..
It is a terrible reason to have children.

Yes, completely agree

In a good many countries/cultures, family care will be the only type available/affordable/both.

Indian friends (in India) once told us that contrary to what people in the UK fondly like to think, looking after elderly relatives is not automatically undertaken by immediate family.
Their own relative (with dementia) was looked after many miles from their home, by 2 live in carers. As they pointed out, such arrangements are far cheaper and easier to arrange in India than in the UK. They also said that such arrangements were common among those who could afford it - I.e. the middle classes - you wouldn’t need to be loaded.

Well as one of mine is physically disabled and has a learning disability, and the other lives 5 hrs away, I did it for nothing then by your logic OP…

I think people romanticise this idea of intergenerational living. As mentioned before I work in elderly social care and almost every time I come across people who have moved in to a parents home to provide care or had multiple generations living together, it's been a complete shit show. I'm talking of toddlers living with great grandparents with advance dementia, carers basically awake 24/7 as their parent doesn't sleep and is up wandering all night, carers having a nervous breakdown and more often than not there's also other family fallings out going on or there's resentment at other family members not pulling their weight. It's something I absolutely would never want for myself or my children to do.

No one who has actually spent any length of time looking after family members in extreme old age & frailty would ever, ever want their own kids to do this. It is exhausting, immiserating, life destroying. It means you neglect your own kids & miss out on time with them. It’s a tragedy for everyone involved. It is brutal & humiliating & degrading.

I plan to stop all medication bar painkillers at 80 (if I get that far) and let my body take its chances. No way am I preserving myself for a miserable long drawn out old age like that I have seen endured by family members.

Modern geriatric medicine does not preserve life. It just makes death more drawn out. Not inflicting that on my kids. Anyone who chooses to do that is utterly selfish - and ignorant of what extreme old age, & death from it, involve.

Fast approaching 80, not visiting, helping out with shopping …. 😬
People who have not experienced it really don’t have any idea what caring for the very very old (not those approaching 80!) involves & what they would be asking their kids to do.
It’s not about mowing the lawn & helping out with the shopping & visiting for a chat.
I’m not blaming anyone for not understanding this- our society is fundamentally dishonest about what extreme old age looks like.

Giving them life doesn't mean they're obliged to spend it owing you. They will go on to have their own to take care of.

Being there for you is one thing but expecting them to look after you is another.

My friend is sandwiched between looking after her teenage children and caring for in laws and has had to remortgage. She's frazzled.

I think we'd like to think we'd manage but realistically dc do get dragged into it one way or another. I don't know anyone who'd go through a lifetime of raising dc to ensure they had care in old age though. Who thinks about being old in their twenties or thirties?

I know. On an intellectual level I understand all this. I have the support of my husband too. But on an emotional level I can't seem to disengage myself. All my fault I know.

Neither do I. I had DD later in life. I do not want her to spend the best years of her life looking after me. I have told her that I will go into residential care rather than spoil her life. Besides, I have no idea where she will end up living once she is qualified. She will go where the work is.

I think having children with the expectation that they will look after you is unrealistic and selfish.

I agree with @MaryBeardsShoes

Part of the reason I haven't had kids is because I don't want someone to feel indebted to me and forced to provide care. I plan to get a Japanese toilet when I'm older to clean and dry my arse with the money I've saved on child rearing. I hope it plays the same tune as the South Park one.

What's your personal view? I can't quite tell from your posts whether you suggesting people should be more willing to care for their relatives, or simply remarking on the cultural differences, and I'm curious.

Another day, another whatthreewords OP who never ever engages with posters.