Why is it taboo to admit you are having children because you want to be looked after when old?

[KeenTaupeDog]

I’ve noticed that any time someone hints at this, people jump down their throats — “children aren’t your pension,” “that’s selfish,” etc.
But if we’re being honest, this used to be the whole point of having kids. In many cultures it still is. Even here, plenty of parents quietly hope their kids will care about them when they’re elderly — not just emotionally, but practically.
We act as if you’re only supposed to have children out of pure love or to “nurture the next generation,” and that expecting any return is somehow shameful. Yet everyone still wants family nearby when they’re frail, lonely or ill.
Why is it socially unacceptable to say the quiet part out loud? Is it because we’ve built an ideology of self-sufficiency that makes dependence feel dirty — even though in reality, we’ll all need someone in the end?
Not trying to be provocative, genuinely curious what people think.

I spent years working with older people, and have seen that having children is in no way a guarantee they will look after you ( not that it should be).

Agreed. And after seeing her dad die with severe dementia, my mum has given us extremely clear instructions on multiple occasions that if she ever gets to the point of not recognising us we’re to put her in a home, walk away, and never go back, so that we don’t have to go through that.

The only connotation in which “the purpose of children is to look after their parents when they’re old” is a thing in my mind is the question intentionally childless couples get flung at them “who will look after you when you’re old if you don’t have children”

It’s taboo because it’s basically admitting that you’re breeding humans as slaves.

This is exactly what I aim for. I would never want them to give up their lives to be my carer - I work in elderly care and have seen too many people destroyed and broken taken on this role.

However should I reach the point where I'm old and frail and need support, I would like to think I've brought them up well enough that they will provide some support, visit and advocate for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, it's what most loving and supportive families do.

I really don't believe posters who say they'd be quite happy for their children to dump them in a care home and never visit. None of us want to become burdens to our children or have them make themselves ill providing care for us, but equally I can't imagine any of us being happy if they were to forget about us completely and not provide any sort of interaction whatsoever. Isn't the point most of us want to have lifelong relationships with our children?

@Radiatelikethis

Exactly! and in the same vein, I dont believe like some people do on MN that the second my child hits 18 thats it, I am done and refuse to give them even an ounce of help.

When I signed up for parenthood I wanted it to be a life time relationship. Not one where both us went our separate ways after 18 years and dropped all contact with each other!

I will end things myself rather than have my kids care for me. Hopefully will be able to do so legally. No longer holding out much hope for that as I am already 70. Still currently healthy and independent.

This is what my 93 year old father expects of me, absolutely - to the point where he thinks it’s perfectly reasonable for me to give up my job, move him into my home and be his full time carer. A selfish man all his life, he sees no wrong in his expectations, and although I do what I can, which is daily visits and phone calls, shopping and cleaning and taking him to all medical appointments- he appreciates none of it and thinks I don’t do anywhere near enough. His mantra is - the young should look after the old - which I do - to the best of my ability but I’ll be damned if I am going to do any more than I’m currently doing. When the time comes that he needs carers - then I will arrange it but it won’t be me wiping his backside - despite the fact that he thinks I should because “he wiped mine when I was a baby.” I’ve done this for 8 years now and it is slowly destroying me. I would never expect my children to do the same. They didn’t ask to be born and I didn’t have them so they could wipe my arse when I became to infirm to do it myself.

You can't just look at one portion of someone's culture and think they do it so will I. Do you actually expect your kids to give up their jobs to look after you OP? Honestly I do not expect my DC to do that I just hope they visit and pick up shopping if I couldn't manage. I know how hard caring is for a person full time so in this economy it's just not viable.

Sounds like a carer would be useful now. How awful for you. I would step back if he doesn't appreciate it then why are you doing so much?

Because no parent should expect their child to care for them in old age. I've told DD that under no circumstances is she to give up her home, job and life to care for me. By all means she can visit, help out and choose the care home should one be needed but day-to-day care? Nope.

It’s a stupid reason to have kids because there’s no guarantee that it will happen.

That’s one of the reasons why my (adopted) parents had me. I moved to another country and I’m staying here. Now , my mum is resentful I’m not there for her.

People move away, relationships can be or become crap etc. There’s no guarantee.

I think it's taboo because it puts pressure on kids to take on the burden of caring for their parents when that might be very difficult for them. Or impossible in some cases.

I absolutely didn't have my dd to take care of me when I'm old, and I have been extremely clear with her that I have no expectations of her in this regard - I have emphasised that I absolutely don't want her to take on any responsibility for me and DH to the detriment of her own wellbeing.

Having said all that, I do see the huge differences in my own extended family between the lives of those with children/grandchildren etc and the lives of those without, and I would not personally want to get to that stage of life without any direct descendants.

I hope if either of us are alone or both away with the fairies one or both of our children would keep an eye on our care, to reduce exploitation or abuse.

But beyond that, we are trying to make sure we have the income in old age to be self sufficient with care and our relationship with our children will be as it is fun family time together.

It’s unlikely they will live near us.

Also unlikely they would have retired.

I absolutely neither expect nor wish for my AC to look after me, in any circumstances.

Not RTFT but I can genuinely say this has literally never crossed my mind when having my DC. They are older teens now and reading this thread is the first time I’ve ever even thought about it.

Probably helps that I had them in my 20s and theoretically have a few more childbearing years left, so being old and frail isn’t on my radar

You are doing a huge amount 💐

Because it isn't conducive to capitalism for people to live in intergenerational units.

Other than basic support where needed, we none of us had any intention of caring for our parents in old age. If they’d needed actual care, they’d have been in a home or had carers come in.

I’d hate to think of my children having to help us with washing or personal care. It’s unthinkable these days. Even people I’ve known that have lived with elderly parents (my neighbour for one), they have had carers come in to provide personal care. My friend’s dad has had a stroke. He has a live-in carer. He has 5 adult children, not one of them had any intention of getting him on and off the toilet.

And what if they say no to looking after you? What then? I hope you won't attempt to make them feel guilty for it giving that's that reason you had them.

I don't see any superior on here but from my years working in elderly care has taught me there is NO ideal age to have children and each situation has it's drawbacks.

Have them too old and your children could be younger carers, juggling children and elderly parents.

Have them young and then your children become carers in their 60s/70s, juggling their own health problems, not having the retirement they hoped for due to caring responsibilities and potentially also supporting their own adult children with their children.

Have them in your 30s and you could have daughters in their 50s becoming carers juggling menopause and potentially teenage children.

People tie themselves in knots in this and it's such a pointless arguments. It's hard with elderly parents whatever age you are.

because it’s just, well, not very nice is it. You have children to nurture and encourage them and then you give them the skills to fly. Not chain them to you forever.

I think that you should only have a kid or kids if it's something that you and your partner both want. Your both willing to accept the changes in your life this will bring along with the costs of giving your kids a good life and a good education.
If you have a child with special needs they may need care always and you may have to give up work, change jobs or work less hours due to this.

Then your kids become adults, get qualifications and get jobs. They may meet partners, get married and have their own families. At that stage their kids are there priority and being honest both parents need to work due to the cost of living and the cost of raising kid's. Also your adult kids may not end up living in the same area as you because career opportunities are better elsewhere or they move to a new area that better for them and their partner.

The reality is that people are living longer now and can be in poor health for several years before dieing. Then their adult kids are working full-time possibly with their own kids. Even if they live in the same area as the parents they can't just give up their jobs to mind elderly parents.

I see also that the parents who helped out with college cost, minded grandkids ect are the people who get help as they age. Their kids call to see them, bring them shopping and to hospital appointments. They do what they can to arrange careers ect so the parents can stay at home for as long as possible.
You can't expect an adult childern to give up jobs and move in to to provide 24/7 care for years to enable you to stay in your own home.

It's a damn sight cheaper to save the money that children cost you for your old age than have them, if that's your sole purpose.

If however, you want children because you want to have a family then go ahead. But it doesn't come with strings attached

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