Why is it taboo to admit you are having children because you want to be looked after when old?

[KeenTaupeDog]

I’ve noticed that any time someone hints at this, people jump down their throats — “children aren’t your pension,” “that’s selfish,” etc.
But if we’re being honest, this used to be the whole point of having kids. In many cultures it still is. Even here, plenty of parents quietly hope their kids will care about them when they’re elderly — not just emotionally, but practically.
We act as if you’re only supposed to have children out of pure love or to “nurture the next generation,” and that expecting any return is somehow shameful. Yet everyone still wants family nearby when they’re frail, lonely or ill.
Why is it socially unacceptable to say the quiet part out loud? Is it because we’ve built an ideology of self-sufficiency that makes dependence feel dirty — even though in reality, we’ll all need someone in the end?
Not trying to be provocative, genuinely curious what people think.

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It is selfish
What if you have a disabled child?
Become estranged
They move to a different country for work.

I cannot imagine not wanting to help out my parents in their old age. Come on, all these people saying they don’t expect their kids to look after them. What about when you’re on your own, fast approaching 80, and your kids are not coming round visiting often, never mind not helping you out with shopping, hospital appts etc. if you live close enough and you have a good relationship, why not. you can say these things now, but I think the reality will be different.

That's a really sad and rather selfish view of parenthood.

Not to mention a rather daft one because having children does not mean that they will want or be able to care for you in your old age...

Many people move away from their parents for work or a different lifestyle, some have their own health issues and can't care for anyone else and some simply choose not to because there should be no obligation or emotional blackmail when it comes to elderly care.

''@JadeSquid · Today 12:55
You know in some cultures, it would be considered "unthinkable" to allow strangers to provide such personal care for your loved one. A total violation of privacy and dignity.
I think we have to accept that there is no one way to view any of this. All we have are the values and norms of our culture.''

You need to add that in these cultures it is often women who are expected to care for the elderly and that they have little choice in the matter...

You put plans in place before that time comes
Look in to moving to Sheltered housing
Put £ aside to pay for help
Build up a social circle

If parents aren't planning for a future that doesn't rely on their offspring being around then that's on them but it's not the DC's fault.

That’s actually not true. Infant mortality was high and young children but if you survived that you could live to a good age.

reject revisionist history

It’s not taboo??

I’m not talking about moving a parent in for full time care especially, I appreciate that not all are in the situation to do this. Agree sheltered housing and retirement housing set ups are good. I’m talking about the regular visiting, making meals and dropping them round, doing their shopping and taking them out for the day etc. I’m talking about time, taking quality time, to spend with elderly parents.

I also know realistically all people won’t be in the position to be able to pay for their care in older age. some home owners may have to sell to finance their care. A lot of people not wanting to help out with elderly parents will want the inheritance though I expect. And if care homes keep getting more expensive, I can see a lot of people disappointed when it comes to the inheritance. I don’t know the prices now, but my relative (not a parent) was in a care home and it was £515 a week, this was 2011 so cannot imagine the cost now.

It honestly never ever crossed my mind. I don't expect my children to be my carer, that's not their job.

This 64 year old kid who lives nearly 100 miles from her 89 year old mother, has taken phased retirement to visit twice a month to help co-ordinate hospital apts, etc. frailty arrives swiftly when it arrives. DH does similar except his is 240 miles away and has carers paid for by him - just once a day so far.

We will support them to stay at home as long as possible. Between them and us there are the means.

@JipJup

“But if we’re being honest, this used to be the whole point of having kids. In many cultures it still is.
If that's true, it doesn't make it any less selfish.”

Who else should the parents expect to look after them in old age that would be less selfish?

Isn’t it just reciprocity? There’s no modern welfare state and almost no one has savings. You support your children in their youth and they support you in your old age.

Seems pretty natural and morally unobjectionable.

I don't have children and once said to a friend that my only concern is there will be nobody to look after me when I grow old.
(My brother also has no children and DH is an only child so no nieces or nephews either)
Anyway, friend works in a healthcare role and lots of her patients are elderly. She says that many children won't or can't look after their parents so having children is no guarantee of being cared for.

It used to be the norm, when everyone lived locally, women didn't work or only worked part time, and if they did work they could retire on a full pension at 60, and people died relatively young after a short period of ill health.

Families are now spread out (we are hours from all of our parents), both adults in a household are working full time and will be working until they are 70+, and people are kept alive in hideous condition, requiring substantial care/support, for a decade or more.

Throw in that many people only have 1 child now, so the burden falls on their shoulders alone.

If you want your kids to care for you in your old age, you need to make sure they have very limited aspirations, or they'll be no chance.

My parents live 3 hours away and, apart from sorting out a few bits and pieces online, I won't be providing any practical support as they get older.

TBH I personally find that a weird reason to have kids. It never crossed my mind when it came to starting a family, and when I have thought about it I think it would be nice if they want to/are able to help out when I'm older, but I absolutely do not want either of them making big sacrifices to look after us and it is not an expectation.

I partially did it until I was in my fifties. I don’t anymore thank goodness

If that's your expectation, you're likely to be sadly disappointed.

Even if it were true that it used to be case, doesn't mean it's right.

So many things used to be acceptable and we know better now or think better.

because it was the sixties my disabled sibling wasn’t expected to live to old age, however modern medicine means he is still going strong in his seventies. He is in a care home now but the burden on me throughout my life and the expectation was horribly unfair

It’s not taboo to admit it. But it makes for an incredibly selfish parent

There’s no non selfish reason for having kids, so I don’t think it should be seen any differently

It used to be the point of having kids. Western culture has moved on, and thank God there’s an alternative to being stuck with relatives that might be selfish, narcissistic and abusive into their old age. Thank God we no longer put pressure on women to have kids so they are looked after in their old age. Thank God its the 21st century and not the 17th where women only have a role in giving birth and looking after childen
and aging relatives at the same time is not an inevitable part of life.

He doesn’t need carers yet. He can get himself up, washed and dressed and make simple meals. He’s unsteady on his feet and totally housebound. I can’t take a step back because my morals and my conscience won’t let me. I’ve tried - when he’s been particularly vile to me - but all I end up doing is worrying whether he’s had a fall. It’s just easier to keep doing what I’m doing. I’ve accepted it as my lot in life.

My family live overseas and my home country is one where there isn't a social safety net so you either get looked after by your kids or starve.

My parents and their siblings look after my grandparents both financially and practically.

It is a burden in many ways but also I feel a deep sense of connectedness within my family - it is very hard to untangle the bonds of mutual obligation with the bonds of familial love.

I think in 1st world countries there is this idea that love is only valid if it is freely given and when it has no strings attached: I think this is quite an upside down view of love. It is something like saying the love of a husband and wife is less valid because they are legally tied to each other so it's not as authentic. But the acts of service between one another are what cement the love.

Well my DD lives a 3 hour drive away and works full time doing odd hours so apart from maybe doing an on-line shop to be delivered to my house she can't do anymore than she does now. The only way she could is to give up her home and job and move closer. Not something I want or expect her to do so it's up to me to do want I can now to try to offset any future issues that may arise.

I agree with this. There are cultures where children are expected to look after their parents. But those cultures often have no state support like someone mentioned earlier. There are also differences in how families work; children would never be charged rent or expected to leave home until they were ready. So I wouldn't expect something that works on a different culture because the entire culture works in a way to make that expectation normal